A Hiraeth Dilemma (T.R.A.V.E.L SERIES # 3)

Chapter 35

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I stayed in the comfort room for a long time until I calmed down. Mabuti na lang talaga at walang tumawag sakin. God, I'm so tired gusto ko nang umuwi.

Napasinghap ako bago lumabas ng toilet stall. I fixed myself while looking at the mirror. Halatang umiyak ako.

Naghilamos ako ng mukha para kahit papano ay mawala ang bakas ng luha sa mukha ko.

I wiped the water on my face with a tissue pagkatapos ay napatitig ako sa sarili.

Kaya pa ba, Ellie? Suko ka na ba?

Matagal akong napa titig bago mahinang napailing. Hindi pa. Kaya ko pa.

Let's see hanggang kailan ako tatagal. Kung hanggang kailan ko mapapatunayan ang pagmamahal ko sa kanya. Maybe he's doing this to know where I can go.

Diba?

Hindi ako susuko until he say so. Kahit pinaparamdam niya sa akin na ayaw niya na sakin, I still won't. Because that's what he wants right? For me to prove myself to him.

To prove my love to him. Na hindi ko na ulit siya susukuan. Kahit nasasaktan na rin ako ng sobra.

When I left the comfort room, I acted normal. I did my job for the remaining hours kahit masyado akong occupied sa nangyayari.

And then I went home.

The condo was just silent just like how it is for days now. Ako lang naman kasi ang nandidito eh. I only cooked enough food for myself before going to bed.

Gusto ko nang matulog pero hindi ko magawa. My mind's thinking of a lot of things.

Tama ba ang desisyon ko?

I was so clouded with my thoughts kaya hirap akong makatulog nung gabing iyon. I feel like isang oras lang ang tulog ko bago nag alarm ang phone ko.

I'm still so tired.

I then went to the hospital. Nothing's new, hindi ko siya nakita kahit nasa iisang department lang kami.

I didn't expect to see him at lunch too but here he is, sitting in his chair when I entered his office. Andito na rin ang iba except Kalen.

"Nagpa deliver na ba kayo?" Tanong ni Amara after I sat beside her.

I didn't glance at Aziel, hindi rin naman siya natingin sakin.

"Should I buy food?" I asked kaya nilingon nila ako. Maging si Aziel.

"Si Kalen na daw bumili. He's on his way." Sagot ni Drake kaya napatango nalang ako at nag phone.

I searched for my brother's number. I want to text him.

To: Kuya

Kailan ka ba uuwi? Ang tagal naman. Sabi mo soon na.

He didn't reply kaya napakagat labi ako. He should reply, wala akong magawa! I want to pretend I'm busy, hindi ko alam ang gagawin ko kay Aziel.

I feel weird. Ayaw kong sumuko but enough naman atang nararamdaman niya ang existence ko right? I don't care anymore if I'm doing something for him or not, because it doesn't matter.

The only important thing is for him to feel that hindi pa ako suko. That I'm still here.

I'll only stop if meron na siyang iba or if he tells me that he's with someone else already. Ayokong makagulo ng isang relasyon so I'll stop even if it hurts.

Though it's just the same, I'm still hurting even when I'm with him.

Sumuko man ako o hindi, masasaktan pa rin ako. Kaya mas mabuting iparamdam ko nalang sa kanya na nandito ako, hindi pa rin ako sumusuko and will only stop at the right time.