An Unexpected Feeling

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by lesyeuxdecf

by lesyeuxdecf

The first time I saw you, I was mesmerized by your beauty. Not just that, you are also kind to everyone and I witnessed all that. We barely talk to each other cause I was so shy and I don't want you to be uncomfortable with me. I don't want you to think that I am feeling so close with you. But you never treated me that way instead you always start the conversation and be the friendly human being to me. And that's what I admire in you.

One time I was being teased by my sister. She teased me that I have a crush on you and I really never thought of taking it seriously. She was making fun of me all the time so I'm not surprised if she bring up that kind of thing. So I just kinda ignored it cause I know in myself that it's just weird and a girl on girl...I was like nah ah, not gonna happen. And that time I was homophobic to gl and bl so I never thought of us being together.

We always hangout with our friends and yes I can say that we are now kind of comfortable with each other. Then, it happened—I was overthinking of what my sister teased me everyday. I was like, what if its true? What if we really are together? Sometimes I just wash it off my head and say 'what am I thinking?'

My sister also teased you about us and you know that it's just a joke and you know that's not gonna happened. So you are good with it and you never complained about the teasing. While part of me always thinks whatever the situation will be. So me being uncomfortable, I always avoid you and feel a weird feeling being in a circle of friends with you-that I shouldn't be?

Everytime you talked to me, I'm shaking—lol. I never thought to spoke a single word with you coz I was scared and I didn't know why.

Everytime you are near—so close with me, I feel nervous and happy!?. I don't know what to feel but when you're near, I can't breathe. When there's a single touch of skin, I feel the electric sting come down to my spine. I feel nervous and at the same time, excitement to keep in touch with you again. Everytime you're around me, my heart is beating so fast and I'm getting scared to think that it might grow. I'm afraid that this feelings goes out of my hand. I know it's so weird to feel that kind of thing cause we were just friends and a friend doesn't feel this kind of thing to their friend. But im not gæ okayy? (indenial bish)

As days go by, I always convince myself that I do not like you and I'm just hallucinating things between us-and this is a big lie. But I always ask myself, why does I feel this way when we were together? Why do I always wanted to see you smile, to make you laugh and to keep in touch with you. I was so confused that I questioned my sexuality HAHAHAHAHAHA. But again maybe i'm just physically attracted to you.

I just wanted also to say that i'm a bit disappointed and unhappy about the feelings you have for _....i was not expecting that. But I guess expect the unexpected?. I was always jealous and not happy of you being so close to each other. When you talk to each other I wanted to just jump to the cliff and never come back again HAHAHAHAHAHA.....because the pain miss..the pain, I wanted to punch the face of that boy HAHAHAHA—just kidding. But really, I am annoyed of how you always talk about him and be like kilig² to him. So to support for your happiness of course, I always tease you with him. Okayy I'm just hurting myself:>

Then, something happened in a batch birthday party. You were there of course. We barely talk and I really wanted to be close to you. Because of being whipped to you, I always do the things you wanted me to do. Even my sister is shocked about this because I don't really follow commands especially to her. So its my exception of being whipped to you. During the birthday party, we all have some fun and I'm happy being with you(as always). Then we decided to sing in the karaoke. We were just facing each other in the table and then I was in shock when you cried. I was so worried and I feel sad also. I don't know why, when you started hugging your mom I felt a tingling pain inside me. Eventually our friends already know what's the reason behind those tears. Maybe it's one of your ex or of who you are dealing with. So i was bit hurt knowing you cried for someone who is not worth it...(im calm dont worry about me) HAHAHAHAHAHA
And that time, i was totally faking my smile to hide my jealousy. I was uncomfortable facing you, i decided to walk out to calm myself. I was sitting in the floor watching you from afar, and i was thinking, why would I be jealous...it's your business and not mine. I shrug it off and watch you smile again after witnessing the pain you hide inside. And that's when I realize....did I already fall for you? (this is something I was ashamed because he cried for his dad—like bro I was so delulu here so please spare me🫠)

Thinking what in my mind told me, I was looking back to the times I was so obsessed being with you. All I want is to make you happy and hoping I was the reason of it. We keep it cool everytime we are together, and now that I acknowledge the feelings I have for you. I admit that I always care for you, all the jokes you had-I always laughed even though they didn't...coz I wanted to cheer you up and support you for that. I don't want you to be left out. I wanted you to be the first one before me. Like when sitting, when there is one sit left, I will secretly give it to you. When you told me what to do, I'm like a flash that follows you. When you talk about _,well I just keep my mouth shut. But thinking that it would make you happy, im really into it. I will support you no matter what.

Now that you know already what I feel, I'm not expecting you to love me back, I will not force nor please you. Because what will happen if your not happy with me right?. If I can let you go and be happy with someone else you want then that is love. Because I care for your happiness and it would be selfish of me if I rob that happiness to you, and this is best way to show my love for you.

I don't know what did I just said lol. Today, I'm still going to hide my feelings and be lowkey to you. I dont want to ruin the friendship we have. I'm a bit nervous to confess my feelings and I will overthink so hard of what will you react to this. I'm thinking what if you'll going to avoid me and ignore my presence everytime, I don't want that to happen. I wrote this confession coz i will now totally admit that I really fell so hard to you.

3/18/22
This day was the day you make me the happiest. You initiate to enclose you arm to me and we walk under the full moon above us. Every step we take, I can feel my heartbeat and I feel like I'm floating. Even though I'm sweating and panting so hard, that didn't stop me to cherish the moment we have. You really gave me butterflies that night. We talk and shared laughter's to each other. And that was a dream I wanted to feel—and you made it happen. I wrote this confession because this day is the day you make it really special to me. I know it's too late to confess about this but just give me some time to figure out and have a courage to tell you how I feel.

Like the moon, you're so close but I can't come to approach to you because that is impossible to happen, I will just admire you from afar. Some things we need to take risks-but not all risks are worth it. So I'ma keep it to myself. But when the time comes you read this-I guess I already have the courage to say what I feel. And maybe you are now happy with someone else. But always remember, I will love you no matter what, even though we're not meant to each other, i'm happy because we crossed paths and you made me feel what is love to feel like. I will support you no matter what(I deleted the last part to of course respect you and your bf)

11-17-24
I'm just here to edit grammars and stuff, seeing my choice of words kinda surprise me and I changed some of them—but also I try to reminisce every single thing I wrote.

GOOD NEWS‼️– New chapter of my life will be posted—not only for ranting but giving lessons. However, I'm gonna finish this first then maybe I'll add last message-who knows🫥