It's Raining Outside

Relationships

It's almost 2 AM,
I don't even know how to begin.
It's like life is going well, but at the same time
it isn't. I spent so much time studying within, that I just don't know how to heal
and the only comforting thing is
that my cat sleeps next to me. How did I
grow up in such a place, where it feels so hard
to belong?

The way that I process the world
feels like a burden and I just don't know
how to accept myself while interacting
with the rest of society.
I don't know, I guess
life is never going to give
me that black-and-white answer
that I always hoped for.

I'd go in circles just trying to find solutions
to the most complicated things like oppression. It's like the past me doesn't line up
with myself yet
there are still people
who find me so predictable, but how?
My brain that I exist in, it's just so diluted
with different questions and no solutions,
and even if there were solutions,
would I be able to do them?
So far the answer is to keep on living,
keep on moving,
keep on existing,
but will humanity fail
to protect myself from harm?

I lost trust so long ago, before I even reached 18. To me, I am still that child,
who was afraid of being perceived as a threat.
I am still running from the ones
who were supposed to be my number ones,
yet the ones closest to me
end up disappointing me the most. How come everyone else, seems to be OK
just brushing off everyone at face value?
Keeping their distance
so they don't get too close, too much like friends,  too much "and maybe more".

I don't know, I just seem impossible
to myself sometimes.