𝒘𝒊𝒏| 𝐣𝐨𝐚𝐨 𝐟𝐞𝐥𝐢𝐱

5

"𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗰𝗼𝘂𝗹𝗱 𝘀𝗲𝗲 𝗺𝗲 𝗻𝗼𝘄 𝗶𝗳 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝘁𝗼𝗹𝗱 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿𝘀𝗲𝗹𝗳 𝗵𝗼𝘄 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗸𝗻𝗲𝘄 𝗺𝗲. 𝗼𝗵 𝗮𝗿𝗲 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗹𝗼𝗻𝗲𝗹𝘆? 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗼𝗵, 𝗮𝘀 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝘀𝗶𝘁 𝗯𝘆 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗯𝗶𝗿𝗰𝗵 𝘁𝗿𝗲𝗲."- 𝘀𝘁𝗿𝗮𝘄𝗯𝗲𝗿𝗿𝘆 𝗴𝘂𝘆.

i sat on my bed after a nice shower on facetime with jasmine. she made me go into very specific detail about the date with joão. "𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗿𝗲'𝘀 𝗻𝗼 𝘄𝗮𝘆 𝗶𝗻 𝗵𝗲𝗹𝗹 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝘁𝘂𝗿𝗻𝗲𝗱 𝗱𝗼𝘄𝗻 𝗮 𝗸𝗶𝘀𝘀 𝗳𝗿𝗼𝗺 𝗵𝗶𝗺." she said as she put another coat of white nail polish on her pinky toe.

"𝗶 𝘀𝘂𝗿𝗲 𝗱𝗶𝗱." i said laughing. it was funny how we somehow didn't make out that entire time. the tension was very much there between us. i sat at my vanity doing my skincare. jasmine was rambling on about a new perfume that she was dying to try.

i had a good perfume collection, most of them were average priced. when i was a kid my grandma taught me a trick that i still use to this day. you always wait until the thing you want to buy when it isn't popular anymore and you'll get it for cheaper. "𝗼𝗸𝗮𝘆 𝗷𝗮𝘇𝘇𝘆 𝗶'𝗺 𝗴𝗼𝗻𝗻𝗮 𝗴𝗼."

we said i love you's and goodbyes before we hung up the phone. tonight was absolutely wonderful, the food, the weather, i mean everything. but a little part of me, so deep down that you wouldn't even know it was clinging on to the promises i made years ago.

i got out of my bed and walked over to my closet, shuffling old boxes of clothes and stupid other items. i had finally found what i was looking for. it was in a small cardboard vans box. in sharpie on the top of the box it had "memory box." written on it.

this memory box used to mean the world to me. i would every little thing in there just so i could remember it. i opened the box looking for a small little letter i wrote my future self. i looked through basketball tickets and silly little friendship bracelets. pictures from my high school years were all scattered throughout the box.

a blue little sticky note caught my eye. it had scribbled handing writing that looked like a five year olds. i tossed it aside considering it was probably from one of my old friends. as i got down to the bottom of the box, i found the letter.

technically i was supposed to read it when i was twenty-one, but i had totally forgot about this. i'm currently twenty-two and my eighteen year old self would beat my ass. i opened the sealed envelope making sure to not tear it.

opening up the piece of notebook paper, i hoped it would solve all of my problems. that was the whole point on why i wrote the dumb little shit. i knew that at one point i probably couldn't stop running from my biggest fear, love

