Yours to love

Chapter 36: Lillian

I remember crying, because the pain was unbearable. Because no matter what I tried, he was still stronger. I could fight all I want, I had nothing against him. There was no way of stopping him, of preventing him from doing the unforgivable.

I remember begging him to stop, but it was like he thought it was a game, as if I were challenging him to continue. No matter what I would do, he would keep on going, taking what he assumed was his to take. Until he was satisfied, until he got what he wanted.

I remember his whispers in my ear. Him telling me that I wanted him as much as he wanted me, convincing me that what he was doing was normal. I wasn't naive, but he was my first boyfriend and I was far from being his first. So, at first, I thought that he knew best, until he didn't. Once his hands didn't let go of my throat when I asked him to, when he kept pulling on my underwear when I said stop. In the middle of the action, when things had already gotten inappropriate, I realized how wrong it was, how wrong he was for doing this to me, but there's one other thing that I realized. Deep down inside of me, I knew it was too late.

I sit up in a hurry, gasping, my heart beating faster than ever.

"Hey, it's okay, baby. I'm here," Blake whispers in my ear, his muscular arms around me, holding my body against his so that I can hear his heartbeat. It always seems to calm me.

"You're back," I take a breath in, relieved, tightening my hold on him.

I thought I had let everything go yesterday with Zora, I thought I would be able to finally leave this all behind and look at the future shining in front of us. I guess it isn't as easy as Zora imagined, as she let me believe. Or maybe I just have to believe. How am I supposed to move forward when I don't even have the faith that I am capable of doing so?

"I'm back," he kisses the side of my head tenderly, rubbing my back with his hand.

"It was just a nightmare," I tell him to reassure him, knowing that he is, once again, questioning his decision of going back, because of me.

"I know, I know," he smashes his lips on mine, and right there, I'm aware of something he seems to have forgotten. Though, I can't hold this against him, considering he probably only thought it would make me forget. I can see in his eyes that he hates seeing me like this, in the midst of having a panic attack, of being scared by the past, which keeps following me everywhere I go. But it doesn't change the fact that I didn't even have to play my cards the way I planned to, that I didn't get to tease him a little.

"You lost," I whisper in his eyes once his lips are off of mine.

At first, he looks confused, then his jaw drops, "That's not fair, it didn't even have anything sexual, I was just trying to comfort my girl."

I laugh devilishly, clapping my hands excitedly. "I love you so much, you have no idea. And thank you for being there for me... But rules are rules."

"Rules are rules," he repeats after me. "Want to use one of your wishes?"

I nod.

"What do you want?" he asks me.

"Fuck me," I practically beg him, though I know I don't have to. "Own me," I add, making him gulp hardly, before crashing my lips on his. He pulls at my shirt until I am straddling him. We're so close that there is no space between our chests. We can both feel each other. My nipples hard against his torso, his growing erection between my legs. I don't think I have ever seen him this needy. His hands are traveling up and down my body as if he doesn't know where to put them, the same with his lips, leaving kisses on my lips, my jaw, my neck, biting my earlobe while passing close.