Never Again

Deserved

TW: SH is mentioned!! Also slight cussing

As I head back home I let my thoughts take over. A scowl spread across my face as I thought about what I had said earlier in the day.

"Take a swan dive off the roof of the building"

I basically just told him to kill himself. Because he had no quirk!? He probably hates me now. Not to mention he got attacked by a villain. God I hope hes fine. As I walk I blindly kick a water bottle out of pure frustration.

I think nothing of it until I'm suddenly yanked into the alleyway. Something holding me in its grasp, covering me in a slime like substance. I immediately know whats happening and I blow my explosions at it. I suddenly can't breathe and I squirm just wanting to be out of the hold of the villain. It tries to conquer my body but I try my best not to let it. Things catch on fire from my quirk and people start surrounding. I have no control of my quirk anymore and it spirals out. Heroes block the area off and try their best but its no use. The explosions keep them back and for a moment I'm mad about having such a quirk.

'I can't die. No not here, not yet. I have to fulfill my dreams and become number one! Am I so weak that a disgusting villain can defeat me so easily.'

I feel suffocated and trapped. I'm scared, no, I'm terrified of whats gonna happen. My thoughts are hazy but that doesn't stop me from having them.

My mind goes back to all the moments, the times where I was happy, sad, angry, confused. But the memories of my mother and the ones of me hurting Izuku. They stand the tallest as they flash through my mind. I look towards the crowd once more and spot a familiar pile of green messy hair. I notice that its getting closer and I frantically try to scream for it to turn around, For Izuku to go back to safety. He starts scraping the slimy substance away, allowing me to talk for a moment.

"What are you doing, deku!"

He keeps scraping away frantically. Though its not doing much to hurt the villain.

"I can't just leave you here Kacchan!"

Then suddenly the reason of why I was even here in the first place comes rushing back to me.

But before I could say anything else a sudden flash appears and the all so familiar quote is heard above the crowd. 

"I AM HERE!"

My mind is blank and I don't understand whats happening anymore. It all goes so quickly and I stand there, shocked and unable to move.

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As I run down the familiar path I finally spot Izuku and run to him.

"Deku!"

"Kacchan..?"

I abruptly stop and look him in the eyes. I try to think of something, anything that makes him realize. Realize that he was walking into a death trap. The fear that crawled through my veins when I saw him run towards me was immense. He couldn't protect me any more than I could at the moment. With no quirk its extra dangerous. But my mouth doesn't allow me to sound worried nor thankful. But instead harsh and rude.

"I never asked for your help!" I start trembling. Not from anger but from exhaustion.

"And you didn't help me! Got it? I was fine by myself. You're a quirkless failure playing without a full deck! Don't think you can look down on me!"

'Stop' I beg for myself to shut up, but I don't.

Izuku stands there listening to every word I'm spitting.

"Are you trying to make me owe you?!"

'No'

"Don't look down on me!"

'Just shut up!'

I turn around thankfully and walk away but not without one last remark.

"You damn nerd!"

I curse at myself for saying such useless, dumb things. I wasn't like my mom but I sure as hell acted like it. Why. Why can't I just stand up to her and leave. Why does it hurt so much I wanna cry.  And why.. Why am I scared of the change that would happen if I did get help. Sure it sounds weird but... It's all I've ever known. But auntie and Izuku showed real love and real care and that makes the fear of change a little less scary.

But it doesn't change the fact that it's still there. haunting me.

Because at one point I had a loving, caring mother. At one point she would hold me till I fell asleep, and tell me how I was strong. I strive to help auntie and Izuku. But I also strive to bring back the mother that was once proud of me.

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As I walk into the ever so lonely house I take off my shoes and head to my room to change. As I walk through the hallway my nose twitches from the smell of alcohol. I open my door as quietly as possible and slip in. I change slowly as I'm still sore from the attack that occurred moments ago. I walk to the bathroom and just.. stand there. 

Unwelcomed thoughts fill my head and I do nothing to suppress them. 

'Why can't you do anything right'

'You're so selfish'

'Can't even defeat a single villain'

'And you say you're gonna be number one hero? what a joke'

'You really are a mistake'

'A. WASTE. of air.'

I stare at the weak boy in front of me and scowl at him. He scowls back and I have an urge to hurt him. To hurt US.

I reach my hand to the door handle and lock the door. I go into the drawers and find a razor. 

'Am I really gonna do this?'

Yes, you deserve it.

The thoughts scream at me to do it. How I deserve to hurt and ache in pain and agony. This way I won't take my anger out on anyone else.

I trace my skin before I take the razor blade out and raise it up. I press down on my skin.

One

Two

Three

Now four

I switch to my right arm and trace some more.

One

Two

Three 

Four

One for every mistake I made today. My arms stung in pain, but I was used to hurting from the old hags 'lessons'. I let the blood trickle down my arm before I finally start cleaning the cuts. I let it rinse under the water. I wanted to cry from the pain but I kept it in. I then bandaged my arms, cleaned the counter and floor and went to bed.

I stare blankly at the wall, taking in everything that had happened today. I move a bit and immediately feel pain shoot up my arm.

'I deserve this' I remind myself.

I lay there with my thoughts for the rest of the night, confused, hurt, and relieved.

But why was I relieved? Because of the cuts? No. Because I utterly and truly feel I deserved them. And I was finally getting what I deserved.