All The Things You Said (gxg)

Early High School

I am not a religious person- but the summer before I went into high school, I started praying.

Praying that God would take away these confusing thoughts about girls and just make me 100% straight and not confused about anything.

I would stay up at night, praying to this unknown God, and hope that the next morning I would wake up with no confusion.

But it never happened- and the confusion kept getting worse.

High school is a terrifying thing for anyone to start- but especially not knowing your sexuality- makes it much scarier.

Once again, Peyton would ignore me in the halls. But Drew, who was now a senior, would wave and say hi to me, and even introduce me to his friends.

High school felt intimidating. Though I live in a small town in Pennsylvania, there still were around 500 students at the high school. It felt very impersonal, and I wasn't a big fan of it.

I had McKinley in most of my classes though. Priyanka was taking the highest level classes a freshman could take, so I didn't see her much. I did see Katie though, I ate lunch with her and McKinley. Emily was now officially with the "popular" crowd. And my friends and I were long forgotten to her.

My mom could tell that I didn't like school that much- so at the end of the first month she took me to get my hair done to see if it would make me feel better.

The hair stylist added a bunch of highlights into my hair, taking my golden blonde hair to a very light blonde shade.

I hated that in my head I wondered if any girls would notice that my hair looked good.

As a student, I would say that I am proficient. I spend time on my homework and studying, and I pay attention in class. A's are my average grades, with some B's. I wouldn't dare bring home a C to my parents.

I definitely felt pressure from them. When it came to school, as well as that, I needed to grow up and get married to a successful man, yet still at least go to college. I just had this feeling that I wasn't going to grow up and be what my parents wanted me to be.

As the year progressed on, so did my confusion.

There was this one girl in my Algebra class that unfortunately had caught my eye. I found myself admiring her outfits, her long, dark curly hair, and makeup. Her name was Gia DeLorenzo. And I found myself thinking about Gia. We didn't speak much, but when she did speak to me, it was like she had me in a trance.

One night I had a dream about Gia. I was in deep sleep, and I suddenly pictured myself on a bed with her. Her long, dark curls were in my face, and then...she kissed me. Slow and gently.

Afterwards, Gia started...doing things to me. With her fingers, and with her tongue. And it felt good.

After the climax of the dream, I sat right up in my bed, drenched in sweat. My underwear was also wet, and I wasn't sure if that was because of the sweat.

And for the rest of the year I could hardly look at or speak to Gia. All I could think about were the things she did to me in my dream.

Now that I was 15 years old, and going to be 16 on November 25th, my mom had me get a job that summer between 9th and 10th grade.

I applied to summer camps to be a camp counselor- but I eventually wound up getting a job from my sister.

She worked at a local gym as a receptionist, and the gym was growing at a very fast pace, and they needed another person at the front desk. She got me the job, somewhat reluctantly.

Since she was 16 and I was 15, we both only worked part time, but we worked a lot of the same days. She often drove us in her brand new Ford Focus that our parents got her.

At this point- Peyton had a boyfriend. His name was Tommy Crossman, he was a year older than her, going into his senior year, and he was definitely one of the more "popular" guys. He was tall and muscular with swooped brown hair. He played baseball and football as well. She seemed over the moon that she had a boyfriend.

Tommy would sometimes come visit Peyton at the gym and bring her lunch or Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts coffee.

He was surprisingly nice to me as well, nicer than Peyton was to me even.

It wasn't that Peyton was mean to me, she just generally had a bit of an attitude always, especially being my older sister. But I found myself finding comfort in working with her side by side most of the time. It was now going to be just her and I at home- my brother was going to be attending Lafayette College, which was about an hour and a half away.

One day in July, after Tommy came to visit Peyton during our lunch break with some Chick Fil A, Peyton turned to me.

She wore a hot pink tank top, and as usual- a lot of makeup. Her long, straight blonde- almost yellow- hair was in a ponytail and she was very tan.

"Are you ever going to get a boyfriend?" she asked me.

I froze for a moment. "What?"

"I don't think I've ever heard you even mention a guy that you like. It's like you're a lesbian or something." Peyton made a slight face as she said it.

I felt myself getting really hot, and almost started to panic.

Turn it off. Deny it. Get a grip.

I chuckled, "No, I'm not a lesbian. I just haven't told you about any guys I've liked."

Peyton's hazel green eyes, that were the same as mine, lit up. "Do you like someone now?"

"No, not right now. But maybe when school starts back up again I'll like someone."

"Have you ever had your first kiss?" Peyton asked me, softly.

I had never told Peyton about my first kiss. We weren't particularly close, she was always either with friends or with a boyfriend. She didn't seem to have much interest in my life.

"Yes." I nodded, "I have had my first kiss."

"With who? Spill!" Peyton whispered, excitedly.

I lowered my voice, "It was during a game of Truth or Dare last summer. It was with Brendan Corbin."

Peyton's eyes got even wider. "He's cute! Have you hooked up at all since?"

"No, not at all." I shook my head.

"You should get on that." Peyton smiled at me, then she said, "Can I tell you a secret? And you have to swear on your grave that you won't tell mom."

I nodded, "I won't tell. You have my word."

"I've been having sex with Tommy." Peyton whispered, "We started to do it a few months ago."

I felt kind of weird that she told me this information. Sex was still an uncomfortable topic for me- and it just felt so...odd knowing that my sister was actively doing it.

"I won't tell." I said, "You have my word."

I did feel closer to Peyton after she confessed to me that she was sexually active. I felt like it was the kind of thing that my mom might have known about- but was avoiding facing the facts at all costs.

All I knew was- I couldn't let Peyton keep thinking I was gay.