#1 In My Heart

Tuesday

I wake up to a "SHUT THAT FUCKING ALARM OFF" coming from the room next to me. Well, I guess Kats is up. Hungover him is always so grouchy. I look down at a groggy but awake Ei. "What time is it" he mumbles, rubbing his eyes. "7:02" I respond back grabbing my phone to turn off the alarm. "You're warm" Ei says trying to get up. "It makes me want to stay in bed." I laugh. "Sorry. I'll get up." "What the fuck are you two doing" a grouchy and groggy Kats says, standing in the doorway. "Shut up. You know I'm a drunk cuddler" Ei says back to him. "You're both so grouchy this morning" I respond getting out of Ei's bed. "Well. I wonder fucking why" Kats responds. "I have a fucking migraine." "Did you take the medicine I set out for you" I ask, looking at him. "Duh, idiot." He says walking away.

"GET OUT. YOU ALWAYS HOG THE SHOWER" Kats is screaming at Ei as he barges into the occupied bathroom. "I have two whole bathrooms. Why do you two always fight over one" I say walking past him, adjusting my suit. "I think he secretly wants to see my dick" Ei says smirking at me and Kats. That pushes Kats over the edge of his already grouchy attitude. "What the fuck did you say?" He questions as he starts chasing Ei. "Children, children. Calm down" I say sarcastically, walking to the kitchen to get some breakfast. That causes Kats to come over to me. "Shut the fuck up Icyhot" he says as he tries to punch me. I dodge him. "You're getting a little rusty, huh" I say back laughing, dodging yet another punch. "It must be the old age." I hear a laugh come from the hallway. "I like this new Sho" Ei says. "He's definitely not afraid to talk back to us now." "I hate both of you idiots." Kats says looking at me. "Move. You're doing it all wrong, dumbass. If you wanted me to make breakfast, you should've asked rather than trying to pathetically do it yourself. Useless." He pushes me out of the way. "I think I can make eggs" I respond back. "No. You fucking can't apparently" Kats gazes over to a half naked Ei. "WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOUR CLOTHES" "I'm going to change now. I was just laughing at your guys conversation."

"What are you guys doing today?" I question, eating the breakfast Kats made. "I have to be at school today. Sometimes I wish I could pull an Aizawa-sensei and just hide in a sleeping bag" Ei says reminiscing of when we were in 1-A. "I'm needed at the agency. I guess some useless people can't do some paperwork or something" Kats says after Ei is done talking.

I kinda like this. When we all eat together. Yes I have a big private apartment. But it feels a little less lonely when they're here. "I have to see my therapist today" I say back shyly. "Are you nervous?" Ei asks. He and Kats are always both so worried about me. "No. I've had a good week. My new dose of anxiety meds are working too. So that's good." I can feel Kats look at me. "Hey. Don't worry about me, guys. Seriously. I'm okay. You both know I'm better now." Something about this conversation makes me want to grab their hands to reassure them. But that would be too weird. They never believe me when I say I'm fine. I sigh. "It feels like you guys don't trust me when I say I'm okay." They both look up from their plates. "It's not that we don't trust you. It's that we're worried about you. We both know you're okay. We both see how much you've been working to maintain it too, but there's always a thought in the back of our minds that you could spiral again. We just don't want that happening" Ei says. They both look concerned and sad. They're probably thinking about the last time I spiraled. It was bad. "Guys. Really. Please don't worry. I haven't spiraled in years now. I haven't forgotten about our promise either. That the minute those thoughts try to come back, I'm supposed to call you guys and then my therapist." My voice is low. Like I'm about to cry. I still don't like being worried about. But it's cute that they do worry.

After breakfast we all head out. I drive them to their jobs since I picked them up last night. I drive to my therapists office to discuss this past week. I have weekly appointments. Not because I need them. I could've gone to monthly appointments now. But I like weekly better. I can tell her some things that I just am not comfortable discussing with Kats and Ei.

"Shouto." I hear her voice. It's always so soothing. "Hey Trace." I say back with a smile.
"Ready?" She questions as she guides me back to her darkly lit room. The air always smells like lavender.
"So how was your week?" She questions again as I sit down in the recliner next to her desk.
"It was good. I'm doing a lot more paperwork than hero work now. But I'm sure a case will come up soon that'll get me excited about being a pro hero."
"You're not excited about being a pro hero?" She asks
"It's not that I'm not excited. It's just. It was more fun back when I was interning. I guess I just kind of miss the action now." I chuckle.
"I see. And how are your new meds working. I saw that Dr. Sinclair gave you a new dosage for your anti anxiety?"
"Yes. It's working well now. I don't even get panic attacks anymore"
"Shouto?"
"Yeah?"
"I'm proud of you. You're doing such a great job with everything. I know it's been a long and grueling time with everything. But you're always coping with everything so well now"
I feel myself start to tear up. It's nice hearing that my mental state is improving. It makes me feel better.
"So anything else come up this past week?"
"Yeah something is happening to me lately when I talk to Kats and Ei"
"Oh?" She always has a surprised look on her face when I mention them.
"Obviously they were drunk last night. Obviously I took care of them. Obviously, drunk Ei wanted to cuddle. But..." I trail off.
"But?"
"But I can't help this feeling that I want more from them. Like I wanted kiss their foreheads. I wanted to hold their hands. I even thought about getting them keys made for my place"
"Have you talked to them about this?" She asks.
"No. It scares me. What if I ruin everything."
"But what if you create something even better?"
Her words do something to me. Maybe it makes me realize that I should take this step. Maybe it makes me realize why I keep thinking about them like this.

"I'll see you next week" I say as our 1 hour time comes to an end. I get into my car and drive to the agency. Her words still floating through my brain.