MY LIFE (BLOG)

BLOG#14

08/07/2022

I honestly have no idea what I want to say but I have been curious about something and that's "Good/Bad".

Like we have to realize according to different people the way they see 'good' and 'bad' is different. So, I am curious when different people tell us to do the right thing or do what's good for you but it's not the right thing as they show it to you.

We have our own reasoning for good/ right/ bad/ wrong things, and we need to be aware. When someone gives you, advice don't ignore it but don't take the advice for the sake for it. Think about it and relate yourself, find the reason and figure out the meaning the person who gave you the advice told you (the advice you got). And it's up to you to decide if you are taking the advice or not. But we have to remember you'll have to face the consequence of every action and decision you make. If you do something that someone close to you gets worried and doesn't approve think about it. They might say it for a reason and one thing you are also doing to for your own personal reasoning.

Simplest things in our life affects us more than we like and would have to accept. But for how long are you going to be ignoring. I am honestly telling this not only as a person who gives advice to others but also as a person who gets different disapprovals in away.

Depending on the situation and circumstances the choice of good and bad theme differs. So, you can't always pick good. Before choosing to be mindful and resonate with the surroundings.

One thing this world expect and thrive for is perfection. And honestly, personally, I don't want perfect. Sure, doing my best and to excel in certain things are there. But no matter how much it is I don't want perfect. I actually find myself pushing myself mentally and comparing myself subconsciously and I always remind myself that I might compare myself to someone, but another could be admiring how I am. The thing is I used to do this very frequently in the past so in the present I do it with myself not being aware.

There is so many people including myself that fears to make mistakes, but I am learning things that in fact I should make mistakes and learn from them. If we keep waiting and choosing the right answer what's the point? We need and it's fine to make mistakes and take bad decisions. We tent to make those moment such a humiliation to ourselves, but we could make it a learning point as a start. Learn from it, be proud of your scars, be confident in yourself and believe in yourself. It's hard to immediately do it. You should eventually slowly let yourself make mistakes and learn. Take control of yourself when needed. let yourself be free.

And when I say to make mistake, don't intentionally do it. When you tend to make decisions, you know what you want. Knowing that if the decision you are going to make is wrong or bad it's up to you yet again to choose which path you are going to follow. Just as you need to be responsible for your actions, make sure you keep yourself fine. Taking care of yourself is not being selfish. Just as you look out for others treat yourself as well. Yeah, let's make mistakes, fall, get injured, slowly heal and continue our journey.

31/07/2023

Triggering something means in my point of view is forcing or making an emotion, feeling or generally something (a memory) you are hiding (burying) coming to surface. And those things could be positive or negative according to you. In one sense I realized I could get triggered from the most unexpected things as well as the smallest thing. And what it triggers doesn't always has to bring me sadness.

So, what made me see this through is I kinda, I don't know, felt a longing after something I read in the end of June, and I thought that maybe something triggered me, but I thought since I am not exactly in emotional pain and depressed, I wasn't triggered. And I don't know what I felt through that time. I felt like i had this very big longing and urge for something but not clear exactly what.
I felt like I was running ahead of time. Like I wasn't behind time neither beside time but i was running ahead leaving the time and reality behind. And that's how I felt. I was not physically running but my mind and soul was. And it was very tiring and exhausting.

I had online classes for 6 hours from 7.30 am in the morning, then I had to complete assignments and even homework all together withing the day. And then there was the worry of tests. I just don't study and it's not right but just when there's so much in your mind how can you possibly do it.
So even though physically I didn't do anything, by the end of the day I was pretty exhausted. But with few days passing by I slowly got back into a normal pace and timings even though I was still stressed and tired with my schoolwork.

And with the time passing by I didn't exactly ignore my thoughts or something, but I realized that something in me was actually triggered. Because even though I slowly stopped with the time rushing feelings there were other thoughts that in fact was hiding beneath my overall feelings. And day by day it was fueling and growing. And I didn't tell any of my friends well because...they were also involved in those thoughts.

I have different sides or personalities in away. So, depending mainly my mood or situation I act differently and it's something that just naturally comes to me, but I do know how to have control as well. If mainly taken I have 4 sides.
1. The soft/quiet girl 2. Funny/loud girl 3. Flirty (kinda bratty?) girl 4. Evil/cruel girl and there are some more ways and various small traits involved in those four as well. And by the end of the day those all are me. I am in my sense and very aware at my actions and words so that's (collectively) who I am. My thoughts of certain things and sometimes the way I view things change (though nothing negatively). So, I try not to chat in some ways otherwise people around could end up being confused. So, from that there's a specifically things I've hidden from everyone. I have told my friends I act depending on my own self, but they don't obviously know those sides deeply. I have only shown the surface of those sides and those were the things that got triggered. And in many ways my friends are also involved in thoughts circulating my triggering's. It's just complicated altogether. For one thing I am not over those thoughts, they are still lingering behind my back since I have been focusing on at least studying a bit for my upcoming exams. Honestly, I know one thing is certain for sure, the day I fully become happy and relieved is the day I let myself free from all these things that I have built around myself so no one could figure me out. Well at least nit the easily. And even though it feels weird to say this, I really look forward to the days I will freely be myself in all ways without hesitation and worry. there will be hardships and struggles but I hope my determination to be happy will be enough to walk through it and reach my goal.

I might be expecting too much but at the moment I don't care because just as I make others happy, I also should be happy and treated with the same care I deserve. And I will definitely achieve and prove that I deserve the best as well as others.

__________________________________________________________

Of course, I know nothing will happen overnight and it's going to take time and I really hope that the time we take to believe and trust ourselves will be worth the time.

because even as I am typing this, I can come up with various excuses so I could just go back to my slump, and I feel like I would actually end up going back to moping around and not do anything about it.

But hope everything works out for yall at least.

TAKE CARE,
BYE.