MY LIFE (BLOG)

BLOG#10

Mention of anxiety and self-harming!

15/02/2022

Well, I have been reading this book in Wattpad and it was really worth reading. And I'll explain why I suddenly and randomly started talking about this. I am not sure if anyone want to read it, but I am going to write it. So don't except a lot from this. And I won't mind no one reading this.
So, I'll start writing this next from the beginning

02/03/2022

From October and November 2021, I have been feeling numb. Like I was just existing without feeling any emotions, especially when I am alone. When I actually feel any emotion, I felt like I had to force it out. I can't say exactly say I wasn't happy through that time but that was only when I distracted myself or when I talked with my friends. But that happiness was temporary, not a long-lasting feeling. But I just let it pass through thinking it's just something small and nothing serious. And in November I had our last term exams, so I ignored these feelings and emotions and studied.

I am not sure if I mentioned but on 5th of December last year, me and my sister accidentally broke my grandfather's laptop screen. And obviously me and my sister got scolded. And I didn't actually get good marks from my test. I only got above 90% for few subjects. So, when my father scolded, he said that I am a grown and I should be more responsible. I don't know why but I felt really hurt and sad for one reason. I mean one of the problems or more like a fear I have is that I'll fail and disappoint others. And I felt really bad for what happened

I know taking care of their child is one of the responsibilities parents have to bear and I am so grateful for them for them that I also want to give them something to make them happy.

So, after what happened after some time, I started ignoring the self-pettiness I had for myself, my disappointment and the sadness I had for myself and tried my best to be happy. That's another mistake I did by burying my emotions.

And then on the 31st of December I read a book that contained self-harm, which was not my first-time reading a book regarding that book, but every time I read was before October. And reading this book I realized how much I wanted to do that to myself and when I realized what I was feeling I immediately stop reading for the day and went to prepare myself for bed. But even then, my thoughts were all over the place. And once I was on the bed, I had this sudden urge to cut myself, just anything to take my mind off the things going in my mind.

But I tried to remind myself something that could ground me, and I got reminded of a conversation I had with my best friend and (Ensis) another friend of mine when I called them separately. So, with that I was able to calm myself slowly, but I still felt restless, so I wrote what I felt in my diary and after a while I slept.

But after that I did the mistake again

 The mistake of ignoring those sad, disappointing, anger and all the other emotions that made me feel negative about myself. The school year just started, and I wanted to at least try focusing it. So, I thought I was fine until my mental health and emotional health started getting worse without me even knowing. I never faced those emotions, problems so it only kept growing. And because of that I distracted myself.

My school started and every morning I'd be dreading with those feelings in my mind but just as I would enter my classroom, I get distracted from classmates. Yeah, so I went to school to distract myself. Then I read, listened to songs and dance as well once I was home. I talked to my friends as well and it just became a cycle that repeated every single day. And I feel guilty sometimes when I feel like I am using my friends as a distraction.

Everything was going fine like this until February when we got holidays for the O/L exams happening and we had online classes. So, I really didn't have my classes as a distraction which left me with dancing, singing and reading but it didn't help me much though reading was an exception. But since I couldn't physically strain myself a lot I only did dancing rarely, and I read and listen to songs a lot. but then again it didn't really help me with my addiction to screens.

And I haven't even realized honestly, I was distracting myself since it felt so normal for me to do things in the computer and just ignore my feelings every day. And I have buried my emotions within the process.

My father gave me a time limit to listen to songs seeing how much time I spent listening to songs, which was the whole day, and to reduce the time I was spending on the laptop. And that's when I started reading that book, I randomly mentioned and when I started it wasn't expecting anything serious but DAMN, I was so wrong about that.

That book literally broke through me.

I related to both the main characters of the story especially to one of them. (The only difference between that character and I was that I was not "millionaire" type rich, I had nicer? friends and parents). And his side of the story resembled me so much it actually scared me. 

The reason is that,
All the emotions I had no idea I buried down in me had been resurfaced and triggered me (the writer had put warnings). I was crying from the very first chapter. One thing after another all the things I kept hidden from my own self came light and it was too much for me. 

I took a small break from the story to figure myself pot and calm myself.

My panic and anxiety attacks became worse. Just because I hid my emotions, I didn't always had control over them. I slowly took time to think what happened and why exactly I buried and ignored my emotions, and I was able to cope with myself.

(I told my best friend about what happened, and she reassure me in the way she can).

But even with my friend's comforting words it was still physically, mentally and emotionally straining for me sometimes. I sometimes wanted to give up not caring about anything and just end it. If someone said I am going to die, I would be more than happy.

Although what stopped me was that losing me could cause pain to the people that really cared for and took care of me, and I didn't want to give that pain when they have given me love. I am really close to them and I wouldn't want to lose any of them, and I just didn't want them to feel that pain when I understood how painful that is.

Recently I have been pressuring my brain too much and stressing myself a lot. And I know it's not good nor healthy. And because of that my sleeping routine is a mess and my head hurts a lot when I am awake.

I did realize I was just living for others and not myself. But after reading that book, I got hope that someday, even if it's not now, I'll be able to heal myself. I'll be free from my own self. I'll be able to be happy.

Life doesn't always go smooth. Life brings us challenges and we have to face them and go on with our lives. I am still not ready to face myself yet. I need time because when I start this battle against myself, I won't be able step back until I meet the end of it.

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I know that this was a lot about me. But I hope you can get to know me a little through this and remember to just hold in tight. It's not going to be easy, but we can at least try, can't we?

All we can do is hope.

I know when our hope for something gets shattered it's a very saddening and a disappointing feeling, but we shouldn't let ourselves be shadowed to those thoughts. A lot of people can only hope and try. Every person's story is different so we can't always compare ourselves to others ^o^.

TAKE CARE,
BYE.