Where You Belong

62

"Let's get married," Derek said suddenly, cutting Meredith off, and completely destroying he rambling train of thought.

"I...what?" She stammered, trying to process his words.

"Let's get married," he repeated. "Tomorrow. We can go to town hall. Or drive to Vegas. It's what we need, Meredith. It'll make everything better."

Meredith opened her mouth to respond, but no words came out. The words that had first seemed to come out of nowhere were developing aetiologies in her mind. This was where his mind had been when she had been rambling about Alex.

"Come on," he prompted. "We could leave now, drive to Vegas and get married first thing tomorrow morning. What do you say?"

"Meredith," he prompted when she still didn't respond.

"I don't know what to say," escaped her lips in a whisper.

"Just say yes."

She met his eyes, her heart breaking at the wanting behind his gaze. Not the loving or passionate wanting she was so used to seeing in his eyes. This wanting was filled with desperation, enlarging his pupils and darkening his irises from the deep blue that melted her heart to an almost black hue she wasn't familiar with. This wasn't her Derek.

"Come on," he said again, shifting forward so he was only just perching on the edge of the couch, clutching tightly to her hand, as if he were only waiting for the green light from her, and then he'd be up and dragging her to the front door.

"Derek...I..." Meredith was still at a loss. Normal things that happened in a relationship were still unfamiliar to her at times, and she was damned certain this was not the way things were supposed to happen. Not only was she lost, but she felt like she was stranded on an unfamiliar island, unable to find a way home. And Derek was trying to use a boat with a hole in the bottom. And maybe there were sharks.

He shook his head. "No, don't...it's not... Just say yes." His legs stiffened as if he were about to stand, but he remained seated beside her, facing her, staring at her, waiting for an answer.

Waiting for a yes.

And it would be so easy to give it to him. It was such a simple word, just three little letters. She could say it, she could. It would only take a fraction of a second. She could say yes, and then the desperation in his eyes would lessen. And he'd smile. Maybe he'd kiss her before he stood. And then he'd lead her to the door. But they'd have to pack first. There were things they would need. Like clothes and money and ID. Meredith was pretty sure you couldn't get married without ID. They would drive to Vegas and check into a hotel. And he probably wouldn't sleep, because he barely got any sleep these days in their own bed. And then he would wake her first thing in the morning and they'd find a wedding chapel and they'd say I do.

And then he would smile and relax and everything would be okay.

Except everything wouldn't be okay.

Meredith would still have almost died less than a week before. Derek still wouldn't be able to sleep at night. She'd still have a recovery in front of her. He would still be stuck with the memory of her cold, blue and lifeless body in his arms.

She couldn't say yes. Her heart ached because she couldn't say yes. But what was her alternative?

"Derek," she said again, her voice still quiet, but stronger.

He pulled his hand away from hers as if it had burnt him. "You're saying no," he accused, his eyes hardening.

"No," she said immediately, and then winced and shook her head. "That's not what I meant. I'm not saying no."