A Teen's Guide to Life

Gurl You Ain't Batman

You know those girls who are hate themselves? The ones who constantly bash themselves as if they're a judge in America Next Model and their body is the contestant? The ones who hate everything they do? The ones that throw themselves under the bus so much that I don't know how they're still alive?

Yeah, this isn't about them.

She is vengeance.

She is night.

She is not Batman.

She is not Batgirl... or Spoiler or Huntress or Black Bat.

She actually isn't any of the above mentioned stuff.

Surprise.

Now before you ask me why I leas you on, I would like to clear up that the above is basically her bragging.

Yep. This girl is a bragging brat...whining and attention seeker...probably will grow up to be one of those who will actually just randomly have sex.

Or in more... realistic terms, she's a thirsty hoe.

What? Just saying it the way it is.

And you might be desperately handing her bottle after bottle of water but that thirst ain't quenched.

Okay, now I'm just being mean.

So everyone else is going,"Oh my god your art project is so good, mine sucks!" And responding (lying)," Thanks but uh, you know, your caterpillar-I mean pencil- I mean tree- project looks really nice too!" This person is thinking she is freaking better than Beyonce, Mother Theresa, and Taylor Swift combined.

She's beautiful, her art is amazing, she's popular ("Stoooop, I aaam popular!") and she is amazing at sports.

Realistically? She looks like a chipmunk. Her art project is a cheap ripoff of another's. She's popular for... well actually I dunno why she's popular, and I've seen her shoot a basketball and it wasn't all that.

Dude, I got her out once. And I suck at shooting hoops. In a game of knockout at gym ("It's physical education in the gym!") I'm literally just standing there with the ball like:

I missed. Whoops.

Oh no. It's all the way over on the other side of the gym. What a terrible tragedy.

Oh look in the period of time that I was retrieving the ball, I got out. How terrible.

And I'm waiting for the dumb chipmunk to make the damn hoop already so I can pretend I'm trying and get out.

And it's been about five minutes and the chipmunk is still trying so I'm panicking here like:

Oh no, the witc- I mean gym teacher is looking at me and she'll give me a zero on my participation and I really can't get that zero an-

Fuck. Did my ball really just make it in the hoop? Am I hallucinating? Is this a dream?

BYE KEISHA YOU OUT HA I'D LIKE TO SEE YOU BRAG NOW.

And everyone is just wondering if it was their eyes deceiving them or that I actually made it in. Me, Lucy, expert at not trying in games such as knockout, made it in.

Can we see where the doubt is streaming from?

And the chipmunk with her snooty little voice in all of her chipmunk glory has the worst comebacks ever. Like, people give up on arguments with them because the comebacks are ridiculous.

Sweetie, "I will slap you but that's animal abuse" is so five years ago. At least have the decency to say," Take a long walk off a short pier." or something.

So once, during art, while our table was literally the popular table and me, and guess what? I was placed with not the nice populars, but the jerks and brats who I want to throw off a bus.

Which means that chipmunk was with me. And I had to listen to them argue over who's better at sports (because they literally have this argument every time), who does more sports, and basically who was better than all of the rest of us lowly humans.

And somewhere down that road, it was brought to our attention that chipmunk and her friend were making the exact same project with small, minor differences.

So the friend thankfully didn't make a comment about whether or not her project was good, only defended it from the boys. But chipmunk, and freaking chipmunk, chipmunk couldn't freaking decide whether to hate her project or love it. So the entire fudging sherbertting time, we had to listen to her whine about how ugly it was and oh how it sucked.

Then, we watched her do a complete 360, and now she thinks that her project is a work of art, better than something Picasso could ever do. In fact, it's better than anything Picasso could ever dream of making.

Her art was a piece of crap.

Paint was leaking off the project, paint was mixing with other paint and creating that one ugly shade of brown, paint was basically doing everything it shouldn't do.

It was a mess.

You know when you were a kid playing with water colors? And then you would just paint circles and circles onto the paper until it was a big muddy piece of nothing?

That's what the chipmunk's project looked like.

And chipmunk? I'm no astronomer but I'm pretty sure the Earth revolves around the sun, not you. Just an innocent comment by an anonymous who wants to help.
***
Hey! Please say you haven't abandoned this book yet.

So if you wanna talk, my Instagram is wanderesslu, and my twitter is toastinglou.

For the first time, I didn't exaggerate in a rant. Which, is really sad.

Anyways, comment "Astronomy" and can we get two comments and one vote?

Lucy