Baler | 𝘓𝘶𝘸𝘰𝘰 (VVS #1)

59 - Burden

Coming back to the hotel wasn't easy. I spent a few hours crying on the bridge with Stan. When we came back, I saw Sebastian and Eusebius still drinking. It's embarrassing to see them both. What if they're toying with me? They're laughing behind my back?

I woke up in the afternoon with my heavy soul.

Hindi ko na alam kung paano aalis dito. Kapag lumabas ako, paniguradong hindi ko sila maiiwasan.

Pinilit ko tuloy matulog ulit. Panay iyak ko hanggang kaninang alas kwatro. Namamaga pa ang mga mata ko hanggang ngayon. Ang bigat sa pakiramdam.

Isang tawag sa telepono ang tuluyang nagpabangon sa akin.

"Good morning, Sir. Your food will be delivered in a couple of minutes. Would you like to add something to your order?"

I was confused at first but maybe that's a staff.

"Nothing. Thank you." I just said.

Just like she said, may dumating nga na pagkain. It was breakfast and lunch in a gueridon trolly. It's a girl staff wearing a dark green skirt, plain white long sleeves and a flowery matte vest. The design looks a bit creative and it matches the whole theme of the Hotel.

I thank her and look at the food. Madami at parang naiintindihan nila na ayaw kong lumabas.

But it's fucking boring to stay depressed all day. I don't know how long I'll be here so might as well at least... have some good memories in the place.

Hapon nang dumiretso ako sa labas ng Hotel lobby. I saw two receptionists and some other staff. Wala si Eusebius and ang mga kaibigan niya. Siguro, naliligo sa third floor o nagkakape sa rooftop. Baka nag hike o kung ano mang owede gawin dito. Wala naman akong ibang guests na nakita pero mukhang busy ang iilang staff.

Nandoon pa rin ang mga guard pero hindi naman ako pinigilan kaya lumakad ako papunta sa tulay.

I want to see how this day will end. It's not that gloomy but there's still a pretty sunset.

Huminga ako ng malalim.

This place is not good for my mental health. It gives me creep because I always imagine myself being with him here. But now that I learned my lesson, I badly want to go away again. How it went bad and how it went cold will never make me happy. This is just it.

"You're a fucking sociopath..."

I told you, Eusebius. Every word from you will remain in my mind. It will linger like a music in my ears forever. It will haunt me every night.

"If you want to kill yourself, get off my premises..."

At least you don't own this bridge, right?

I look around and hold onto my breath. At this moment, I've realized how vulnerable I am. That I can end it all in just a second. Maybe, no one will ever find me. My hold tightened because of my thoughts. My heart aches so much that I can't help to shed tears again.

How cruel...

Why am I being like this? I am so fucking strong. I recovered to the damages before. I forgot about my friends and left everyone. All the things I did, was for my own good. But why the hell am I holding my life into this bridge?

Bumitiw ako sa barandilya at humakbang ng isang beses.

No...

Tumalikod ako at hinarap ang malayong siyudad na unti-unting lumiliwanag dahil sa mga ilaw ng kabayahan.

It's better when all I care is just city, alcohol, and cigarettes. I stare in the dark place of Baler. I should've never been here in the first place. I hate when you ask me about how I feel about mountains and flowers. Because right now, I love them. Eusebius, I love you and the things I learned to appreciate because of you. I love this dark cold place where you punish me. If you'll ask me again if I like the sea, I'll say I'm attracted to death because it's killing me not to smell the salty breeze everyday. These thoughts are too dangerous that even I can't handle.

Sinuntok ko ng  mahina ang dibdib ko.

"Estupido..." mura ko sa sarili.

Lumakad ako paalis sa tulay na iyon. Saka ako natauhan at nanghina lalo nang makarating sa gate ng Hotel. I found myself walking in the stairs. Maybe going back to my room.

"Les..."

Napaangat ako ng tingin.

"Dinner?"

It's Sunny. He just came out of his room. I look at him with my softened eyes. I sniff and smile a bit. Umiwas ako ng tingin.

"Thanks. I'll stay in my room."

At nilagpasan ko siya.

I thought the day will end the same. Hindi ko alam kung anong nangyayari sa akin. Nakita ko na lang ulit ang sarili ko na naglalakad papunta ulit sa tulay pagkagising ko. Gabing-gabi na.

When I came back to my room, the staff brought some food again for dinner. But I didn't even took a bite.

Nalipasan ako ng gutom kaya siguro...

Humigpit ang kapit ko sa batong barandilya. Tuyo ang lalamunan ko pero may nagbabara dahil sa mga naiisip ko. Parang nawawala ako sa ulirat dahil sa mga naiisip na hindi maganda.

I found myself sitting in the railings of the bridge. The wind blowing my hair feels so good. I wanted to keep my eyes close longer to forget the things that's bothering me. The sound of the trees calms me. The whisper of the sea waves are so relaxing. Maybe someone is wishing for my death. Maybe someone's manifesting for me to die just like what happened to my brother.

I'm sure that Papa was mad about what happened to my brother. But if I was the one who got killed... maybe he'd just shrug his shoulder. I remember how he allowed me to live my own but he wants my safety. Is it destiny that I came here again?

I don't know know how many hours I've been sitting here. Being at the edge is a bit... comfortable. Am I really attracted to death? Or death has been on my back since the day I live this world? Maybe burden is my middle name.

If I jump off this bridge...

"Sebyo wait!"

Biglang may humila sa akin sa bewang at ibinaba ako mula sa pagkakaupo sa barandilya ng tulay. Sa sobrang gulat ay naiwang nanlalaki ang mga mata ko. Napaluhod si Eusebius nang hilahin niya ako pababa.

"What the fuck! What if he fell?" Stan's voice echoed the bridge.

I look at Basty who's panting. "You won't actually jump, don't you?"

Gulat na gulat ako nang magtama ang tingin namin ni Eusebius. I can almost hear his heart as I touch his chest. It was beating loudly, his heart is pounding as much as I do.

"Why are you sitting there, Les? Goddammit!"

The Stan that comforted me yesterday was mad. He looks as if he's going to cry any moment now. Nangigilid ang luha at hinahagod ang buhok niya. He's frustratedly panting like them.

Lumuhod siya at inangat ang mukha ko.