Willing to You

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

[UMIKA]

I was about to turn off the lampshades light when Iael suddenly spoke.

"Mommy, why is Kuya Iael here po in our house?" tanong nito sa maliit na boses ngunit ngumiti lamang ako ng kimi rito.

"Baby, it's late matulog ka na muna ha? Then bukas tayo mag-uusap." Umiling-iling naman ito sa aking sinabi.

"But mommy, why was he saying po na he's my daddy? Di-Diba po may papa na ako sabi mo?" sabi niya na nagpabigla sa akin dahil naalala niya pa pala ang aking sinabi noon.

I sighed deeply dahil mukhang wala akong kawala sa tanong ng batang ito. It's great to know na he's curious about what's happening around his surrounding pero lubos din akong nababahala rito.

I stared at him lovingly while thinking. Kung sasabihin ko sa kanya ang totoo ay baka mabigla ito at maaaring magalit sa akin dahil inilayo ko siya nang napakhabang panahon ngunit gayun din ay ayoko namang mangapa ito sa dilim.

I don't want to hurt him. I don't want to hurt my son, hindi bale nang ako lang ang masaktan. Wag lamang ang anak ko.

I've decided to not say it muna sa kaniya sa ngayon. Hindi pa siya handa.

Hindi pa ako handa.

I caressed his cheeks lightly.

"'Nak, bukas na lang. Sleep na muna, please."

When he saw my pleading stare he nodded solemnly and closed his eyes.

I waited for atleast two minutes before getting out of the room.

Closing the door gently ay saliwa naman sa puso kong nagsimula na namang dumagundong knowing na nasa iisa lamang kaming bubong ni Lael Shawn.

I took a deep breath before letting go the door knob and walked to the sala.

I saw the figure of him sitting on my sofa. What a sight. Kung ako si Umika dati ay baka nagtatalon na ako sa tuwa dahil ang isang Lael Shawn ay nasa loob ng aking pamamahay. I mean, could you believe that?

Agad na tumunghay si Lael Shawn nang maramdaman ang aking presensiya.

His eyes were bloodshot because of the unshed tears and anger probably towards what he just saw and thought that he found out and me, of course.

Umiwas lamang ako ng tingin dahil hindi ko kaya sabayan ang kanyang titig kaya naman napadako ang aking tingin sa kanyang kamaong namumula dahil sa pagkaipit kanina sa gate.

"G-Gamutin natin yan." I said rather shakily.

His presence was too much too bear, before and even now kaya naman labis pa rin ang tibok ng aking puso na tila ba may humahabol ditto.

Instead of answering, I heard his mocking laugh.

"Really, Vallesteros? That's your concern now?" I can feel the venom of his words na lalong nagpakaba sa akin dahil nais ko sanang iwasan ang usaping ito kung kinakailangan ngunit wala na ata akong kawala ngayon.

I replied him my silence na nagpaani sa kaniya ng mahinang mura.

"How dare you? You disappeared before and now you're acting like nothing happened? Na wala kang dapat ipaliwanag?" He said.

Ang kapal naman ng mukha niya. Hindi niya ba naalalang siya yung nagtaboy sa akin paalis noon?

I looked at him with a tear in my eyes ngunit I don't think na kaya ko ring magsalita nang hindi nanginginig kaya naman lumakad ako papunta sa kusina while wiping my tears.

Gagamutin ko lang yung kamao niya tapos paaalisin ko na siya. Walang mangyayaring kung ano today dahil hindi ko na siya hahayaan. I kept repeating this on my head na tila ba isang malupit na plano na maaaring magsalba sa akin at sa aking anak.

I was opening the refrigerator to get some ice nang maramdaman kong sumunod ito.

"So, you're gonna pretend all night that nothing happened today? Huh, Vallesteros?"

Ibinalot ko ang mga ice cubes sa isang towel at nang matapos ay tiningnan ko siya sa may bukana ng kusina.

"Hindi mo siya anak." I said to him firmly.

Umiling-iling ito na tila ba natatawa ngunit hindi masaya sa aking sinabi.

"I fucked you five years ago." I winced at the term he used. Ganoon lang ba ang tingin niya sa nangyari noon?

It was one of the most special encounters that I had with him tapos he just coined it like that?

I don't know if he noticed my brimming tears ngunit nagpatuloy lamang ito sa kanyang mga sinasabi.

"You were desperate for me before at hindi na ako magugulat kung may nabuo man. Balak mo naman ba akong pikutin ngayon ha, Vallesteros? Is that it?" Umiling-iling ako sa kaniyang mga sinabi.

I held tight the towel like it was my lifeline while sobbing quietly but instead of answering him ay kinuha ko ang kamay niyang namamaga.

Hindi ko pa man ito nahahawakan when he shoved me on the nearest wall, pinning me to it while my hands were above my head na tila ba ginapos niya gamit ang kaniya.

I was about to shoo him away when I felt his lips on mine; kissing me─no, it was like he was punishing me with his lips that I almost tasted blood. He bit my bottom lip that made my mouth opened kaya naman he inserted his tongue with mine. I wasn't answering his kisses kaya naman bumaba ang kanyang halik sa aking panga; nipping it rather harshly. Bumaba pa ang kaniyang halik sa aking leeg which he sucked roughly and even bit it which I knew that may possibly leave a hickey tomorrow.

I moaned quietly but when I realized what I did na tila ba nasasarapan pa ako sa kaniyang mga kahayupang ginagawa sa akin ay nararamdaman ko ang pagkamuhi ko sa aking sarili.

No, this should not happen. Not again.

I cried silently dahil ayokong magising ang aking anak at baka makita pa niya ang kung anumang kahangalan ang nangyayari ngayon.

I pushed him lightly at gayon na lamang ang aking piping pasasalamat nang nagpaubaya ito.

He was breathing heavily nang humiwalay siya sa akin at tinitigan ang aking mga matang may luha, for a second I thought I saw his vulnerable expression but it disappeared in a blink of an eye. Ang tanging nasasalamin na lamag sa kaniyang mukha ngayon ay pagkamuhi.

"You will move my son with me." He said firmly while giving me hard look ngunit umiling-iling ako na tila ba nagising sa kanyang sinabi.

"No, Lael Shawn. No one's moving with you dahil hindi mo siya anak." What I said probably infuriated him kaya naman binitawan nito ang pagkakagapos sa akin at matigas na hinawakan ang aking mga panga na nagpabigla sa akin.

It made me whimper with pain kaya naman pinilit ko kumawala rito.

"You are moving with me whether you like it or not and you will stop with your bullshit that he is not my son. Or else..."

I mustered all my strength to pushed him which I did kaya naman nagkaroon nang distansiya sa pagitan namin.

"Or else what?" I challenged him kahit pa halos himatayin na ako sa aking kaba.

"Or else ilalayo ko siya sa'yo." What he said made my knees buckled kaya naman napaupo ako sa sahig sa sobrang panghihina.

"No, please. N-No...d-don't, I can't lose my son. Please..." I cried to him but he just looked at me with resolved expression before he walked out of the door and my house.

Tanging impit na paghagulgol ko na lamang ang maririnig sa aking tahanan, dreading of what he said.

I can't bear to lose my son. My lifeline.