All The Things You Said (gxg)

The Break Up

The summer before college was really special. Max and I were able to spend it together. I worked a lot, and so did Max, to be able to have money to spend my first semester of college because I wouldn't be working then.

But we still had a blast. We hung out with McKinley and her boyfriend, Tyler, as well as our co-workers.

But the times we spent together were the most special. We would go to the beach at night a lot, and just walk on the boardwalk, taking in the salty air and eating fried Oreos.

I felt fully confident that we would make it even when I went away to college- and Max seemed very confident about it as well. It's not like I was going far- and Max could see me whenever she wanted. I could drive to her house, and she could drive to mine.

Even with that, the end of the summer was bittersweet.

Because we knew things were about to change.

McKinley didn't get into her top school, University of Pennsylvania- so she wound up going to her safe school-

Arcadia University.

And we decided to be roommates, which made me feel less nervous. At least I had McKinley. I didn't have to go through the process of finding a roommate- and her possibly not liking that I was gay.

Drew and Peyton helped me move into my dorm, along with Max. My parents were still not really in the picture- though my Dad did tell me that I was welcome home whenever I wanted.

Drew had now graduated from college, and got an apartment with a couple of friends in Philadelphia, and Peyton was going to be finishing her X-ray school next year.

Max was going to take some classes at the community college and work even more hours at Chopped, to make money and figure out what she wanted to do.

I could tell that Max was upset as we moved everything into my dorm room. She was trying to keep a brave, smiling face. But I knew that she was upset. I knew her. I tried to reassure her that everything would be okay.

As classes started, I found myself liking college a lot better than high school. I enjoyed the freedom, and I was a Pre-Nursing major, so I was taking classes that I was actually interested in.

Max would come visit me, and I visited her- mostly on the weekends. She seemed to be happier when she would visit me on campus, she seemed much more relaxed in my environment.

But I could tell that in general- she was struggling. She didn't seem as lively, or playful, or to keep it simple- as happy. I tried my best to be there for her- to call her all the time, text her, make plans to see each other- but something was off.

As the weeks went by, and we got into October, she seemed even more withdrawn. There was even a weekend that we went without seeing each other- Max just said that she wasn't really up to it. She didn't feel well.

And that sent me into a tailspin. McKinley had to reassure me the whole weekend that Max was not breaking up with me, she was just going through a tough time.

All of these questions were running through my mind- did she meet someone else? Is she unhappy with me? Does she simply not love me anymore?

I felt sick to my stomach, because I didn't think that I would ever feel this way because of Max.

The next weekend, I called Max, after texting all week, and once again- she said she wasn't feeling up to coming to see me. So, I suggested I come down to see her.

But her voice was tired as she said she wanted to wait until next weekend.

"I don't know what is happening." I said, crying to McKinley, "I feel sick. I need to know what's going on."

"Go see her." McKinley said to me, "Go drive home and ask her in person. I don't want you going through another weekend feeling sick to your stomach about this."

"Can you come with me?" I asked McKinley, "I don't want to go by myself."

"Of course." McKinley pulled me in for a hug, "It's going to be okay."

It felt like a blur, driving to Max's house without her knowing I was coming- and then my heart pounded as I texted her that I was out front.

She called me right when I sent the text. "Is that really you parked in front of my house?"

"Yes." I said, already feeling like I could cry, "Can you please come outside?"

"I'll be right there."

When I saw Max come outside, I felt my heart swell.

I love her. Everything will be okay.

I got out of my car, McKinley smiling at me encouraging as I did so.

I walked up to Max.

She pulled me in for a hug, but it felt a bit rigid. Regardless- being in her arms was what I needed.

"Want to go for a walk?" I asked her.

"Okay. It's kind of cold, but we can walk." Max said, stepping into foot beside me. She had her hands jammed into her jacket pockets.

We started walking to the end of her street.

"Max. What's going on?" I asked her, simply.

She looked at me, "What do you mean?"

"You know what I mean." I said. "Things have been weird. You haven't wanted to see me... I had to drive down here to see you."

"You didn't have to do that." Max said.

There was an unfamiliar coldness to her voice that I didn't recognize.

And it broke me.

I stopped walking. "Max. Please just tell me what's going on. This is killing me." I said, feeling myself start to choke up.

She stopped as well and faced me.

"I don't know what's going on, okay?" Max said, and I could feel the emotion in her voice. Something was fucking with her.

"Have you met someone else?" I asked her. I had to know.

"What? No. Of course not." Max shook her head, "I can hardly handle a relationship with you, let alone anyone else."

What?

"What do you mean by 'you can hardly handle a relationship with me'?" I asked Max.

"I don't know, okay? I just...things are fucking hard. I'm feeling myself not have the energy for this anymore." Max said, her voice breaking, "I-I think I just need to be by myself."

WHAT?

"You're joking. Please tell me you're joking, Max." I said, tears already falling from my face.

"I-I'm not. I'm sorry, Bella. It's better for you if we break up. I promise it will be." Max said, looking down at the ground.

I wanted to grab Max by the shoulders and shake her. Demand that she tell me what was going on. Why she was doing this.

But she looked up at me and said, "I'm sorry. I'm really fucking sorry. I love you, Bella. But I can't do this."

She put her hand on my arm lightly for a moment.

Then she said, "I'm going inside. I'm sorry."

She started walking away, leaving me standing by a lamp post down past her house.

I looked up as Max walked toward her house, her shadow growing smaller and smaller. She turned and looked at me once more, before going into her house.

I could have fallen over and collapsed on the ground in tears, if it wasn't for McKinley. I heard her running over to me, and then she flung her arms around me.

"It's okay, Bella. It's okay." she said, "It's going to be alright, I promise. Let's just go back to school. I'll drive."