Weak || Bang Chan

twenty six

Song:
toy by takayan
~~~

After the theme park, we headed back to the JYP dorms and the boys began cooking almost immediately. I guessed they were hungry but I didn't realise it was 'tearing apart the kitchen' starving. I made myself comfortable at the dining table next to Changbin who was just shaking his head at the others.

"Animals," he muttered, laughing to himself before he turned to me, "Can't believe this is what we have to deal with."

I began to laugh, watching as Felix shoved an entire brownie into his mouth, eyes looking feral with hunger.

Minho and Seungmin were the only calm ones who were trying their best to cook with the boys bustling around them. Chan was helping himself to snacks as Jeongin tried swatting him away, only resulting in the elder hugging the maknae to pin his arms to his sides. I smiled at that.

Felix sat down opposite me at the table, shuffling his eyebrows in acknowledgement. He seemed a bit iffy with me and I didn't know why until I remembered his gaze at Chan and I at the theme park. That made me remember entirely what his deal was.

I saw him look down at his phone, texting something before my phone buzzed. I fished it out my pocket and read the text.

Frecks✨: tell me what's going on with you and chan and why are you and minho weird

I rolled my eyes at him across the table, fixing my jaw in place before tapping in a reply.

Thornz🥀: nothing is going on

I turned off my phone and shoved it back in my pocket. I wasn't in the mood to explain myself to Felix because I knew he'd kick off. Han came to sit beside Felix with a packet of soy flavoured fish in his hands, munching contently but quickly eyeing the tense atmosphere created between my best friend and I.

Felix was now glaring at me, phone still in his hand as I watched his thumb hit the sleep button. Running a hand through my hair, I excused myself from the table, turning my back on the kitchen mania and making my way to the bathroom.

Once locked inside, I sighed, looking at myself in the mirror above the sink. A sickness settled in my stomach. Not only was I thinking about what Minho said on the Ferris Wheel earlier that day, but now I also worried about how Lix felt about me. He must've thought I was toying with Minho but that wasn't my intention at all.

We were slowly becoming strangers. I knew it, he knew it and so did the rest of Stray Kids. Not only were Minho and I drifting apart but the thought of going back to work and facing Mr. Hae added to the nausea I felt. I hated the dirty feelings that coated my being like tar. I blamed myself for what happened, for freezing and not standing up for myself. I felt like it blackened my soul just that little bit and a lump formed in my throat just recounting the previous events. Maybe that's why I was becoming distant with Minho? Because I was afraid of how dirty I had become. The distance was comforting in a sense; I had control in my private life that I had lost in my work life.

However, on top of that, Felix was glowering at me, pestering for an answer as to what was going on between his friends and I. He always seemed to look bitter whenever he glanced in my direction during our time in the theme park. Even back at the dorms, Felix knew the dynamics had shifted. He was approaching a demand for an answer but I didn't want to elaborate on how I felt. I just wanted to be left alone.

But my mind wandered to Chan.

It seemed as though all the rough seas we battled against became calm waters and the feelings he made me feel were, well, different. I didn't know how I felt about Chan but he stuck lightning through me; an anxious excitement as I anticipated his next words or movement. The way his demeanour was so calm but he spoke with passion, how his eyes turn into crescents and his dimples carve into his cheeks. How his eyes sparkled when he called me beautiful. The way he linked our fingers together each time he holds my hands or hold my body so weightlessly with his strong arms. The dress he bought me. Each of these things created a buzz in my head like a hive of bees, so alive with the electricity Chan made me feel. So alive but giddy with nervousness.