House of Caletara

This is my fault..

Draco's birth brought about burning concerns. First and foremost her son was possibly the quietest newborn she had ever seen.

She did all the necessary health checks proving that her son was not by any stretch unhealthy. His lack of infant wailing concerned her, the boy was silent, eerily so.

After ensuring Daenerys was well and cared for she sat with her son. His eyes as blue as the deepest depths of the sea, she stared with at him wonder and love. His silence worried her yes but then she noticed his intelligent eyes.Eyes stared stared into her own with almost adult like intelligence.

"You're strange, you know. You stare at me as if you know what I'm thinking" she whispered caressing his cheeks "perhaps you do, perhaps you already know of the burden your mother carries." She whispered unable to stop the sadness in her voice. She pressed her lips to his snow white forehead "If so my son, you have no need to worry, I will always protect you, I will destroy anyone who seeks to harm you, I will bring ruin to those who does you harm.." she whispered quietly "You are already so loved, your future will be safe, that much I promise or I will die trying " she closed her eyes enjoying the soft beating of his tiny heart.

With her resolve strengthened, she needed answers, with her son, and possibly another son or daughter on the way soon. She needed to be as strong as she could. She needed to ascend even if it was the last thing she did.

" I will protect you I swear"

••••••••••

Draco's birth had been celebrated for three days straight, the city was up in joy that their first prince was born, smack dab in the coldest of winters, he was healthy and well. She didn't expose him to the crowds yet, she believed it much too soon, the noise would not bode well for an infant.

Even so the city was joyous and she thanked the gods that the child was already celebrated. She only hoped he would continue to be loved and celebrated by his people, and that he'd become a man worthy of praise.

"It's been two weeks since Draco's been born and we still have the small folk toasting to him in pubs" Alex chuckled as she spoke. She glanced at her wife feeding her little boy.

"It's good, he seems loved and considering his half Targaryen, I'm elated that they seem happy that another one was brought into this world. Though how would you know they've been celebrating in pubs?"

Alexandra chuckled softly, adopting a faux innocent look "Tyrion fancies the newest pub, frequents it in fact. He's told me the gossip" she nodded happy with her lie. Truth was she had been celebrating just as hard buying drinks for the entire pub toasting to her son two days straight.

"Mmm I see"

Alexandra chuckled at the skeptical look her wife gave her, she turned her gaze to her son "He shares many of your features" she murmured happily "the white hair, are you sure you didn't get impregnated by a Targaryen instead of me?" She joked

Daenerys scoffed playing along  "Beside Jon there are no other Targaryens even so" she paused glaring at her wife "he has your jawline, nose and even when you allow the god in you to shine through, your eye changes to the shade of blue his eyes possess"

Humming under her breath proudly  "Yes his definitely mine, I remembered the other day, my father often said I barely cried when I was a baby, instead just stared at him. Our sons' the same, aside from the gurgles, he's pretty much a sweet and silent boy. A deep thinker." She nodded convinced with her train of thought.

"A deep thinker hmm, could be." She smiled at the sleeping boy "He's been a blessing, when do you think Clara's going to suffer I mean experience the wonders of childbirth?"

Alexandra snorted in amusement "No,you definitely meant suffering" she chortled "She fell pregnant a month after you, any day now I suppose. Hopefully it's a girl, then we have one of each"

"You don't want more?"

Alex shrugged "If it happens it happens , I'm not asking for a gaggle of kids running around the RedKeep but having one from each of you ain't too bad"she said honestly. Beside having too many kids would only bring her a headache of epic proportions.

"Well let's hope Clara's brings you a daughter yes?"

••••••••••••

The next time Alexandra found herself in the same position before, birthing her daughter something undeniably beautiful and pure was sullied by the her wife was losing too much blood.

"Get her out of here! And get Lance!" She shouted handing over her daughter to the closest maester.

"Danny go! Take care of my daughter" she said immediately examining her young wife's vitals, her heartbeat was eerily slow, she pursed her lips, blood loss; a common thing when birthing a child, rupturing of the placenta equally as common, so many causes.

So many causes.

Her heart bled at the sight of Clara's ever paling skin.

Lance rushed into the room, she pushed him and told him was necessary. Blood bags, she needed blood bags, no she needed a damn hospital, unfortunately for Clara and herself she had none. So here she was elbow deep in her wife trying to stem the bleeding.

The first incision she thought to be the most difficult thing she ever experienced.

She was wrong, so wrong. So very wrong, the worst thing, the deafening blow was the moment she monotonously called it; Time of death . Two heartbeats rung in her ears but none the one she desperately wanted to hear.The one she wished to hear, to wake up too.

She cried as she operated, underneath the dimming light, blood soaked gauze she single handedly lost her daughters mother. Mere hours after birth.

She lost a wife, her daughter lost the bright and brilliant mother Clara would no doubt be, she loathed being the one telling her daughter for all her medical skills, even more she loathed not being able to save the one person she needed too. She was stupid, incompetent , irrevocably stupid! how could she forget that her children would be anything but normal. They shared her blood, her very DNA— her children themselves had a bit of god spliced into them. That itself would make for a difficult birth.

"It's not your fault" those words played in her head throughout the emergency surgery, the same words uttered by an apologetic Lance had no meaning, fact is, it was her fault.

"Alexandra look at me" she turned her head to him. The cold corpse of her wife underneath her hands " this is not your fault, you had no idea.. you're not"

"This is my fault, I ... I overlooked , I thought because Daenerys had a fairly normal birth that Clara would no doubt have the same.." she couldn't stop the tears ever flowing down her cheeks.

"No, this is my fault. I overlooked a simple truth and in doing so I took away my daughters other mother! There is no sorry or apology — there is no easy way I can tell my hour year old daughter her mother died! Fucking died after birthing her..." She threw away her bloody gloves to the ground . "This is my fault. So please, don't tell me it's not. It doesn't make me feel better and it doesn't turn back time— " her lip trembled with guilt, anger, remorse — she looked up at her friend "it doesn't bring Clara, my wife back.."

"This.is. My. Fault"

•••••••••••