Only you

Chapter 45 | Affectionate

"I'm leaving New York when we return" I blurted out quietly.

I needed to get the words out or else I would've changed my mind.

My gaze flitted up to Julian. The first person I wanted to look at. The only person my eyes could find. I made eye contact with him. Brown bright eyes. Wet hair falling onto his forehead and almost covering his eyes. Black dress shirt stuck to his muscled skin.

My heart beating frantically in my chest, palms sweaty as I stared at him. Maybe I should re think-

"Why?" He asked after a moment. He just simply stared at me. Expression blank so I couldn't read it, but there was something in his eyes as he stared at me. Something I've never seen before and it almost made me want to take my words back.

But I couldn't. I needed to leave.

"It'll be best for me" I said quietly. If I rose my voice anymore I would be afraid they could hear the hesitation and regret. That and the fact that my throat was sore from crying so much last night.

I still felt the heart break in my chest from yesterday. Like it never and will never go away. It was like the loss and grieve amplified and it made me feel so much worse. I wonder what they would think if I told them I regretted killing Aldrik.

Not because I missed his presence. Never that. But if he was still alive I would have someone to be angry at still. Now I couldn't be angry at anyone; now I would only feel what I've put in the back of my heart all these years. I replaced my sadness for the people I've lost with anger and it always made it so much better. Now I had no other choice but to feel.

And I hated fucking feeling.

I could feel my throat start to close in again as I tried to keep my tears at bay. I was still holding eye contact with Julian, his eyes softened and I had to look away. He always fucking saw right through me.

"Are you sure that will be good for you?" Jose asked. I looked at him as he sat next to Mateo and both of the looks on their faces made the weight on my chest even more heavier.

I hated that I had to leave them after all they had done for me these past six years.

"I need to start over. New. After all I never really had anything that was mine" I uttered.

"Do you want us to come with you?" Mateo asked.

"No" I said quickly. But I regretted it once the word left my mouth because both of their facial expressions dropped.

"I don't want to take you guys away from New York. We can always talk but I should go alone. I'm sure Julian could give you both jobs" I suggested. I knew Julian liked their presence and he did already give them jobs a while back. I'm sure they could still keep them.

"What about the rest of the Russians?" Christan asked. I looked at him, his gaze too was shocked and a little worried.

"You guys can deal with them" I said as I occasionally glanced at Julian. My eyes couldn't help but look at him. See his every reaction.