Young and Foolish

Chapter 34: Internalised Homophobia? No Thanks

Theodore's POV

OH GODDESS. 

My brain was short circuiting. 

He was in my bed. We were holding hands. Oh Goddess. I had no idea how I was going to fall asleep tonight. 

We had spent the whole weekend practically joined at the hip. I flirted with him endlessly, but my oh my, he was so terribly dense. It was honestly kind of cute though. But so frustrating. Maybe I just wasn't that good at flirting. 

I mean, I did compliment him as much as possible when we were studying. Maybe he thought I was just a nice person? 

I was always touching him, too. I made sure our elbows were against each other while we sat beside each other, or I had my foot resting against his foot, or I ran my fingers through his hair with the pretense that there had been something in his hair or his hair was getting in his eyes. 

My touches were always lingering, but, so far, never as obvious as holding hands. He was the one that instigated this. Did he like me back? 

Or was he trying to console me? Goddess, I wished with all my heart that it was more than just that. 

We weren't even really holding hands. It was just our pinkies linked. Still, it felt so intimate compared to everything else. 

"Theodore?" he whispered. My heart jumped. I thought he had fallen asleep long ago, but my heart wasn't acting up out of surprise. My silly heart was going crazy because of how much I loved hearing his voice. 

"Yeah?" I whispered back, turning to look at him. 

"Can I call you Theo?" 

No one called me Theo. It was always either Theodore or Teddy. I really liked the idea of him being the only one to call me something. It made it sound more special. 

"Of course," I replied. 

He nodded, and then looked up at the ceiling. I figured that was the end of the conversation, but just as I was about to turn away, he spoke again. 

"Are you homophobic?" 

What. 

"What? No, of course not," I cried out. He flinched at how I had practically shouted that right by his ear, and I immediately lowered my voice, "Everyone deserves the right to love and be loved." 

"Sorry, I didn't mean to offend you," he whispered back. I shook my head; I wasn't offended really, more just thrown off guard. 

"Well, I'm also gay myself, so I think it'd be a tad ironic if I was homophobic anyway." I replied, hoping that he wouldn't scramble out of my bed because of that. Just because I was gay didn't mean I'd fall in love with every male I interacted with. But at the same time, technically, I did have feelings for the man right beside me. 

"Cool." He swallowed, and I almost laughed at how nervous he sounded. I mean, this wasn't quite the best way to react when someone came out, but it wasn't such a bad way either. Jason was just really cute sometimes. 

"I mean, I'm gay, too," he clarified. And Goddess, the things that raced through my mind in that moment made my heart go on overdrive. 

"Actually," Jason shook his head at his own statement, "I don't really know. I've never really liked anyone all that much, but recently there's been this one guy. I just, it's like, well, I don't know." 

Oh Goddess. He liked someone? I didn't want to assume it was me, but at the same time I really really hoped it was. More importantly, he was having some sort of sexuality crisis, and as his friend, I wanted to help him out. 

I sat up to look at him more clearly. He wouldn't be able to sit upright without having to crouch so his head wouldn't touch the ceiling so he remained lying down, looking up at me. 

"You don't have to label yourself right now. In fact, you don't have to label yourself ever. It helps to have a little bit of experience first before you decide what you like. But there are tonnes of different orientations that you can research about to see which fits yourself best." I didn't want to be too biased when talking about this with him. I didn't know everything about sexual identities, and he'd honestly be better off learning about this from the internet, but I still wanted him to think of me as someone he could be open with and trust. 

"You have experience?" he asked, his voice sounding small. 

"Well, not exactly," I laughed awkwardly but that didn't really lighten the tension, "I've never looked at girls the way I look at guys though, and it just feels right for me to call myself gay." 

He was quiet for a moment. 

"Well," I broke the silence, "whoever it is that you like is a very lucky person." I grinned, to show him I'd be supportive of his relationship. Goddess, I wouldn't even be able to cry myself to sleep if he ever started dating someone else because he'd be able to hear me no matter how quiet I kept my sniffles. 

"Consider yourself lucky then," he replied. 

I looked at him. He looked at me. 

And suddenly, he sat up, and moved to get down from my bed. I grabbed his shoulder to stop him, and he immediately stilled. 

"You don't have to answer me now. I can wait until you're ready. And you don't have to say yes either. Don't feel pressured by the fact that we're roommates. I'll give you as much space as you want if you say no." He didn't once make eye contact with me as he said any of that. 

"I'll sleep in my bed tonight," Jason finished. He placed a hand over mine to remove it from his shoulder. I placed my other hand over his. 

"Stay," my voice was quiet, but almost frantic. He finally turned to look at me. But it was only a moment before he flopped down into bed, facing me this time. I laid down beside him, facing him. 

He blinked. I blinked. 

"I like you, too," I whispered. 

He looked down. I could hardly make out the tiny smile that played on his lips in the dim moonlight, but, Goddess, he looked so freaking adorable. 

His hand found mine, and this time he clasped each of our fingers together. 

"We should sleep," he said, almost as if he was convincing himself more than me. And this time, I really did laugh. 

"Yeah, we should," I grinned, once my giggles were out.