Lovelanguage: Baking

Chapter 14 - What is love?

I can't believe how talented she is, in so many things, not just with cooking and baking. Does she really not know how incredible she is? She's so nervous and self-conscious, it can't be an act... It's just so unbelievable to me. And I'm not the only one who sees it. That guy Noah, seems to admire her aswell. Noah... Thinking of him, the comparison with himself made Nathan uneasy and insecure. So far she's always "chosen" me in these situations, where both of us were present. I just don't understand why. Does she maybe feel guilty because I took her in after she got lost? I know she sais she likes me... but I still don't really understand why.

"Nathan?" Julies Voice got through to him and Nathans eyes darted back to hers... her face was so close to his... almost close enough to kiss. Nathan shook his head, as if to shake the thoughts away.

"Hmh?"

"Sorry, we were just talking and you suddenly seemed distracted. Is something bothering you?" Julie asked while putting her drawings back into the drawer and cleaning the table in front of them up a little.

"Yeah I was just thinking about our day at Uni today... how were your first two lectures by the way? Did you spend the time with Noah... were you feeling safe?" Is that an inconspicuous way to ask how she feels about him? Nathan wasn't sure.

"Mmh... the first two lectures were okay I guess. At least I wasn't alone. He was pretty keen on sitting next to me and talking for some reason. I don't really know why to be honest, because I did a pretty bad Job at talking to him and seeming like a normal person. I was super awkward. Like really bad at conversation. I honestly don't know why he wanted to spend the break with me aswell, he must think I'm the biggest freak on the planet. I'm just so relieved I haven't messed up anything with you yet." Julie blushed a little while talking about it. That made Nathans stomach feel like it was turning around and falling into the deepest pit at the same time. He felt sick. Was she blushing because she liked that guy or because she was embarrassed thinking back on the conversation?

"Well messing up must be relative... since he still seems excited to spend time with you." Nathan said, trying to make his voice sound normal. Julie sat back down next to him again and looked into his eyes while continuing to talk, which was rare for her.

"Yes, you're right... that's so weird. Do you have an idea why he acts like that? Why he just doesn't care that I'm hard to talk to sometimes? Oh and sorry, I don't mean this... like I'm not fishing for compliments, I'm looking for an actual answer. And of course you don't know how the conversations went and stuff, but I'm genuinely confused." Her facial expression looked like one big question mark, which was so cute, that it made his heart jump, eventhough this topic and its potential repercussions, aswell as not knowing what she feels or thinks, had Nathan incredibly scared.

"I... I think the answer is actually quiet obvious."

Julie leaned back in surprise: "Really??"

"Yes, I think Noah has a crush on you... and therefore you can't do anything wrong in his eyes, plus he's basically addicted to spending time with you." Those words out of Nathans Mouth lingered in the air for a while after he said them. There was silence. At least she didn't break out in happy cheers as he was afraid might happen. After even longer seeming seconds Julie shook her head.

"That sounds logical... but also it doesn't. Like that would explain it, but it can't be true. First of all he doesn't even know me. I didn't get to show him any of the parts of my character or life story or skills or anything that might make me loveable. Also Theo said Noah was always looking at me before we even spoke a word, that just doesn't make sense, there must be a different explanation for that behaviour. Second... well I'm me. Nobody has had a crush on me and nobody ever will and I understand why. And apart from not staying away from a weird person like me, Noah seems like a perfectly normal person, who'd be able to choose way better options than me, in our history class alone. ...Sooo I think you're wrong, sorry."

Nathan had to smile a little. That was such a Julie-answer. Also she did not seem to reciprocate Noah's feelings after all, which immediately made him feel a little lighter... regardless of his actual weight. "Well I think you don't really have experience with an actual crush maybe? At least not in the way the average person experiences it. Because most people don't choose who they have a crush on. It's something that happens to someone, they don't have control over it and it doesn't need to follow any logic, necessarily. Also for many people the attraction to someones looks is a large factor in having a crush on someone, so they don't need to know them really."

Julie looked at him, with her eyes wide open. "Wait so actually like in books and movies? That's not just a plot device they use to save time?"

"Nope... it's real for a lot of people... love at first sight or a crush like that." Nathan just had to smile, because Julie was so baffled by this.

"Oooh... then thank you for explaining it so well! Oooh no!!! Does that mean Noah might actually have a crush on me? What do I do now? Like how do I tell him, that I don't feel the same? And what if I do tell him I don't have a crush on him and then it turns out he never had one to begin with? Because if that sort of thing is so heavily reliant on looks... I mean I don't think I look bad, but not really good either... just something in between, I just look like me. And how strong are crushes like that? Do I have to worry about making him cry if he actually has one? Like... have you ever had a crush Nathan? What does it feel like."

Nathan couldn't be happier. He now had confirmation that she had no feelings whatsoever towards Noah. Not that this makes any difference. Why did I care so much to begin with? Because I have feelings for her? She just confirmed that she never had a crush, and she probably is never going to have one and that's okay. And if she ever wants to explore romantic feelings or if life will ever hit her with a crush, it's not going to be on me and I need to be okay with that. But right now... right now the thought of her being in love with someone else hurts... But no, that's not going to happen, otherwise she probably would've had her eyes on someone before in her life, and that's perfect. We can just stay friends forever and I won't have to deal with feelings of jealousy.

"Oh? What does a crush feel like?" Nathan repeated her question "Well, it's when all your thoughts and wished revolve around that person. It's like one moment you were okay on your own and then you meet someone and it feels unbearable to live without them. You want to be near them, you want to hear their voice, hear them talk. Seeing them makes your heart jump. Maybe you start imagining scenarios with them in your life. If you're together you don't want to stop looking at them, maybe looking at them makes you... feel things. But... love is and feels different for everyone and you're special. So maybe love or these first feelings feel entirely different to you, or maybe you don't have them at all and all of that is totally valid! But the only thing I can do is just trying to explain how I experience it." The entire time Nathan had his eyes closed, just letting the words flow out of him. He hoped he wasn't too much, he hoped she wouldn't notice that the entire time he was talking about the way he felt about her. When he opened his eyes he found Julie pacing through her little room. Both hands folded, with their backs on her forehead, she seemed to be nervously contemplating something. Just a quietly muttered "ooh" escaped her. Nathan opened his mouth again:

"Did I..? Was that answer... alright?"

Julie stopped walking and sat back down next to him.

"Yes absolutely!!! You did a perfect Job explaining it, thank you so much!" She touched his arm, which was resting on top of the couch while saying that. It was like the touch was sizzling. Both of them retracted their arms, really fast. Julie now resting her neck on her hand, with the elbow on top of the couch. She suddenly looked a little sad.

"You really said that so nicely... whoever that person is, who you feel or felt this strongly for... I hope they didn't hurt you?" Julies eyebrows were raised in worry about him. Nathan felt warm inside.

"Oh... I..." Nathan needed a second to think about what to say. "I would never reveal my feelings to someone. Nobody would ever feel that way about me, so there's not really a point in putting the both of us in an uncomfortable position you know?"

"Why do you think nobody would ever feel that way about you? That's not true!" Julie paused for a second before she added "...I think"

Nathan looked down, nervously stroking the fabric of the couch. "Shouldn't it be obvious why nobody would ever fall in love with me? Looks might not be everything, but everyone has a bare minimum..." his voice cracked while saying that, making him sound even sadder.

Suddenly he felt a touch on his scared cheeks. Julie held his face in both hands, looked at him and said with full sincerity: "You are beautiful!"