Where You Belong

6

Meredith collapsed onto the bench in the locker room, her head seemingly only held up by her hands, which were only held up by her elbows resting on her knees, which were only stable because she was sitting on the bench. She was tired. Way past exhausted tired, to a point she had never quite reached before. She actually felt like she was walking around in a fog. Life sucked. It had always kind of sucked, but the last three days were much, much worse.

She had spent Wednesday, Thursday, and that morning, throwing herself into her work, barely sleeping and dodging any human interaction she could. She communicated mainly with her resident and any unbiased Attendings or upper year residents she could get herself assigned to. Bailey was obviously curious about her sudden shift from depressed to happy to practically dissociated, but wasn't about to pry. Her friends had been concerned, but apart from a partial explanation to Christina and a few muttered excuses to her roommates, she hadn't talked about what had happened. And as childish as it may be, she found herself dodging around corners and into unoccupied rooms whenever she spotted Derek in the halls. Or Addison for that matter. Bailey had at least seen fit not to place her with either of them, something Meredith felt she would be forever grateful for.

It killed her not to pass him in the halls and be greeted by a warm smile. It killed her not to have their occasional run-ins in the elevator, or quick lunches together, or finding him waiting for her in the lobby at the end of the day even though his shift had ended before hers. She missed him. But she couldn't keep doing the yoyo thing. She couldn't keep letting him convince her everything would be okay, just to have everything blow up in her face again. He asked her to trust him; and his wife had shown up. He told her she had nothing to worry about; and he had hesitated. He had told her he was getting the divorce; and he hadn't.

She sighed. The last one may not actually be his fault, but he hadn't explained. She had clearly believed when he had shown up at her house on Tuesday that he was a free man. And the guilt and the stress and the wondering had faded into the background when he took her in his arms and smiled at her and kissed her. Only to have everything come crashing down on her a hundred fold at his words. He wasn't divorced. It would be another week until he had the papers back. And they had been at that place before. He had had papers in his hands before. And he had told her he was going to sign. And he hadn't. And as much as it killed her, if he couldn't hold true to his promises, she needed to take herself out of the equation. Because the not knowing was killing her.

No one had ever picked her before. No one. Not her father. Not her mother. Not any men in her past. Not any friends in her past. She couldn't keep getting her hopes up when it was inevitable that she was setting herself up for a fall. And she couldn't fall of the cliff by herself. She had been prepared to jump with him, but he hadn't been ready. So she had to step back to avoid falling over alone. Because she couldn't do that. She couldn't be that girl. The girl who swoons over the guy who doesn't want her. That wasn't who she was.

The door opened behind her and Meredith shifted her head sideways in her palms to recognize Izzy's tall form.

"Hey, Meredith," the blond called as she wandered to her locker. "Are you okay? You don't look so good."

Meredith forced herself to sit upright. "I'm fine, Iz, just tired."

Izzy scrounged through her locked until she found what she was looking for. "Are you sure?"

Meredith nodded. "Work's kicking my ass and I'm not sleeping much. Don't worry, just tired."

Izzy held out the energy bar she had pulled from her locker. "You look like you need this more than me..."

Meredith smiled at her roommate, even though the thought of eating one of those bars made her stomach roll in on itself. "No thanks. I'm off, just conserving energy needed to get changed and drive home. Then I'm going to sleep."