Where You Belong

55

"It's taking too long," Derek muttered without looking up. He was still sitting on the cold, hard floor of the hospital hallway, his knees bent up in front of him and his head in his hands.

Mark sighed from beside him and there was a pause as he reached a hand halfway towards his former best friend before he thought better of it and withdrew. "All it means is they're still trying. She's still fighting."

Derek nodded absently, having almost forgotten about Mark's presence. "She was so cold, so blue."

"That means the cold protected her organs."

Mark was good at offering answers in times like these. Although his responses now had much more medical knowledge behind them, his attempts of comfort still mirrored those from almost thirty years ago when he had sat beside Derek on the floor of the New York hospital, waiting for news on his dad. They had been so young then, but Derek still felt himself drawn back to that horrible day.

"Why does this keep happening?" He whispered.

This time Mark did reach across the expanse between them, his hand closing around Derek's upper arm for a long moment. "She's a fighter, Derek," he repeated. "I've barely talked to her at all, but it's obvious that she's been through more than most people. If anyone can fight this, she can."

"She has been through a lot," Derek whispered, tears once again springing to his eyes as he thought back to her revelations the night before. After all the crap she had been through in her life, she deserved to have something to look forward to. She deserved happiness. She didn't deserve this.

His breathing caught and he ran his hands up his face, his fingers tightening painfully in his hair. "She must have been so scared," he whispered, unable to imagine how terrified she must have been. It physically hurt him more than anything else ever had, just to think about what she must have gone through. What she must have felt, thought, experienced. How long had she managed to stay above water? Hell, had she managed to get above water at all after she had fallen? How much pain had she been in? What were her last thoughts? Had she realized what was happening?

"You can't dwell on that, Derek."

"The water was so cold," he continued, barley hearing Mark's words. "It was freezing. And she doesn't swim. And..."

"It's not important now. All that's important is that she's here and-"

"It is important!" Derek hissed. "I knew she couldn't swim. I knew."

"But you got her out of the water," Mark offered, missing Derek's point.

"Not soon enough." He should have realised something was wrong sooner. He should have pushed the little girl harder. He should have kept a closer eye on Meredith. He should have been enough for her. He needed to be enough for her.

"You got her out as soon as you could."

"She doesn't deserve this," Derek found himself whispering, veering off the current topic.

Mark, having spent almost his entire life as Derek's best friend, had no problem following the new tangent of conversation, even with the year long hiatus in their friendship. "No one does."

"No," Derek shook his head. "She really doesn't deserve this. If you knew half the crap she's had to go through in her life..." He trailed off. "She deserves to be happy. She deserves some good. That her last experience could be..." His voice broke and he couldn't speak anymore. A silent sob racked his body. His hands tightened even more on his hair, and he welcomed the pain.

"She knows you love her, Derek," Mark said quietly. "Even if most of her life has sucked, you've made the last year better. That's what counts, Derek. That's what you need to be thinking about."