Baler | 𝘓𝘶𝘸𝘰𝘰 (VVS #1)

37 - Battle

Things are rumbling in my mind.

The moment I got here in Australia was undeniably good. I am enjoying life here. For a short moment, I feel really happy. But now, I can't believe that there's still a little temptation. And it's getting harder every day.

After all my hardships, there's still a part of me that wants to go back. After all the things Kun has done for me to reach this freedom, I still want to come back for some reason. Throwing all our sacrifices.

Is it enough reason? For all those years that I tried my best, just for a single person, why would I still go back to my weakest point? When my friend gave all his resort to free me? I am fucking twisted...

I am better than this. I continued to convince myself.

Kung natuturuan lang ang puso, mas gusto kong bumalik sa dating ako na hindi marunong magmahal. Ang puta, kayang kong pigilan ang sarili ko sa pag-uwi pero baka sumabog na lang ako dito isang araw dahil sa sobrang pag-iisip. Kinikilabutan ako sa sarili kong naiisip.

I am glad that Kun's here. At least, he would make some sense to me... at least.

Bakit ba handang handa ako sumugal?

Napaisip din ako at umiling. Choosing someone over my safety and freedom is bullshit. Bakit ako uuwi kung matagal ko na hinahangad ang kalayaan na 'to?

"I'll provide information for you. Just live here until we can." His thoughts are clear.

Earlier, he proposed a plan if ever I don't want to come back. He said that my brother and even the General knows where I am right now. So he's been thinking of ways on how to escape If ever something went wrong. Inamin niya ngang kinausap siya ni Kuya. At hindi ako makapaniwala na naisip niyang plano. Kung hindi kahibangan, paniguradong pang habang buhay ko iyon pagsisisihan. Parang masyado niyang sineryoso. Masyado yatang nawili sa panunuod ng pelikula. Kahit na alam kong kayang kaya niya isatupad iyon.

Umiling ako.

We were drinking on the seaside bar. Itong kaibigan ko, nawawala sa sarili kapag lasing. Ni hindi makausap ng maayos. Tawa ako ng tawa dahil sa nalalaman ko ngayon. Hindi ko alam kung magagalit ba ako!

He likes my brother. His brother's bestfriend. Sergeant Celestian Philip of the Marine Corps. A member of Vanguardia Valley and the General's son. My sibling whom he knows for twenty years. I cannot believe it.

I don't remember drinking with him this long. We started earlier before the sun sets. It's already eleven now! When did we ever talk this deep that I opened his secret vault?

If he talked to my brother about my situation, did he beg? How did he even convince Kuya Ian not to drag me out of this country?

He laughs loudly with his reddish face. Now, I don't remember him saying "Kuya" to my brother. Though he's seven years older than us. Did he think of me as my brother when we first fuck? Because I look like my brother! What the hell?

"Tanginamo, Kun! Siguradong ni-reject ka! Ano?" Tumawa ako.

Bakit ngayon niya lang sinabi? Lasing na lasing talaga. Baka magsisi siyang sinabi niya ito sa akin. Humalakhak ako.

I know that my brother is fucking straight! But he never had a girlfriend. Never did I think of him being closeted or gay! But he's not homophobic. He's studious and a strict person. He helped me all my life and knows my relationships. Now I'm thinking that he did it because he's an ally too. I can never imagine them! Kun can dominate my brother because he has a huge body too and he's good at close combat. But my brother isn't in the military for nothing. This is so fucking weird!

Knock out kami pagtapos ng isa pang oras. Kinabukasan sa sobrang sakit ng ulo, nagising na lang ako sa buhanginan. I can't even see the bar where we drink. I remember taking a walk and wanting to go home earlier but I think we went to the wrong direction.

Luminga linga ako at nakita ko si Kun na naliligo sa dagat. Mukhang kanina pa gising.

"Hey brother in law!" Tawag ko.

Palapit ako at sinabuyan niya ng tubig.

"I thought it was a dream!" Sigaw niya at nagmura.

Maganda tuloy ang araw ko. Habang siya ay mukhang miserable. Tumawa ako ng malakas.

It's peaceful.

Just thinking about it relaxes my mind. From here, I can see people bushwalking along the beach. Some are heading to surf in Moondarewa Bay. An image flashed in my mind that made me shiver.

In the past, I hate being surrounded by the nature. But being isolated now with diverse scenery is fucking thrilling. Maybe I got too much in my mind that I don't believe in nature anymore. An economist who doesn't like the green forest is weird. It sounds like I am a part of those wealthy company who doesn't care about the world. I don't want to be like that.

Someone said before that I am locking myself out of the building and should go to the other side. The key's in my hand, he said. I just need to open it. That thought left a deep cut in my inner self. As always. I remember everything he said to me.

Three days doesn't feel so right.

"Can't you extend?" I throw his keys.

We did some tours that gave me a lot of emotional support. I can't believe that he's now leaving.

He can't stay for too long. He has a business meeting coming up tomorrow. He has a flight tonight. If it's not important, he'd probably stay. But business is business.

It was lonesome when my friend left.

Mas lalo lang lumala ang nararamdaman ko. Na sa bawat lagaslas ng puno, bumabalik ako sa konkretong tulay. Na sa bawat tunog ng alon, nakikita ko kung paano siya nakikipagpaligsahan sa dagat. Ni hindi ulit ako makatulog ng maayos.

It's an endless battle. Sleepless nights make my heart weak.

If only I could be as heartless as everyone believes, I would. But someone already owns me. And the thought that he'd stay aloof when I go back is painful. It's as dried as the litterfall. But my heart is scorching. Maybe it'll stop when the sea lost its water. Or when the moon doesn't light up the walkway of the bridge anymore.