Lovelanguage: Baking

Chapter 12 - Breadcrumbs

The previous day... Nathans POV

Being alone after being in company for a long time, or being alone while you wish you were with someone just hits different. The flowers she bought are still on the dining room table, the groceries she brought still in my messy fridge and cabinets. And it's not as if I'll never see her again, it's going to be tomorrow afternoon, when we'll have a lecture together again and after so many years of being alone that shouldn't feel like a long time... but it does. And that's not to say that this is a worse feeling than the loneliness beforehand. It's nice to have something... someone... to look forward to. It's just... different.

After getting home by train, Nathan was now pacing through his room, lost in thought. Mindlessly, he did what he always did when he was emotional and walked towards the kitchen. It was well stocked, because he also went grocery shopping after his college courses for the day and he had been very hungry while shopping, so he went a little overboard. He grabbed two boxes of cookies and sat down on the floor of his room with them. The first bite was already releasing its wonderful taste in his mouth, when he realized what he was doing.

I... shouldn't... those guys today were right... I look so out of place next to her. And I know it's never going to be more than friendship between us, but I still want to be a kind of friend, that she can be proud of being seen in public with. Where people don't question why we're friends... that we're friends. And as much as I hate to do this to myself... I think I need to... diet...

That thought sent a shiver down his spine. The memories of the horrible nights of hunger pains at his aunt's house came rushing back to him. How she screamed at him, called him a fat troll, a monster, when he wasn't even half the size he was now. How when he accidently broke a glas, or got a stain onto the carpet he had to go up to 3 days each without food, because she knew that hunger was the most effective way to punish him. How he always got less than half the portions if any compared to her and her daughters on a normal day, where he wasn't punished, eventhough his aunt had her daughters on a strict diet aswell, while trying to push their modelling careers. That horrible, horrible feeling that kept him from sleeping, that felt like it was eating him inside out... the hunger. Was he really going to inflict that kind of pain on himself? Willingly?

Maybe he'd be able to work out instead. He didn't like fitness, but maybe it would be less painful than the hunger. He stood up and looked around in his room a little unsure of how to work out. He had never really tried it before. One thing he knew were pushups, so he got down on all fours and then into a semi-planking position. His arms were already shaking, sending waves through the fat on his body. He closed his eyes, not even needing to try to feel it all, but trying to use that feeling to motivate himself. He started to bend his arms a little bit. The shaking intensified. But he didn't get far, until he could feel the cold texture of the floor on his low hanging belly and the surprise was enough to make his arms collaps. And now he layed there, on layers of his own fat. He tried to push himself up again, for another attempt of a pushup, but he just couldn't get up again. He rolled to the side and then sat back up with the help of his arms. He felt so humiliated, so ashamed, but there was also a different, weird feeling, but he sort of pushed it away, since it didn't really make sense to him.

Defeated he crawled back to where he sat before, next to the cookies. So if working out is not an option, then does he go with the hunger or does he just give up before he even started. He stared at the cookie box and his belly started to growl and he rubbed it a little bit. And then he opened the box again and started eating, slowly at first, then faster and faster. He felt so guilty about his lack of self control, but that just made him even more desperate for food.

The next two hours went by, full of amazing tastes, until his belly was finally full, pushing out almost painfully. He was surrounded by packages, the cookies, milk, ice cream, donuts and other snacks. He struggled to get up, trying to put them away. He was tired and just wanted to lay down, and reaching down for them was very bothersome, with his usually soft, low hanging belly now being hard from being this stuffed. So after two packages he just layed down on his bed, feeling the heaviness of his belly and immidiatly drifting off to sleep, like underneath a weighted blanket.