Yours to love

Chapter ten: Lillian

Warning : Mention of suicidal thoughts.

"You don't get to tell me what to do, Adam! I am not a kid anymore. I don't need you to defend me, I don't want you to."

Once more, my brother has overstepped. I mean, who do you think he is?

What right does he have to tell me who I should hang out with? And what does he have against Zora? She's the sweetest, the only true friend I have left.

"She hangs out with Rainer Hayes, Lily," he tells me.

"Hung out," I remind him. "Past tense."

"Still!" he's yelling at me. "What does that say about her?"

"I did too! What does that say about me, huh?" I shout, I hate to and when others do, but right now, I can't do otherwise, he's getting on my last nerve. "She stopped hanging out with him and his friends after what happened," I calm down a bit, but when Adam rolls his eyes, I lose it again. "After going through Hell, she's the only one that stood by my side, the only one that fucking believed me. Do you know how it feels like to be called a lying bitch after opening up about your rape to the people who you thought were your friends? It hurts, Adam, it fucking hurts, but Zora... She was there. She's the one who came to the hospital with me after Rainer Hayes forced himself on me. She's the one who held my hair while I puked in the school bathroom because someone had painted the word slut on my locker. With pig's blood," I clarify. "So, you have no right to tell me that she isn't a good friend, because she has been there for me during the worst moment of my life. You have no right to stand there, in front of me, and tell me that I should 'choose my friends more carefully', because if it wasn't for her, I would be very dead right now."

He turns pale at those last few words.

He has no idea how hard it has really been for me.

I told him the basics. That I couldn't sleep for nights. That I couldn't eat for days. That I refused to go to school for weeks. But I never talked to him ― or to our parents ― about the dark thoughts that occupied my mind for months. They still do from time to time when I think about the bruises that covered my body for days after he left me, paralyzed on my bed.

I have wanted to die. I think most people that goes through what I went through will at least once think about suicide. I mean, you already feel dead. But I thought about it more than once. I thought about driving mom's car down a bridge. I thought about jumping off that said bridge. I thought about slitting my wrists open. I thought about the rope I could so easily wrap around my neck. I thought about walking into the ocean and let the waves guide my lifeless body back to shore.

I never went through with any of these ideas. But I have imagined them. At night, staring at my ceiling, hoping the images of Rainer Hayes would leave my mind. I just wanted to forget, no matter what it took. And I would've. I wouldn't be here today if it wasn't for four words Zora told me over the phone during spring break.

"They are coming back," she tells me excitedly.

Blake and Adam are coming back at the end of May and I'm just hearing about this. How is this even possible? How does Zora know about this before me?

I mean, it's obvious. We live in a pretty small town.

Here, everyone knows everything. Almost everything. Only a few know about the rape. And the majority that knows, don't believe me. Most people 'know' that I am a "liar" though. They just don't know what I lied about, and they don't care, people in small towns easily get bored, they would die for drama.

Luckily, I'm barely around anymore. I still live and work here, but I go to college in the town next door. There, no one knows me. I'm invisible.

"Lian? Did you hear me? Adam and Blake are coming back in May."

I didn't care very much about that first name. Don't get me wrong I love my brother, but after telling him what happened, I knew he would be even more protective than before he left, and I was right. So, when Zora told me, I wasn't hyped about his return home. I was happy that he was alive and healthy and that he was about to leave the battlefield, but I was ecstatic to hear that Blake was coming back.

If only he knew that I am alive because he came back.

"Lillian," my brother says, taking a step forward, his hand reaching for mine, but I reject it. "I was being unfair, I know that, and I'm sorry. I'm being paranoid, and that last thing you need is for me to always be on your back. But I can't help it. You can't blame me for caring."

"You aren't caring, right now, Adam. You're acting crazy!"

He doesn't look shocked. He just nods, approving of my comment.

"I want to protect you," he confesses. "I wasn't there in the past, but I am here now."

He reaches for my hand once more, and this time, I let him grab and hold it, pulling me a little closer to him.

"I don't need a protector," I tell him. "I need my big brother. The one I used to laugh with. The one that used to take me to get ice cream because he wanted to celebrate his football victories with me. The one who taught me how to ride a bike, how to swim, how to climb a tree. I want Adam back."

"I'm sorry, Lian. I promise I'll try to do better."

"I'm not telling you to stop keeping an eye on me, because I do appreciate you looking out for me, just do it without interfering with my friendships and my life. I might have wanted to die at some point, but I chose to stay alive, so you have to let me live now."

He agrees with a nod, bringing me into his arms for a hug. He holds me tight against him for a few seconds before pushing me away and looking right into my eyes.

"I'm so proud of you, Lian. You're the strongest person I know."

"You've dealt with far more than I did," I tell him, but he shushes me.

"It isn't nearly comparable. Don't ever doubt yourself, lil' sis', because you have survived, you have fought, you're a warrior as much as I am."

I smile at him, eyes filled with tears as he wipes one running down his own cheek. 

A though (and sweet) brother-sister moment.

Hope you like it, I think it is one of my favorite chapter yet. it's raw and filled with emotions.

Thank you for reading YTL and don't forget to vote, comment and share :) it would mean the world to me.