Weak || Bang Chan

thirty nine

Song:
Limbo by Stray Kids (Lee Know)
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"W-what?"

"I mean it," Chan looked at me with pleading eyes. He seemed desperate, the yearning look of a man waiting for those three words to be reciprocated, "I love you."

My mind was racing at a million miles an hour, my heart thumping in my chest. I felt so distant but so present at the same time. Butterflies erupted in my stomach and fireworks exploded in my head.

"Chan-," I croaked, not even realising the tears spilling from my eyes with pure joy. For the first time in a year, the most genuine smile stretched across my face.

Chan's shoulders visibly relaxed, matching my smile as a small laugh left his lips through his tears. It was almost like a weight was lifted from him, as if he were burdened with such intense emotions, it was causing him to crack.

"Please, come back to Seoul. Please stay with me," the blonde boy pleaded, his eyes big as he clasped my hand.

My Cheshire Cat smile quickly faded as his words dragged me back to reality. Chan was asking me to leave the comfort of Sydney to the chaos that was Seoul. The place where I ruined friendships, a relationship and felt so out of control.

Chan's expression quickly mimicked mine, anxiety coating his face as he apprehended my words. My mouth faltered to speak, gawping like a goldfish. It took me a moment to mustered the sentence I wanted to speak.

"I-I don't think I'm ready," I merely whispered, watching how my words let Chan down. His gaze casted to the ground, the colour leaving his cheeks. He looked as though he was hit with a bullet to the chest.

He sadly asked, "So you'll never come back?"

I sighed, my hands shaking so I withdrew them from his, tucking my own under my thighs between the bench to control the jitters.

"I don't know," I said, staring into nothingness.

"Not for me?" Chan rasped, "Not for Felix?"

His voice was breaking and I couldn't bare to look at him. It would only make my heart bleed more.

I was stuck between a rock and a hard place. Go back to Seoul and be with Chan and Felix but face the music where I was assaulted and I ruined my relationship with Minho. Or, stay in Sydney and bumble through my boring but comfortable life. Miss out being with the boy I loved and my brother, or struggle in an environment I have no control in. Which one was worse?

I timidly shook my head, partly hoping maybe Chan wouldn't see or he'd tell me everything was okay and he had a solution for everything.

"I'm sorry," I began to silently weep, elbows on my knees with my face in my hands. I sobbed into my hands, tears filtering through my fingers.

I was guilt-ridden. Everything I came in contact with fell apart. My family, my relationships, my jobs, being with the one I love. Everything turned to dust in my hands.

After a few moment, a penitent Chan got up from the chair and I heard his footsteps walk away to the house. I didn't blame him. If I were him, I wouldn't want to be near me either. I was selfish, I was an downright idiot. God knows why he would confess his love to me, I couldn't even return those three little words.

The Australian night became cold and began to nip at my skin. A shiver ran down my spine as my tears dried up and I thought to go back inside the house to not catch a cold. But why would it matter anyway? I deserved more awful things than just a little cold.

However, I eventually picked up my heavy body and sauntered back into the house and up the polished wooden stairs to my bedroom. I only just managed to change myself into my pyjamas and flop down on my bed before my energy meter finally ran dry. It felt as though I led there for a thousand years before my mind finally switched off and I was pulled into sleep.

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A/N: short filler chapter before the juicy one comes next uwu