Lovelanguage: Baking

Chapter 22 - Honest

Nervously Nathan paced through the dining room. Julie's hasty retreat from the table worried him.

I know she's been through a lot over the past days, did anything trigger memories from that evening? I hope I didn't do anything... Or had it all worn her out so much, that she couldn't muster the politeness anymore, to deal with me eating like a pig in front of her? Did I spoil her appetite? Or did she get uncomfortable while eating in front of me again herself, but I was too preoccupied with stuffing myself to notice? Is she mad at me? Should I go check on her? I think she said she needed some alone time and she usually communicates exactly what she means, so no? But I'm not sure... Did she maybe feel sick? But the food tasted perfect to me? Or did she maybe get her period? I heard it's very painful... I hope she's not in pain.

He felt helpless, useless and anxious while waiting to hear anything from her. He had just eaten a huge portion of food and didn't feel hungry in the slightest, but this cocktail of emotions made him really WANT to eat. Stressed he walked over to the kitchen and started to snack on some of the freshly bought cheesy breadsticks. After a little while he heard a door upstairs open and close.

Hastily he got away from his snack and out of the kitchen, just in case it was something about his eating or his looks that upset her earlier. He looked up the stairs to see, if she was coming down. She looked even more pale than usually and her legs were a little shaky when she walked downstairs. Nathan concluded, that she really must've felt sick earlier and prepared himself to take care of her, not just emotionally, but also physically this weekend. But when she looked up at his, there was panic in her eyes.

"What happened?" Nathan asked, worriedly.

Julie opened her mouth, but no noises came out, so she walked past him, through the open door onto his bed and hugged her legs. He followed and sat down next to her. His weight led the bed to get pushed down considerably more than on her side, which involuntarily made her slight closer to him. There was an electrical feeling between their almost touching arms. He tried to be as patient as possible, while waiting for her to speak, but he also got increasingly more worried as time went on.

Finally, her beautiful voice rang through his room.

"I... I don't really know how to start this, but... but you know that I'm attracted to you right?"

Oh god... where is this going? Is she going to "break up" with me and tries to make it better with compliments? Why is she this anxious about what she's trying to tell me? Was is really my eating earlier that was unbearable for her to watch? For her... for her I could at least try to change, I can't lose her! But could I really stick through a diet? It would hurt so much to go through that again on so many levels. I am ready to endure pain for her... but that much? Maybe I could explain in more detail what happened at my aunts house? Would she understand or think I'm making excuses for my greediness?

Julie continued talking, not waiting for his reaction.

"and I notice that the attraction to you is way more intense in some weird... unusual situations. And to be honest I'm too inexperienced to differentiate if it's sexual or sensual attraction. But first off... I think I might me demisexual, because I've never felt attraction to anyone at all apart from you, but I also never got the chance to really got to know someone. But that's not the thing that I actually wanted to tell you... Like, I know what I'm about to say might sound very weird... the thing is, I just realized that demisexuality can't be the whole explaination for what's going on inside me, since the situations when I feel it the strongest are just... not quite normal."

She took a deep breath and was shaking even more, before concluding while speaking fastly.

"It's just that... when I watch you eat I want to be near you! I want to touch your belly and your hips and your body in general. When you're bloated and your shirt rides up, I'm getting flustered. While actually being able to see your body, shirtless in my kitchen I thought... I thought how hot your big body looked and wanted to feel you close to me. ... so I just went to google some things, when you made me feel things again while eating and it turns out that there's a whole community who's into... fat people and stuff and it's a... fetish. I have honestly no idea how and why it's a thing and I feel like that... not that there's anything wrong with being bigger or being attracted to it... it's just... apparently not normal and I don't know... I just wanted to be, like... transparent and honest with you. And if it's... if you think that's inappropriate or weird, I guess that's... understandable."

She mumbled the last to sentences with her head hung down, avoiding to look at him.

Nathan looked down at his own belly, which was almost painfully full from the warm meal, desserts and the snack and was clearly visible through his, now tightly fitting shirt. He put one hand onto the top of it and a little wave made it's way through his fat until it reached the bottom. Deep in thoughts he asked:

"So... you like... this?"

Julie's eyes followed his and looking at his big midsection she blushed and nodded. Afterwards she quickly looked away. Nathan looked down at his body again, feeling a little different than usual.

I... Does she.... Can she actually find this attractive? My body, which I've been so ashamed of and I've tried to hide or change forever... that has endured so much and brought me so much pain, shame, humiliation... and isolation. Could it actually have been useful for once? Could it really have been the thing that brought Julie to me and makes her want to be close to me? Maybe even... Maybe my belly and my body could be the things that make her want ME?

He stood up and walked towards a mirror and for the first time ever, he looked at himself fondly. Trying to see what she sees in him.

Julie is the best thing that ever happened to me. I just can't believe how lucky I am, that she's into me like this... just the way I am. That she doesn't demand me to lose weight and diet for her, but even likes to watch me eat huge amounts of food. I've been longing for love for so long, but I always imagined a girl that would tolerate my looks at best, who at some point would require me to lose weight in order to be able to get into the mood around me. I had debated in my head for nights, what I would do in that scenario... usually shutting myself down with crying over the fact that I'll never even get that far... getting a girlfriend seemed impossible and now look at me. Having the most gorgeous girl I've ever met sitting in my room, revealing to me, that she things of my body as... hot.

He turned around to the side, lifted his shirt and inspected his exposed belly in the mirror.

I'd still be and still am embarrassed by it in public, but... I can kind of see what Julie could find attractive about it. He looked very soft and touching his fat revealed he was even softer, despite being as full as he is right now. It's squishiness had fun, addictive physics, like in the way it behaved. His overhang, spilling over his waist formed a faint, rounded "W" shape at the bottom, that could possibly look endearing? He still wasn't a fan of his stretch marks, but because Julie also dealt with his deep acne scars like a champ, she's probably not bothered by them either.

He was used to looking at himself with deep self-hatred, and subconsciously he waited for it to set in now too... but it stayed away, which almost felt weird.

He looked over at Julie, who was even more pale than a few moments ago and looked like she was about to faint. With dread he realised that he hadn't said anything to her the entire time and she couldn't read his mind of course.

"Oh, that's great news! First off, thank you so much for being so courageous and telling me! I'm just... so relieved. I never thought you could actually think of me as attractive like this... And knowing I'll never need to lose weight for you is just... such a relieve!!!"

A huge smile appeared on Julies face and her body stopped shaking. Both walked towards each other and ended in the best, most intense hug that they've had so far.