Fearless ✔️

Chapter 52

"Don't you think it would be best if he stayed home with us?" Minnie asked the police officer as he rode with us to drop me off at school. "For reasons he will be better at school. Plus it will make it so Dean lives somewhat of a normal life while we go through this process. His father will have less time to stalk him and won't be able to learn Dean's routine if he is coming and going" he starts to explain as I zone out.

It was affecting me now. I miss him. I hope he's okay. I can't sleep and now Morgan is coming over to hangout with me, but I can't give him any of my time. He's trying... but it is happening again.

I feel depressed. I feel so depressed. I just want to cry and sleep. I told myself I wouldn't get close to people and I did. Now I'm stuck being sad again. I hate it.

"Here we are" Minnie sighs putting the car in park. There was already a police car parked and I huff stepping out of the van. Lloyd's van was totaled. No more mom van jokes for a while...

She gets out of the car not listening to the officer who tries to stop her. "If you stop me from giving my son a hug goodbye I'll break your wrist" the fiery women glared at him. He quickly sinks back into his seat scared.

"Yes ma'am" he answers as she closes the door and I get out on my side. I hug the short women and she hugs back just as tight. "I love you- just call me if you need to come home. I'll speed the whole way here" she chuckles moving some hair out of my face.

I was a mess. All my hair just clumped to my face. "I love you too... I'll see you later" I whisper laying my head on hers. "Goodbye" she mumbles and I say the same words before heading up the stairs.

Straight to my locker. Straight to class. The earbuds blocking out the noise. Blasting music that I couldn't even seem to process. The first person I've told that I love and he's gone. He's gone. Probably for good.

The teacher begins to talk but I ignore him turning the music up even more. I couldn't hear anything. Just the beat of some song I honestly didn't want to listen to.

I finally managed to look up from my desk and saw all eyes on me. Most quickly looked away. I got looks of disgust. Hurt. Anger. Pity. Damn sympathy.

I roll my eyes and grit my teeth before sneering. I hoped that would get some of them to piss off. It seemed to work a little. Gripping the end of the desk I sigh and give in. Resting my head on the table just so I didn't have to look at them...

Closing my eyes I just sleep. I couldn't stay up. I didn't want to be up anymore. The teacher didn't bug me and I woke up when the bell rang. Not bothering to grab my stuff for the next clas I just went to it. Sat down. Turned the music up. Slept.

This teacher didn't care either. I think they were either being understanding or just didn't care. Once again the bell rang and I hurried to be at my next class.

When I walked in the class it was like being hit by a wall. I sat in my spot looking to the empty spot next to me. Okay. It's okay. I looked over again and put a hand over my mouth as I tried not to cry.

He's gone. Oh my god he's gone. I've been acting like nothing happened. People started to walk in and I dragged my hand over my face pulling at my hair. It's okay. It's going to be okay. I'm sure they'll get him back.

So I wouldn't even need to be scared anyways. It's okay that you're not scared. It's understandable. It was all such a lie. I just wanted to make myself feel better for not being afraid for my poor boyfriend. I love him. I miss him. That's for sure.

Once again I couldn't take it anymore and just hid my head in my arms and cried. I think it was silently but I don't know my music was over powering everything.

I did end up waking myself up because of the scraping of chairs and the grumbling from the students in the class since I had apparently blocked out the bell. Taking my time I slowly made my way to lunch. It felt as if I was dragging myself through the day.

When I open the cafeteria doors it went silent. All eyes were on me. I started to walk again and they went back to their food only for it to go silent as the door opens again. Even I turn back to see a distraught Taylor. She looks around in panic holding onto her crutches for dear life. The eyes were judgement's and she was getting anxious. I go back to the girl and help her to our table sitting down next to her.

My eyes look to the spot where Lloyd usually sits. Jules sat suddenly right next to his spot staring at it. Then Leo next to her and Ivana next to me. Her head goes to my shoulder and we all sit silently.

"How long have you guys been back?" I ask looking up from the table. "Monday- my parents didn't want me missing school any longer" Leo sighs wiping his eyes. Ivana takes his hands and rubs them with her thumb as I look to Jules.

"Yesterday" she answers simply. "Today's my first day" Ivana hardly gets the words out her heart seeming to break more. "Me too" I whisper looking at her. "Same" Taylor whimpers grabbing her arms.

"Can I tell you guys something" I ask looking up hoping the tears will fade. "Of course" Jules smiles but it's quickly covered as she looks back at his spot again.

"My problem... or condition. It may seem stupid but I feel like I owe you an explanation and I can tell I've been making some of you mad by how calm I am" I look to Leo. He wouldn't admit it but at one point in the hospital he was losing his shit since I wouldn't cry after I snapped. I couldn't.

"Because of the abuse I suffered as a child my brain and body responded in a way that shut down my feeling of fear. I can't fear. I haven't since I was 6. My brain is trying to process this and it makes me respond weird. It'll shut off my emotions completely or heighten certain ones. I'll get super angry. Cry for no reason. Cry even when I'm happy- stuff like that. I know I'm messed up- and I'm sorry, I want to be scared that he's gone. I just can't I'm only sad that he's not here right now" I sob into my hands. The table stayed silent besides me crying. I found that I was weak. I was letting myself tell them.

I might as well just leave and get the rejection over now. Ivana knows so she'll stay. To my surprise I'm hugged from the person to my right... Taylor.

I sit up and see Jules coming over hugging me as well. Leo shakes his head and starts to cry. "I'm sorry- I just- I'm sorry" he cries as I shake my head trying to get him to stop. He had nothing to apologize for.

"You know that makes a lot sense now" Jules laughs sitting back down as we all looked at her. "Dean I literally tried to hit you like everyday to get you to flinch"she reminds me as I smile at the memory.

"Do they have any clues on the case yet?" Ivana asked me since I was the one practically living with cops. "Nothing- unless they're hiding it from me which they would definitely do" I mumble and that makes our moment of happiness leave once again.

We all stared silently again and my eyes linger wanting to see Lloyd smiling in his spot again. I wonder if he's in pain. Is the man hurting him? I hope not- that would well hurt. It's be sad.

"Are you guys going to eat?" Taylor asked looking at the empty table. "No- you?" Jules asked attempting to keep the conversation going. "No..." she trails off and we were all stuck in silence once again.

The bell rang and people hurried to leave but I didn't budge. None of us did. I just put my head down with a pathetic laugh and cried silently.

That's what we all seemed to be doing. Staring off into space- crying silently. Leo opens his mouth to say something but gave up and laid his head on the table quiet again.

I watched as staff members looked at us wearily but eventually decide to just leave us. I appreciated it. Whether they were being lazy or just didn't care I appreciated it. I really did.

"Do you think- Do you think we could have prevented it?" Ivana stutters out her question. None of  of us answered it. We didn't want to think about it.

"I just want him back"

"We all do..."