WASTE OF TIME

SHUT THE FUCK UP

CHAPTER TEN: SHUT THE FUCK UP

" i don't wanna play the silly games "
- Tink (Mine)

Sa tuwing naaalala ko yon, nabibwiset lang ako.

Bwiset man ako ngayon pero alam ko kung anong klaseng tao ako noon. He tore me apart. He tore me apart with such a small thing to others but it was huge to me. I let my emotions tore me apart.

Ang daming pumasok sa utak ko pagkatapos nung nangyari. Naintindihan ko kung wala ba talaga siyang kinalaman don, I do. But the fact that he was still around them, with that stupid Kenneth showing it off to my face na nasaktan ako, pa-dila dila pa siya, amputa niya, of course masakit pa rin.

It shows that he will become like them or maybe he's been like that before.

It doesn't matter anymore.

You are who you become friends with.

That's what I had in mind. But it still pissed me off.

And then it drowned me.

Thoughts about whether he hated me all this time, that I was nothing to him, that he didn't defend me—

Pero ayoko ng pag-isipan yon.

I've moved on from that.

But fuck.

"What the fuck, Charlotte? What the fuck?" Iyak ko pagkatapos kong lumabas sa party with my glasses.

Putangina, dapat pala 'di na lang ako nag-salamin. My eyes are still okay pero may mga panahong 'di na 'ko makakita ng malayo, so I needed glasses.

Ilang beses akong tinanong ni Charlotte kung magiging okay ba 'ko kapag makita ko si Darren pagpasok ko sa building. And I wasn't. I fucking regret going inside.

Kaya e'to nanaman tayo.

"Marys—"

"Ayoko na, Charlotte!" Sigaw ko at niyakap ko siya ng mahigpit.

Dapat pala 'di ko siya iniwan dito sa bench, iniwan ko yung kaibigan ko. I should have listened to her.

"I did chase him, Charlotte. I did! Wuaaahhhh!"

"Okay, calm down..." tahan niya.

I tried to get her water but I ended up seeing Darren smiling with those idiots while sitting to another girl next to him.

I realized that having feelings for someone is so tiring.

So exhausting.

Especially crying over and over again.

I promised myself na hindi na talaga yun mangyayari ulet.

I will never cry about a man again. I will never let a man leave another impact in my life like that again. I will never... fall for someone like that.

"Talaga?" Charlotte reacts; her tone almost mocking.

Tinamaan ko siya ng tingin sa reaksyon niya. Iniinom niya rin yung bote ng soju na binili ko para sa'ming dalawa. Technically, apat yung binili ko, I was feeling modest and just went to buy four soju bottles. Usually anim binibili ko because I do want to get fucked up at times.

But tonight... I don't know.

I called her over. I told her I needed it and she told me she'd come over. I was more than happy to know that she's coming, that she had time for me.