Where You Belong

125

Meredith bit back a smirk at the surprised expression on Wyatt's face when she showed up early for her first post-Christmas session. She had missed her one scheduled session between Christmas and New Years on account of a major accident on the freeway that kept the ER and OR busy for two days. Wyatt had even called to make sure she was okay after the hard session before Christmas. At the time, Meredith had promised she was okay and would make up the session whenever Wyatt had an opening. This was the first time she had looked towards her session with hope and not dread.

Wyatt had called back with an opening in the morning on New Year's Eve. Meredith had been scheduled off work on New Year's Eve and New Years Day, to make up for having to work Christmas, but had agreed to come in for the session.

"How was your Christmas?" Wyatt asked once they were each settled in their normal spots; Wyatt on the chair and Meredith tucked into the corner of the couch across the coffee table.

"Tiring, but good. I worked Christmas Eve and then was on call over night and worked Christmas day. And then worked Boxing Day. And pretty much every minute since..."

"But it was still good?"

Meredith smiled. "I figured some things out."

Wyatt returned the smile and nodded. "Tell me."

"I became a surgeon for the wrong reasons. I went to medical school and took the residency here to live up to my mother's expectations. But that's not why I'm here now. That's not why I do this. I don't know when it changed, but it did. She died and I'm still a surgeon because I want to be a surgeon. I love being a surgeon. I'm not still trying to live up to any of her expectations."

"That's good."

Meredith nodded. "I get that she started me on this whole looking-for-a-role-model-when-I-feel-out-of-control thing, but that's only sometimes. Most of the time I'm making decisions for myself."

Wyatt made a few notes. "That's very good, Meredith. You seem confident."

"I guess I felt like I had this huge path to climb or whatever, but now I realize that I've already fixed a lot of the damage in the last year and a half. I've already made huge improvements." She'd learned to love and be loved, to trust, to depend and be depended on. She'd learned what it meant to be part of a family, to be a wife, as sister and a friend. "It's just what's left that I need help with."

"Let's talk about what first caused you to look to your mother as a role model..."

Meredith was only slightly disenchanted when she left her session. After her Christmas revelations, she'd gotten it into her head that the progress would be lightning fast now. Unfortunately, that didn't seem to be the case. An hour of discussing her mother's parenting methods and her own childhood feelings hadn't resulted in any new revelations. Still, she was surprised at how much easier it was to talk about her childhood with the therapist now. Derek had been right; nothing bad had happened because Meredith had told her.

She glanced at her watch. It was a little after ten in the morning. Derek had a single surgery scheduled for the day, and she had driven in with him that morning. He'd probably be in surgery until early afternoon. He had originally been scheduled off with her, but his patient's symptoms had been steadily escalating and he hadn't wanted to wait any longer to operate. With any luck, he'd been done early so they could go home and prepare for that evening.

She laughed at the thought of the coming night. Three days ago, they'd planned to do nothing for New Year's Eve but have a few drinks and celebrate at home, just the two of them. Then one thing led to another – Izzie had suggested drinks at Joe's, George had pointed out how busy it would be, Derek had offered their home, Mark had overheard, others had been invited, people signed up to bring food and alcohol, Izzie had declared she was in charge of decorations – and suddenly they were hosting a party for everyone not working.