Yours to love

Chapter five: Lillian and Blake

LILLIAN

I wake up at the sound of screams coming from the other side of the house. It's still dark outside. I walk up to the room, guiding myself with the wall. When I get in, Blake is sitting up in bed, running a hand through his hair. He looks up as he hears the door creaking.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you up," he apologizes.

"Do they happen often?" I ask him.

I can see in his eyes that he considers lying as an option, but then, he answers in all honesty, "Every night."

My body leads me to the edge of the bed where I sit, reaching for his hand.

I am not the only one with a heavy past. Difficult memories.

"There was this boy we tried saving," he begins telling me. "He was about eight years old, and he had been shot during an attack. I promised him he would be alright, but I couldn't save him."

It's the first time in my whole life that I see Blake Kingston cry.

I climb in bed, kneeling next to him, my arms reaching for him as he collides into me. His sobs slowly diminish as he holds on to me tighter by every second that goes by.

We're both broken souls. With memories that weigh us down, that keep us from moving on, from going forward.

"It's okay. I'm here."

My fingers run through his hair while my other hand rubs his tear-stained cheek. My head rests on top of his as he calms himself down.

"What happened wasn't your fault," I remind him. "You can't carry the weight of the world on your shoulders, Blake. You weren't the one who shot him."

"He was just a kid-"

"I know," I reassure him, soothing him, keeping him from bursting into tears again. "But you can't blame yourself for it. You're just hurting yourself more."

"You shouldn't blame yourself either," he tells me. "I know you do, Lily. I know you keep telling yourself that you could've stopped him, that you should've fought harder, but as strong as you are..."

"I didn't stand a chance," I complete his sentence.

"Life is unfair. Kids die. Men take advantage of women. We live in a fucked up world. We're both fucked up."

"I think everyone is fucked up, but in addition to that, you and I are very unlucky."

"Call that misfortune, I call it destiny."

I'm confused.

"If this kid hadn't died, maybe you wouldn't be here, comforting me. If Rai... this guy didn't do what he did, maybe you wouldn't have come to watch a movie tonight. You would've gone to bed, in your own room, without a glance at my window. We're lucky in our misfortune, even though what we went through is awful, and I wish it to no one. Except maybe that motherfucker."

I chuckle. For a long time, I wish he would die. I wish he would feel the pain he made me feel. But now that Blake is back, I don't feel the need to wish bad luck upon Rainer Hayes, because I know Blake will do it for me. It's a weight taken off of my shoulders. I'm not alone anymore. My brother is home, Blake is home. I have no reason to be scared anymore.

"I never go to bed without looking at your window," I admit.

He straightens up before pulling me in his embrace and guiding us to rest on our sides, facing each other, our heads on the same pillow. He plays with his military plates around his neck for a second, until he places a strand of hair behind my ear, pulling my head towards his, kissing my forehead.