Hyacinth || dreamwastaken

23

"I'm boring? What kind of question is that?" I scoff.

"Remember I can get inside your mind. I will always know when you lie. Don't try and come up with a bullshit answer." He isn't wrong. Clay can read my mind if he focuses enough. I have shut off the ability for his powers to always be on. He struggles to read me, to read most people now. But he can when he wants to.

"Because I thought about what you said." I start. A little white lie never hurt anyone. "I didn't want to be alone in there. Sure, Tommy and Ranboo are there. Q, Karl, Calla, Will are there too. But I couldn't find it in myself to let you leave alone." Sure, we will go with that.

"And because you feel something." Clay looks deep into my soul. I'm so lost in him that I haven't even realized that his hands are wandering my body like they're trying to find a gushing wound.

"Do you want to hear me admit that I feel something for you?" I grab his hands and hold them still. My tone is serious and our flirty banter has cooled. "I thought you'd rather be dead than to have something between us?" I motion between us still holding his hands in mine.

"And I thought you were smart enough to figure out that I fear emotions." Clay's hands go limp in mine. It's his sign that he wants out. Always so hot and cold. Do not go cold on me Clay.

"And I thought you were smart enough to take hints that I want this more than what we are out here searching for." Every part of me wants to run away from him. I too fear emotions. Every part of me wanted to stay locked up into my pod anytime a new emotion took over my mind and body.

"There is no way we could be soulmates." Clay mutters.

"What number is on your wrist?" I run my thumb along his skin where his number should be. His statement only makes me believe that our numbers do not match.

Clay goes silent. I don't know what he fears. Every time I ask him he goes silent. He refuses to share his number with me. It doesn't even matter anymore. The government isn't in control of us anymore. These stupid numbers don't even matter. We are escaping to rid ourselves of such confines.

"Do you have a number?" I let go of his hands and place my hands on his cheeks. His eyes focus on mine and sadness wallows from deep inside of him. His eyes gloss over and without a word I know the answer. I want to ask questions. I want to push for answers. But that is not what he needs now.

***

Day comes and we've collected lots of nutrients along the way. Clay has taken off his shirt and made it into a bag to carry the food we have collected. We need as much as we can possibly get. No amount is too much. We could be out here forever, just the two of us. We need a way to live, and to live well. We mustn't suffer again.

My skin has dulled. There is not a glow insight. I don't even glow where Clay and I touch anymore. It's almost as if our forbidden confessions have weakened our bond. A bond that once hurt so much, gives a comfort but also a sadness.

"Do you think Callahan and Q are safe?" I ask as Clay kicks a rock across the forest floor.

I study the way it bounces off the surface of the ground. I focus on the sounds of the rock hitting off different objects. I make note of the small things I'm hearing for the first time. All of it makes me feel alive.

The first few weeks I couldn't take in the little things. Both Clay and I spent most of our time on high alert. Not knowing if we were being followed or hunted made it hard to appreciate the little things. Every little noise made us jump. We were living in a constant state of fight or flight.

"The government doesn't fuck with Calla anymore. Once they took his voice away, they rendered him useless to society. He is no threat or harm. He can't help or hurt anyone. Or so they think. Q on the other hand. He is their top mentor. Even though he's only been out a short while. They will put the blame on you being a bad seed. Not him." Clay's rock bounces off into the river we are walking along and his shoulders drop in defeat.