MY LIFE (BLOG)

BLOG#8

!!!WARNING!!!

This Blog hold different topics (injustice, betrayal, judging, death) and if you are uncomfortable you are free to leave.

And in the end of the Blog I have mentioned a note my friend wrote about me in my book and I thought to put it cause I love notes like that about myself.( In other words I love to know how other people think of me).^_^

18/01/2022

In this world lot of people LIVE. No matter how hard their life's are they try to live. But for me it's not the same. I SURVIVE and try to survive in this life without giving up and not choosing ending everything ones and for all. I really want to live but it just seems impossible for some reason!!

Well you see my grade fell bad after I got in to K-pop more specifically BTS and OHMYGIRL. And my parents are blaming them for it including me. It's my fault that I don't get good marks. I found true happiness (something I haven't felt in a lot of days) when I go to know BTS and OHMYGIRL. And I want to get my grades up to where they were and show them that me watching them is not a fault. But I know I am addicted not to them just for the happiness I get from them and being a part of the fandom. It's feels nice and very comforting just to interact with people in social media and it's a very good escape place when I am stressed to calm down. ( it might sound weird for some but that's who I am) .

However yesterday night one of my family members joked that he'll upload a picture of when I was young to a BTS fan page and say "before getting into BTS was a bright student but now just a person who sits on the chair". And it was joke and I don't mind them uploading picture ( it's normal for us to) but I was just feeling good about myself and they comparing me to my grade from the past and the present somehow hurted me even though it was supposed to be harmless joke. And I have been crying because of these things and now I don't have tears left to cry and my insecurities are rising.

I have always given advice to my friends about every worry they had but now I am the one who's needing advice and there is just no comfort. I always know that when you give advice to someone you should also take it in to your account in life but currently it's HARD. I am basically in away fighting myself ,my wanting's , my dreams, my mind and simply me against myself. My will to actually live for myself almost doesn't exist anymore. The will to live is there because of the people close to me. I don't want to hurt anyone .Otherwise I won't think twice to hurt anyone but I don't

And there are things I hate in my life mainly,

1.INJUSTICE
I really hate when people discriminate and compare people. I know that there is some class and status in this society and the person in the other hand could be wrong but still you need to know your limit in meddling in someone's life.
And I always like it when people play fair. Sure it's ok to play around a little but when it come to serious things you need to give respect to the fairness.

2.BETRAYALS
I mean that's something I really hate. For one thing you can be betrayed by someone who counts on you and trust you. And you can get betrayed by people who you trust or truly care. But there are times you do get betrayed by strangers too in some way. I it affect some people more than you would think and as a person who has gone through betrayal and how it had affected my life and my present I hate when people betray others.
If some day I betray some one I would probably hate my self more than I would show.

3.JUDGING
Well...isn't this very common in this society. Everyone at least once had gone through being judged by someone. And I know that you can't escape from being judged since what ever road and corner you'll turn to there'll be at least one person judging you. But I still just hope for one day people wouldn't be too cruel like that.
Because judging someone affect them more than we think. When we get judged we think or we know that it doesn't affect us but it does affect us even a little. We subconsciously; most of the times we tend to doubt ourselves and we wouldn't notice. Being judged has no scales. The way people judge is different. They imply directly , indirectly and sometimes as a remark or a joke.
I have never been judged openly I mean for the most part but I have been judged in other ways and it have and is still affecting in some ways.
We have to be strong willed to not fall before those judging eyes and words. It's like a battle against our own self .Why? Because we have an opinion and or a preference and when they starts judging and doesn't approve we start to doubt our own opinions our own decisions.
In life when we do something we want to do but someone says not to do because it's not good to you and gives you advice you need to think if it is actually good or not good for yourself. Just because people(even if it is close people) give advice and tells you to not do ,you shouldn't stop for the sake of it. Think about it. And you decide, if it is good for you, you could continue. And if it's bad... then it's up tp you to decide if you continue or not since you already know it's bad. Because one thing for sure no one knows you better than yourself.