MY LIFE (BLOG)

BLOG#7

Mention of DEATH, SELF HARM AND EATING DISORDER.

26/12/2021

Well to start off there was a lot of things going in my life.

Have you ever felt lonely. Like there's so much taking care of you, loves you and is always there for you but still you feel alone. Like everyone hates you and no one is there for you even though in reality there are so many. In my previous blogs I have mentioned about my friends and they are nice. But still they have there own things going on.

Considering they can do everything they want to I mean not everything but being able to do things I'd love to do but I am restricted in away to do I have to admit I envy my friends.

Still I feel so lonely even though when I talk and chat with my friends I feel happy and reassured. But when I am alone I just feel insecure about few things; like I'm not good enough to be their friends and they deserve better.
Because there very talented and outgoing and there's a lot of things they are individually good at and I feel like I am nothing next to them. 

So I just feel really insecure and alone but I have no idea what I am supposed to do.

And these days I feel like I am actually going crazy and I feel like a psycho. And amidst it I am having the worst mood swings in my life. 

Like I really want to die but the only things are keeping me alive are the facts that,
1.My friends needs me in their life and my promise to never to leave them,
2.My parents, my whole family including my relatives wouldn't bear the pain the eldest daughter died and they adore me a lot,
3.My siblings and my younger cousins siblings in our neighborhood .They adore and loves me so much and look up to me so I'll be feeling guilty if I leave them a memory of my death for them in their young age.

But still if one day these 3 main reasons runout I hope by then I would have found a reason connected to myself to live not to someone else.

These 3 reasons might feel like such a small things to some but to me these reasons gives me motivation and more energy to live basically survive this life. I mean my life is great. I have a great family, friends that gives me everything including freedom but I just don't have the chance to accomplish my dream, my passion which is dancing and dancing.

There are people who have fake friends ,uncaring and judging family while even though sometimes my   and relatives does hurt me it's not hurtful as others and i guess that hurting is for the better.

But then again I am here to remind everyone lets go and face our problems, even though it's not easy as anyone think. Even if you fail in the end you could say you did your best and gave all you had.

29/12/2021

You know I want to make my parents proud. Not only them but almost everyone around me who cares for me as a gratitude for being there for me. The thing is  I have to make them proud I'd have to score good marks, maybe be winning 1st in a chess tournament like that sure I could do other things but they'd be more impressed with these.

But however I don't think I'll be able to do that in the same way because being interest in something and ding something with the passion is not easy at all for me.

I really want to make them proud by doing something I love to do rather than doing something I am just doing considering my responsibility mean dancing and singing is something I want achieve to make everyone proud.

Don't you think when you do something you love you'll be happy. Even if you lose you will surely be disappointed and go hard on yourself but still you will be doing something that makes you happy and you love. I don't know about others no matter how much hardships I have to go through I'll be through it so I can do the thing I love.