Weak || Bang Chan

twenty nine

Song:
Domino by WayV
~~~

I laid a cold, damp flannel across his forehead in an attempt to cool him down. I managed to basically carry Chan up all the way to my apartment and get him into my bed with some sort of ease, Chan completely unsteady on his feet. His chest was heaving for air, chills charging through his body as he violently shook. The fever was taking quite a toll on his body and I even considered calling a doctor several times, but Chan refused.

Now the black-haired boy was bundled up in about two duvets and three blanket layers as I sat beside his body, making sure he had enough water at the bedside.

I was completely shattered as the clock ticked 1am. I had work in the morning and I was completely unprepared, ignoring the fact I had to be up in five hours.

I didn't even have the electric feelings that Chan made me feel; I was completely in nurse mode, trying to make the boy feel as comfortable as possible as he sweat out his fever.

"Do you need anything else?" I gently asked, reaching over to fluff up his pillows. Chan's eyes were screwed up shut as he buried his face into the soft fabric of my pillow. However, he shook his head with little energy and I sighed, getting up to go sleep on the sofa.

"Where are you going?" He quickly called out, voice weak. I wondered how his vocals were going to hold up whenever the boys next had to record or perform.

"I'm going to bed," I replied, turning once more but noticing how Chan's hand shot out from underneath the covers, almost seeming to grab for me in the dim light.

"Wait," he called, trying to sit himself up, "Please don't leave."

I hesitated, barely a meter away from his grasp as he rubbed his eyes with his other hand.

"This isn't very appropria-," I began but he shook his head.

"Please! I hate being alone," his voice cracked as if he were going to cry, "I don't want to be alone anymore."

Emerging through the dark room was a whimper followed by a sob. A shock dumbfounded me as I quickly took a seat beside him on the bed, grasping his hand in between mine.

"Chris, it's okay," I cooed, squeezing his hand, "I'm not leaving, I'm right here."

He furiously wiped tears from his eyes and the sweat from his brow, clutching the duvet and burying his face into the fabric so I couldn't see him cry.

In that moment, he became the young trainee he once was, working tirelessly every day to become the best of the best. Oceans away from his parents back in Australia, he was essentially raised by strangers. How alone he must've felt, even though he was surrounded by people twenty-four-seven, the feeling of being completely alone must've eaten him up. While he found his team, became whole and found his best friends at last, losing one of them to a problematic situation must've been so hard. Everything he had built and controlled had threatened to reduce to rubble.

I figured it out. Finally. The reason he hated me. How could I have been so oblivious?

In the beginning, I wasn't a threat to Chan, I was a threat to everything he had created. I had always just thought he was being an asshole for the sake of it, possibly jealous that I was getting on well with everybody but him. Chan and Felix had been incredibly close since Stray Kids had formed and I thought I was threatening their dynamic, maybe Felix was favouring me or the fact that Minho and I had started dating threatened the absence of one of the elders of the group.

But no, that wasn't the reason. The reason was that Chan felt that everything he had made with his life's work was going to demolish as I was the only one he didn't have control of.