MY LIFE (BLOG)

BLOG#18

23/02/2023

So far, this year hasn't been that bad, of course you know, even after my knee injury. I really want to like start studying but I just don't remember what I study. And because of the sports meet practices in school there isn't much work done in school. And we had a spend the day at TJ's house on her birthday.

I haven't been active at all in writing. I really genuinely want to do so many things, but I just feel stuck. Though it's true that I don't spend much time on screen compared to before but the sad things I don't read much as I previously did as well.
Sad because reading storied made it a lot easier for me to express my emotions and be in tune with them. And looking back everything starts going back to the same timeline. September of last year was...well something. But mainly I started feeling like this in June.

I feel very confused as to what's there in front of me. I seriously feel happy that I have friends and I did make new friends in the end of last year and I feel so happy when they treat me as their friend.

But of course, with my great trust issues it was hard at first to believe that I'll have a long, deep friendship with them. Then with time I was just so happy to have them. I really want to be friends with them for life. Sure, I'll and even they'll make new friends. But I want these friendships to be special.

My new class is also fine, and I am interacting with people, but it won't really be easy for me to be comfortable and trust them though which will/is sad at some point. And some of my classmates do really do questionable things as well.

But yeah, so far so good. It'll start getting bad at some point.  Negativity for you since too much positivity is not good. Kidding...

08/07/2023

it's been so long since I have written something genuine hear, how are you doing? I am fine. I feel much more relaxed and calmer than what I've felt for a long time. I am getting much more comfortable in my class as well.

I think I am accepting what's in my life and letting go of the unnecessary parts of my past and life and I really have no idea what to feel about it. A part of me is happy but the other part is scared because I have no idea if I have actually let go and accepted things or if this is just an illusion. I realized that I really don't remember anything related how and what and why I felt like that all those years back. Honestly with time I hope I get better and do my best.

And it has been quite a while since I started stanning Stary Kids as well. They are so amazing, and I sort of did try to resist them and not to make them one of my ults but now it seems that Stray Kids are joining both OHMYGIRL and BTS. It's fun and exciting to start being a fan of a new group.

Once you try and take the courage to take the next step even if the path is unclear, you will still get rewarded for it because don't think yourself unlucky all the time. When good thing happens accept it and appreciate it as well.

05/11/2023

Wow, time sure has flown by, hasn't it? It has been super long since I updated and throughout this time a lot of things happened. Like A LOT in my life. But the thing is even if we are almost more than 1 month away from this year's ending, I still have no idea where I stand... I'm curious whether I have improved or become worser than how I was before. Or am I still in the same place?

All these questions drive me crazy as well as my loneliness. It's not that I really chose it but it's tempting to be alone. At some point it got really worse but I'm trying to improve myself and be more social, like how I used to be, I guess? Because I rarely talk to people unless they talk to me first.

A part of me likes how I feel now. Nothing. I feel absolutely nothing. and it's peaceful but then it's tiring. Even though I don't want to pretend any emotion in front of others, it just has become so natural that I do them unconsciously and later regret it. I really hate it. Why?

Because the words I utter sounds like a lie. MY voice, the emotions and the feelings I have in it sounds fake. Because even if others don't notice I do.  And I am always left dumbfounded of my own actions in the end.

Actually, nothing seems to work these days. I am so forgetful these days it's hard to even do anything with remembering stuff. I was supposed to write this speech about myself but ended up realizing I don't remember half of my life which I have lived so far and all I remembered were the sad and the bad things that happened to me. They are too engraved in mind.

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No matter how hard things get let's promise ourselves that we'll see it through. We have gone too far, done too much to give up now. Let's make this journey worth it because I feel like if I give up now, I'll disappointed in myself.

So, let's do this so we can be proud of ourselves.

(And give a listen to the song attached at the start of this. It's one of my favorites and thanks to that song I was able come this far into the year,
Levanter-SKZ)

TAKE CARE.
BYE<3