MY LIFE (BLOG)

BLOG#15

30/08/2022

I cried during when I was doing one of my exam papers in school. Not a nice way to start this but I just couldn't control what I felt and cried, silently.

My exams started and even though I promised I would study I didn't until before the day and I just felt really guilty and disappointed because I knew I could have done better but I failed. And most of my marks are low event though all of them are above 50 out of 100. This time a lot of my classmates' marks are low, and I feel that this time I was the most stressed I ever have been. I didn't attend three subjects because I got sick and a headache (and my parents were kind enough this time to let me stay at home). I feel like I am the person that brings pressure on my own self sometimes.

I just don't feel happy no matter how much I try. Even when I smile and laugh and be happy, relieved and relaxed when I watch anything in social media there's a part of me that worries and shouts and cry in the back and I am on the edge because of that.
It's one of the most hurtful things because this time I honestly don't know what's happening or I just don't even want to know. I have not written for about one month and I really want to go back to writing more, but it just doesn't feel right.
Maybe I am just done with things and tired of everything wondering when I am going to see the ends of it.

I sometimes want to be reckless, irresponsible, emotional, cold hearted but I don't feel free to be that since almost everyone around me has known me as the nice, kind, mature friend/person and I always want to live up for that image everyone has of me.

And it's tiring to be surrounded with all that. Even when I breath I feel I am carrying so many things above me and it suffocated me sometimes. I just really want to get rid of this feeling because I just really envy the people around me that even if it's for a moment, they are able to be free with their emotions.

No matter what I do I just feel like I am trapped in a box without an opening to it. I wish I could speak freely about it but even while speaking my thoughts I'll feel conscious. I am not physically in pain not even mentally but I'm just emotional. My thoughts hurt, my heart hurts, my feelings hurt, everything just HURTS?!

And no matter what, I always knew even if it's a little what I could do to get better but today I am seriously clueless. Everything feels so close yet so far away. Even while going through social media, I feel guilty, but I just can't honestly....
I am always going back to my roots no matter what. No matter how much I move forward and the more I motivate myself the more I feel lonely, hopeless and feels like I am going backward. The questions of 'What if that happened?' or 'What would happen?' affects me time to time though I know I shouldn't let it get it into my head. But it's just not easy to be what I want. It's not easy to let myself free.

30/08/2022

OK maybe I am not that nice and good as I show outside and it's really hard to cover these evil emotions I feel. Not exactly evil but bad and negative and full of hatred. Talking with my friends or with anyone around me wouldn't help considering they are the reason I feel this way.
After my trigger of emotions, I have not fully recovered from it. it seems that my inner anger that I try really hard to suppress had been awoken because I honestly at some point wonder why am I even friends with my friends? Maybe because even though I want to ignore it my friends actually make me feel like that sometimes. It's not that I hate them. I am in fact very grateful for them but sometimes some scars are hard to be forgotten, I guess. I don't hold grudges and I really want to believe that I don't but then again, I tend to surprise my own self sometimes.

Maybe, even though not openly, I should acknowledge my emotions and triggering s towards everyone including myself (even if it's negative)? But then again, it's not exactly easy as anyone would think since I have always thought of my friends positively and sometimes just the mere thought of thinking any other way about them make me feel bad and guilty. But some desires can't be ignored and forgotten and that's in all honesty is making me feel stressed.

And I'll be honest,
I am currently at my school, and I just suddenly felt some things and felt like I was about to just...however that's why I suddenly wrote this (don't mind if it's a little aggressive).

There are times that I feel very connected and grateful for my friends, but it also changes and I'm not sure sometimes how to come in term with it but yeah, I am sorry for feeling this way for my own friends. They have made me want to live but abandon everything at the same time as well. It's in away a duality of my friendship in my point of view. Slowly I'll calm down because they have such a precious place in my heart but it's still vicious. However, let's see how I go with my life and come to term with these thoughts and currently looking at my classroom it's not helping at all.

31/08/2022

This year has brought me a lot of unexpected things and the reason why I was stressed and pressured were because of those events stored in my mind. I mean I really didn't expect to have an exam on my birthday since normally we have holidays but oh well, it has passed, and I can't dwell in it no matter how much I want to.

Maybe if I did something to help myself or maybe in starting of the year, I wouldn't be like this. But then again so far in my life was going good and happy on some aspects so I wasn't ready for the things that are currently occurring in my life.
I maybe should...I don't know I will just be honestly. This time I really don't know what to say or write.

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Please remember to take care yourself and be mindful to acknowledge your emotions.

Breaking through the hard times will be worth it in the end. Don't just say it but actually believe it.

TAKE CARE.
BYE.