Only you

Chapter 48 | Only him

Seven months later

I sat in the corner of the small cafe, relishing the smell of coffee beans and fresh bread. Like I always did every week. My computer sitting in front of me with my latest designs. My honey tea sitting beside it.

It was around nine o'clock in the morning and wasn't ever busy in the cafe at this time. Which I enjoyed the best when it was quiet. The cafe had color crème walls with paintings of flowers and butterflies. The tile was black and white and plants laid on every table and hung on the corners of the walls. It was simple in here and I loved the simplicity. It was peaceful and often relaxed me from stress.

I was trying to decide the best color for the cabinets in the new house I was designing, but it seemed like I couldn't get my thoughts together. Alyssa had called me today and begged I get a plane ticket to visit. She delivered her first baby boy Eliam seven months ago and I still hadn't gone to see the baby.

I felt guilty for not showing up, but I was busy at the time. The excuse I had been saying to everyone, even if I knew it was a lie.

When the real reason was because I didn't want to see Julian.

Almost a year since I've saw any of them. I was doing better now and I was afraid if I went back it would uplift memories I didn't want to remember. And most importantly I knew when I went I would want to stay. I spent a year loving someone I couldn't see. A year with just ten minute phone calls and occasional phone sex. Calls I've been ignoring this past month from Julian.

Even if words couldn't describe how much I missed him. And I knew he missed me too but yet he never pushed me to go see him or him to come to me and I appreciated him for that. I was starting to grow anxious though because I did want to go. I wanted to see Julian and the guys especially Mateo and Jose. I wanted to see Eliam who've I only saw photos of.

I didn't mind going back but I've been doing good here. My panic attacks went to a minimum and I felt like a normal human being. I didn't feel angry all the time and slowly I was healing. I don't think I could ever be healed completely. I've simply lost too much to be healed. I'd always have scars and a deep past that would always hunt me. I'd still feel that deep longing in my chest for the people I've lost. I've made peace with my demons and made peace with the past.

But it didn't matter if I was healed or not. I was somewhat happy and that was all that mattered.

But there was something else missing in my life.

Someone.

I jumped at the sudden rough voice to my right.