Lovelanguage: Baking

Chapter 4 - Being a Hero

This day went so much better than I expected! Especially the two first lectures, sitting next to Julie and chatting in between felt so good. She seems so nice! I don't think I can call the two of us friends yet, we just talked a little and to normal people who have had a couple of friends before that probably doesn't mean much. Julie probably had some better chats after we had to go to different lectures for the last two hours of the day. I was so awkward in some of the situations and she seems shy and polite, she probably only talked to me in those two lectures out of necessity, because I had empty seats beside me and stuck with me afterwards because she hadn't met anyone else yet. I should prepare myself for the possibility that she could ignore me tomorrow and hang out with the new friends she made in her last lecture, while I was sitting alone during mine. But at least there is a chance that I won't be alone the entire day tomorrow and maybe I should allow myself to feel happy and not put everything in a negative light for once.

Nathan swung his legs out of the old bed he'd been laying in, his arms crossed on his forehead while thinking. But now he walked through the room and turned on the tiny radio in the corner and started dancing a little. First by moving his hips left and right to the rhythm, then he shook his hands up and down and really got into it. For a moment he was able to shut off his brain and portrait the confidence of the song and not his own. He lifts his hands and spins with his eyes closed.

When he finally opened his eyes towards the end of the song he caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror and immediately stopped dancing. Because of the movement his shirt had ridden up on his belly and the part of it that was spilling over his waistband was exposed. He felt a sting in his heart and started blushing as the insults his aunt used to throw at him daily started screaming in his head. He felt tears building up and looked at his round face, covered in deep acne scars, his long black hair and brown eyes. It felt like the "normal" looking child he once was, was still underneath all of the pain somewhere, but it became harder and harder to find.

I just wish I could exist without needing a body. It caused so many horrible things that happened to me, all of the shame I'm feeling, the loneliness, the bullying, the verbal abuse. However my brain also causes me a lot of pain. I don't know what repels people more from wanting to be around me, my looks or that cloud of insecurity, anxiety and sadness around me. So maybe being a bodiless brain floating around and existing doesn't sound like that much fun. Would I even be able to eat if I didn't have a body? I would miss those incredible, comforting tastes... like Julies Cookies today.

Thinking about food and the Cookies made Nathans Mouth water and he felt how much hunger had been building up over the course of the day. And all of the emotions multiplied that hunger by 1000. How else was he supposed to deal with them if he had nobody to talk about them with? And how else was he supposed to feel a tiny bit of happiness if everybody that had ever been good to him, has been taken away.

When he entered the kitchen he had to realize with a groan, that he hadn't been able to motivate himself to buy groceries the entire week, he only had a couple milk packages, condiments, butter and carrots left. Looking at this little selection made his tears run down his cheeks even faster. He didn't want to and couldn't leave the "house" right now, so he ate and drank what was available and his belly felt very unsatisfied afterwards.

He just wanted to roll himself up into bed again, but looked out of the window first. The window was broken, because of a little kid that had thrown a rock through it once, so he didn't even have to open it to get some fresh air and look out onto the street. It was the evening and the sun had started to set, but the streetlights weren't turned on yet, so he decided to stand there for a little longer, looking out of the window until the lights turn on. He had loved doing this as a child for some reason.