A Teen's Guide to Life

Step aside Edward Cullen

Vampires, those sparkly fairymen who are vigorous love makers and-

Wait, are you thinking of the same vampires I'm thinking of? The ones who die if they look at the sunlight? The ones who can sometime turn into bats or even werewolves? The ones sleeping in coffins and drink bloody human blood.

Yep, as a teen, there is going to be stories written by other writers. Vampires are clearly on trend thanks to freaking Twilight. Now, it was cool reading it once on Twilight but the next thing you know? The whole world is doing it. I think I prefer vampires more back when it was the age of Dracula.

I suggest you avoid those stories. They're rather annoying. Like the One Direction as vampires ones. Especially the One Direction as vampires fanfiction. Those are annoying and completely overused.

I mean, I'm sure there are good and creative ones out there. I'm sure they're ones that utilize the Twilight vampire trend quite well. But I haven't seen a single one yet, and I doubt I will.

If I were going to read one of those so called vampire stories, I want it to be something that describes how terrible it is just to have to live forever and watching everyone around you die. I want it to go into detail about all the troubles, the life before, the process. I don't want to read about a stupid romance story. Lord knows we have enough of those already.

Becoming a vampire does not make you a hot sparkly god. Sure, it gives you some handy dandy fangs as well as an extreme fetish for blood, but never a sparkly dud.

Vampires don't have a conscious. So please please please don't give me that ish about how they have to drink blood, but don't want to. Because that is ridiculous. It seems like nowadays, vampires have been degraded from scary creatures that give you nightmares to angels forced to drink blood.

A vampire won't fall in love with you. So go toss those dreams of being swept away by a fairytale into the trashcan because it ain't going to happen. If vampire sees you, you are officially classified as lunch. No two ways about it. The only thing a vampire could possible even hope to like about you is that you have a large amount of blood in you.

If you were being stupidly cliche and skipping down an alleyway while at night and see someone sucking blood from another person, put one in front of the other and run like chicken. Sure you'll be a cowardly chicken, but that chicken lives to see another day.

Although why you'd be out of bed at the middle of the night strolling in an alleyway, I don't know. Gee, where do all those girls get the energy to party all night and day? At ten o'clock, I am having a date... with me... my computer... and Netflix. You know, the best kind of dates?

Psh, who needs a romantic rose lit avenue with five star foods when you got you, your bed, wifi, and Netflix?

But seriously. If you make a vampire fanfiction, make it realistic. A vampire story shouldn't be:

I turned around and- there. There was that total sex god in the crowd. He looked so hot and perfect. Even among hotties he would have stood out. I slowly made my way over to him and smile at him. He flashes a smile that makes me melt. We immediately start dancing. "You smell lovely." He murmured. I melted (because that comment totally doesn't sound creepy at all. Really, who would openly say."You smell lovely"? Back away Jerko or I'm coming for you with my pencil disguised as an ax.)

Two seconds later we were boyfriend and girlfriend (because that totally happens) It was three seconds later that he revealed to me he was a vampire and he wanted my blood so badly but resisted. I gasped before immediately accepting it. (because you totally won't run like chicken if some random guy told you that you smelled lovely and wanted to drink your blood.)

He immediately told me he only drank animal blood. (Because you always reveal that in crowded areas where anyone can hear you.)

Even though I only met him about ten seconds ago, I was utterly in love with him so I begged him to make me into a vampire. (Woah there, going a tad bit fast aren't you? Slow down and enjoy the rainbows.)

See? That's what normally happens. Or, it's the cliche:
Jessica (Why's it always Jessica?) walked down an alleyway and saw this vampire drinking blood. She just stood there in awe of the handsomeness, and the blood dripping down the girls neck. (Ew, what the heck why would anyone be awed by that?)

Suddenly she felt a longing to be in his arms, and knew she could trust him. (Even though he's, you know, A FREAKING VAMPIRE AND WANTS TO DRINK YOUR BLOOD. HERE'S THE GARLIC. AND THE CROSS. AND THE HOLY WATER.)

I just met him, and already knew I loved him. (Gee where does that sound familiar from. Oh, just every single fanfiction out there. Nothing that bad.)

But hey, people, now you know what to expect when you see a book with the slightest hint of vampire in it. Don't forget to show your thanks by sending me a couple.... thousand oreos. Don't be shy!

And guys? Don't read the Twilight Saga. It is stupid, utterly ridiculous, and completely cliche. You will thank me later.

Although if I do happen to see Edward: on the streets nothing is going to stop me from walking up to him and say:
Oh my God, you're like my number one idol. Please give me your autograph."

Wow, that's really cute seeing how I'd probably continue my little fangirl moment with a thoughtful (Surprise, surprise! I actually do think) one like:
Now that I think of it you're only like, my second idol because, you know after Barbie. Barbie is goals. Actually, you're just like, my third idol after- oh wait, now that I think of it, you're actually rather far down the list. Whoops, irrelevant. Bye."

Take that Regina George, who's Queen Bitch now?
***
I know, I know, not funny. I really tried, but there's not much humorous things I can think of with vampires.

I hope the chapter was at least acceptable.

Lucy