Lovelanguage: Baking

Chapter 11 - People are Confusing

I usually like being on my own. And the last day was so full of emotions, some that surfaced, some repressed. I was constantly wary of how I'm behaving and what Nathan might think of me. So if this was a normal circumstance it would be a long needed rest, to lay alone in my little room now. But instead I lay here, staring at the ceiling, whishing he was here or I was at his place again. Do I miss him? That would be ridiculous! We basically just met, it doesn't make sense. But still it's happening. Maybe it's because I couldn't text him that easily? No, if I had the ability to text him, I wouldn't. He deserves some time off from me. Yesterday was emotional for him too, aswell as today. He deserves some calm and I need to work on not being too clingy. I never thought I'd have that problem. I've always been a loner.

Julie got up from the floor, got some apple juice from the kitchen and then sat down at her desk underneath the high bed. She grabbed her pencils and some paper from the drawers and drew the only thing she could think of at that moment. Nathan.

She had never drawn anyone with acne scars before, but she liked the way they gave character to his face... they were basically like freckles, just different. So she pulled up a YouTube Tutorial of how to draw acne scars and followed along. Drawing bigger bodies was not as new to her. She had drawn the same character gradually gaining weight ever since she'd been a child. She didn't even really know why and didn't want to think about it too hard right now. She never shows her artworks of bigger people to others, because they feel more... private to her for some reason. Eventhough drawing a body with rolls is so much more exciting, fun and beautiful to her than executing the skin as a mostly flat surface.

Her first four sketches of Nathan went right into the trashcan, they didn't really look like him. She closed her eyes and went back in time with her visual memory. She remembered the way he smiled when they first spoke of each other as friends. She rememberes his smile when he saw the breakfast for the first time this morning. The way his usually full lips looked while genuinely smiling, the way his skin was pushed to the side, his slightly teary eyes. She opened her eyes and got to work and completely lost track of time until it was 1am and Nathans face in the pencil drawing smiled back at her.

Slightly shocked she noticed, that she didn't to any of the things she meant to do today, like doing the dishes or taking out the trash. But now she at least wanted to get out a little protective folder before putting her drawing with the pencils back into the drawer.

Very tired she fell into her bedsheets and remembered to turn on her alarm clock for her first lecture the next day.

The first two lectures of the next day she's going to have without Nathan. She really didn't look forward to that, since being alone in public never felt good to her.

I never thought that Historical Research would be the class I'd look forward to the most on Wednesday's, when I first got my schedule, but I'd kind of like to invite Nathan over to my Apartment. I already know where he lives so it would be kind of fair to invite him. And currently I don't have to prepare for any exams yet and the lecture topics are still pretty easy and surface level, so I don't really have anything else I need to do today. But would it come off as too clingy to invite him over since we've spent so much time together Monday? It's was 5 am, I just got out of bed and I'm already feeling anxious. About the two lectures on my own, about the question I might wants to ask him. Just having that 90 Minute lecture together, where we won't even be able to talk just sounds like too little. I usually liked being alone and am used to it, so why did I develop into a being with more need for social interaction than 90 Minutes? Well, to be fair living in a little apartment on my own is a different level of alone, than never having friends over and being alone in my parent's home. At least we had some conversations during dinner, eventhough they were mostly unpleasant. I can't even imagine how it must've been for Nathan, also having no friends, but also having no parents to talk to, while living in that house. I should really ask him to meet up today, I'm sure he'll appreciate it! But aaaaah!!! Why am I so nervous about stuff like this all the time? Well... because it has never gone well for me before, that's why, but still, Nathan is different... right?