One of the Good Ones ✓

For Now

I wake up the next morning, completely alone. Even Moose is gone. I worry for a split second that the past few months have been a dream, that I hadn't become friends with Chris, that my biological mother and stepfather hadn't found me, all of it. But then I hear a little bark from the kitchen, followed by a shush and I laugh to myself, relieved.

I throw on Chris's discarded sweater and head downstairs. "Ya gotta be quiet bud. Your mom is sleeping." I hear him tell Moose as I walk into the kitchen.

"Correction, his mom was sleeping." I say with a lazy smile. Chris looks up, eyes wide like a kid who had just been caught with his hand in a cookie jar. "I was worried when I woke up and no one was there." I add softly.

"I'm sorry. I just thought, breakfast was going to be needed. I should've left a note or something."

"No, Chris. It's ok. I'm learning how to be normal again."

"I wish there was a way I could assure you that I'm not like them."

"I know you're not. It's just an old habit."

He nods. "What were holidays like for you, growing up?"

"Before life went to shit, they were amazing. We lived with my grandparents and my aunt and cousin. So Christmas mornings were a lot like at your house, I'd imagine, normal. Me and my cousin waking everyone up at the crack of dawn. We'd do presents with our moms first before everyone would come into the living room and we'd all open up presents together. And then at some point in the early afternoon we'd go over to my great-grandparents' house and my great aunt and uncle and cousins would come over and we'd have the big family meal. And then we'd go home and we, my cousin and I, would typically fall asleep on the ride home."

"And after?"

"I don't remember Christmas being... bad, per say. It wasn't the same though." He nods at this.

"And this year? Where would you rate that?"

I smile. "Well, other than the events of earlier last night, I'd rate them right up there with the holidays from my childhood."

"I'm glad." We're silent for a couple more moments and I find myself growing anxious. "Hey, what's wrong? You can tell me."

"I don't know if I can. I don't know what it means." I start off. "And I don't know how to broach the subject without sounding desperate, or crazy, or a sad mixture of the two."

"Why don't you just ask so I can answer?"

I take a deep breath. "Was what Scott said true?"

"I guess that depends on what Scott told you."

"That you're in love with me."

He nods. "I really wish he hadn't said anything." I nod and look down, desperate to keep my tears inside. "You shouldn't find out about my feelings from my younger brother."

"Is it true? I need you to spell it out for me because I can't be here, making an ass out of myself if it's just Scott reading into things."

"Lexi, the first day I met you, I called Scott up after and was a stuttering mess."

"Why? I didn't think it went that poorly, you know, aside from the fact that you poured my hot coffee down my chest." I add with a laugh.

"Because I never felt, for anyone, what I felt for you in those first moments."

"Chris... I..."

"You don't have to admit to anything yet. I understand why you feel like you can't."

"You don't understand though. And I'm glad you don't. I wouldn't wish this emotional trauma on anyone. But least of all you. You have become my rock and I'd hate to think that you would see through all my cracks, all the hurts, and realize that I'm not worth it. Because I'm not. He might have been an asshole, but Dave, my stepfather, was right about that."

"I wish, for just one second, you could see yourself the way the world does. Everyone you meet, you touch with this ethereal light. Ma saw it right away and made a comment on it."

"Oh gosh. What did Lisa say?"

"She said that you were light, and if I knew what was good for me, I'd make sure I kept you around forever." My eyes go wide with panic. "Relax Lex. I'm not asking for forever right now. I'm asking for, for now."

I sit and think about this. If I ever wanted to be happy, I knew I had to learn to look past all the flaws that my family made so pronounced in me. And if this boy, this man rather, really wanted a chance, why shouldn't I be selfish for once? Why shouldn't I go for something for me for a change? "Ok. For now." I promise, a small smile on my lips.