Lovelanguage: Baking

Chapter 23 - To be Loved

The rest of the day was lovely, Julie felt like Nathan was in a better mood than usual. They talked, played video games, baked and cooked together, toured through the empty rooms of the barn and played some card games in the evening. It felt like the kiss and feelings they shared changed nothing about their friendship, which Julie was very relieved about. But the night came and soon it was 1 am and something was in the air, like a sizzling feeling between them, as they sat next to each other on the floor of Nathans bathroom and Julie won a discussion about the sleeping situation, so that Nathan was able to sleep in his own bed and she laid on layers of blankets on the floor. Nathan had protested heavily, but they ultimately agreed that Nathan had already slept inside a bathtub and on a couch, while she had slept perfectly within a bed, so it was only fair to switch now.

After they had brushed their teeth, they stood in front of each other in his room, feeling that electricity between them. Nathan was the first one to say something.

"Soo... I know you are... I know you like my body and you've already seen it in your kitchen." He blushed, embarrassed while remembering. "But is it actually okay if I undress in front of you? ...I haven't bought pajamas in a while, since I always sleep without them. So I actually don't have any that fit here aswell. And eventhough you say you like it, I don't know if it's maybe more the idea of my body and if the actual thing, so close could be too much, and that the rose-coloured glasses fly away and you could end up disgusted and regretting getting this close to me." Nathan looked at her with big, scared puppy eyes and everything he just said made her melt.

"I could never, ever be disgusted by you! You're beautiful to me, never forget that please. And because I trust you, to never do anything I'm not okay with, I'm totally okay with you undressing with me in here and I'm even a little excited to get to hug you without a shirt maybe." Now she blushed too, while confessing that without really thinking about it. Nathan looked at her happily and thankful, but still just stood there, unsure. So Julie, who was apparently too tired for there to be a filter between her brain and her mouth, suggested:

"Maybe it would help if I undress first, so that you could focus on my body instead of yours?"

Nathan looked at her for a second, stunned, until he shyly smiled.

"That would be amazing and actually super helpful!"

Julie nodded and immediately half-regretted her suggestion.

"Okay... okay... okay, but I need you to know that I'm insecure about my body too. I still struggle with body dismorphia and eating sometimes and my body kind of reflects that and is... Please don't judge it too harshly okay? I know you probably wouldn't but I... I just need you to know first, that I also know that it's not perfect and that if there's something I could be insecure about I already am and there's no need to point anything out, it's..."

Nathan stepped forward and slightly stroked her forehead and gave it a little kiss. "Ssshh, I would never Judge you, especially not for your body! There's nothing on there, not the biggest deepest scar or weird shapes, rolls, ribs or weird skin... things... nothing on you could stop me from thinking you're perfect! And on top of that, I'm in absolutely no position to judge anyone for their body." He said while laying his hand on top of his huge, soft belly. Julie felt her heart beating fast and body tingling in response. And she slowly started removing her Top. She saw his eyes widen in awe and a cute smile form on his face, when he took in the sight of her body. Then he took off his own shirt and now Julie got to be in awe of the stretch marks that painted shapes on his belly, his arms and his chest, with some of them barely noticeable and some others fresh and red. His love handles were so wide and looked so soft to touch, his big, soft belly protruding and a lot of it hanging low over his waistband, forming that beautiful shape at the bottom. She looked him in the eyes and smiled shyly:

"You look really good... very handsome! Thank you for trusting me enough."

He stepped closer to her and hugged her. She was nervous, as she was usually very sensitive to sensations on her bare skin, but his skin on her felt lovely. Not too warm and not too cold, not rough or scratchy, just nice and soft. Her hands naturally found his wide hips and she glanced up to Nathan, to be able to see his eyes. His hands carefully touched her hair, neck and shoulders, until he finally shook his head and thought out loud:

"How do you always know exactly what to say to make me feel good? You're magical and on top of that also incredibly beautiful yourself."

Julie's heart started to flutter and she felt weightless and Nathan made the feeling even better, when he continued talking.

"But no matter how beautiful you are on the outside, nothing is ever going to be as beautiful as your kindness, how gentle, understanding and patient you've been with me so far, how you care about me and my happiness. I thought I would never experience being 'loved' like this, not just because of my looks, but also because I'm sad and shy and insecure and get so in my head that I tend to push people away or don't even have an inviting personality to begin with, so I had convinced myself that maybe I didn't deserve kindness, but then you stumbled into my lecture and proved me wrong and I know that I've tried a couple of times, but I just can't express how thankful I am for you."

Julie laughed a little, while blushing.

"And you say I'M the one who always knows what to say?!? For someone with barely any social or romantic experience that was an incredibly cheesy and romantic little monologue!" she laughed some more, but then worried, that he'd not understand her tone right or interpret cheesy as something too negative so she added. "And I really do appreciate everything you said!"

Nathan was blushing too now and bashfully scratched his neck.

"Well... that'll maybe sound a little weird, but when you convince yourself you'll stay lonely, you just sometimes, sort of imagine scenarios and dialogues in your head to get a glimpse into what it would feel like to be in a situation like this and since we've met I've maaaybe imagined myself saying something similar to you a couple of times. And of course media helps with ideas of what to say and stuff."

"Really? I do that too! Like that playing through conversations in my head thing!"

Both of them laughed in harmony at that weird similarity they had found. She felt the waves that the deep laugh sent through his fat and they felt so fascinating and relaxing, while she was feeling them in front of her.

But sooner or later both of them let go of each other and were about to go back to their respective sleeping spots in the bedroom, when Julie felt almost disappointed, that their moment of closeness was over. Touching someone over an extended period of time would usually make her want to run away, but she caught herself immediately wanting him close to her again.

"Nathan?" she almost whispered.

He turned around and she moved a little closer to him, to kiss him. When he understood that she wanted to kiss him his face turned into the widest smile and he moved closer towards her too, until their lips finally met and it felt even stronger than the first time. She was not as distracted by racing thoughts, she had full clarity to feel and it felt amazing.

Cuddled into her pile of pillows and whishing Nathan a good night a few minutes later, her head still spun blissfully. But after a little more time passed, some more bothersome thoughts rushed back into her mind. Are my parents going to like him? How is my family going to react to him and his size? How can I shield him from negative comments, not just from my family, but from the entire world? Are we going to have enough money to keep him well fed with his appetite? Is he actually going to be able to live with me as his girlfriend if I maybe won't want sex with him? Or would it be okay for me to get intimate with him, if it makes him happy? How would that feel? But all of those thoughts didn't change one thing she knew for certain. That she wanted to be with him, be his girlfriend and show him how much he's actually worth.