𝒅𝒆𝒂𝒓, 𝒇𝒖𝒕𝒖𝒓𝒆 𝒎𝒆
     𝒊 𝒉𝒐𝒑𝒆 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒚𝒐𝒖'𝒓𝒆 𝒅𝒐𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒗𝒆𝒓𝒚 𝒘𝒆𝒍𝒍. 𝒊 𝒋𝒖𝒔𝒕 𝒈𝒓𝒂𝒅𝒖𝒂𝒕𝒆𝒅! 𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒔 𝒊𝒔 𝒗𝒆𝒓𝒚 𝒂 𝒃𝒊𝒈 𝒂𝒄𝒄𝒐𝒎𝒑𝒍𝒊𝒔𝒉𝒎𝒆𝒏𝒕! 𝒔𝒐 𝒂𝒓𝒆 𝒘𝒆 𝒊𝒏 𝒄𝒐𝒍𝒍𝒆𝒈𝒆 𝒄𝒂𝒖𝒔𝒆 𝒊𝒇 𝒏𝒐𝒕 𝒘𝒆 𝒄𝒐𝒖𝒍𝒅 𝒂𝒍𝒘𝒂𝒚𝒔 𝒃𝒆𝒄𝒐𝒎𝒆 𝒂 𝒔𝒕𝒓𝒊𝒑𝒑𝒆𝒓. 𝒓𝒊𝒈𝒉𝒕 𝒏𝒐𝒘 𝒊'𝒎 𝒔𝒊𝒕𝒕𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒐𝒏 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒇𝒍𝒐𝒐𝒓 𝒐𝒇 𝒂 𝒕𝒓𝒂𝒊𝒏 𝒔𝒕𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏. 𝒊 𝒉𝒐𝒑𝒆 𝒕𝒉𝒆𝒚 𝒂𝒍𝒍 𝒖𝒏𝒅𝒆𝒓𝒔𝒕𝒂𝒏𝒅. 𝒘𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒉𝒆 𝒅𝒊𝒅 𝒕𝒐 𝒎𝒆 𝒘𝒂𝒔 𝒕𝒆𝒓𝒓𝒊𝒃𝒍𝒆. 𝒎𝒐𝒎 𝒕𝒐𝒍𝒅 𝒎𝒆 𝒕𝒐 𝒏𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒓 𝒄𝒐𝒎𝒆 𝒃𝒂𝒄𝒌 𝒉𝒐𝒎𝒆. 𝒕𝒆𝒄𝒉𝒊𝒏𝒂𝒍𝒍𝒚 𝒘𝒆 𝒄𝒐𝒖𝒍𝒅 𝒏𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒓 𝒄𝒂𝒍𝒍 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒑𝒍𝒂𝒄𝒆 𝒂 𝒉𝒐𝒎𝒆. 𝒃𝒚 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒘𝒂𝒚 𝒊 𝒕𝒐𝒐𝒌 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒔𝒄𝒉𝒐𝒍𝒂𝒓𝒔𝒉𝒊𝒑. 𝒊 𝒔𝒕𝒊𝒍𝒍 𝒉𝒂𝒗𝒆 𝒕𝒐 𝒈𝒆𝒕 𝒂𝒍𝒍 𝒎𝒚 𝒔𝒉𝒊𝒕 𝒐𝒖𝒕 𝒐𝒇 𝒉𝒊𝒔 𝒉𝒐𝒖𝒔𝒆. 𝒊'𝒎 𝒈𝒐𝒏𝒏𝒂 𝒃𝒖𝒍𝒊𝒅 𝒂 𝒏𝒆𝒘 𝒍𝒊𝒇𝒆 𝒇𝒐𝒓 𝒖𝒔. 𝒐𝒏𝒆 𝒘𝒊𝒕𝒉𝒐𝒖𝒕 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒅𝒓𝒖𝒈𝒔 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒂𝒃𝒖𝒔𝒆. 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒐𝒏𝒍𝒚 𝒑𝒆𝒓𝒔𝒐𝒏 𝒘𝒆'𝒍𝒍 𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒓 𝒏𝒆𝒆𝒅 𝒊𝒔 𝒐𝒖𝒓𝒔𝒆𝒍𝒗𝒆𝒔, 𝒓𝒆𝒎𝒆𝒎𝒃𝒆𝒓 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕. 𝒅𝒐𝒏'𝒕 𝒃𝒆 𝒂 𝒅𝒖𝒎𝒃𝒂𝒔𝒔 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒍𝒆𝒕 𝒂𝒏𝒐𝒕𝒉𝒆𝒓 𝒈𝒖𝒚 𝒓𝒖𝒊𝒏 𝒚𝒐𝒖. 𝒊 𝒉𝒂𝒗𝒆 𝒕𝒐 𝒈𝒐 𝒏𝒐𝒘 𝒔𝒐 𝒏𝒐𝒏𝒆 𝒐𝒇 𝒕𝒉𝒆𝒎 𝒇𝒊𝒏𝒅 𝒎𝒆, 𝒃𝒚𝒆.

tears pour down my eyes as i closed the letter. back then "love" was a word i hated. i was a eighteen year old who had no home. i walked over to my bed and cried into my pillow. in a sense i still had no one, i didn't really know if jasmine had pure intentions being friends with me.

what had sparked her interest in being friends with a waitress at a cafe. joão barely even new who i was. i cried until tears wouldn't even come out of my eyes. laying in bed i felt nothing but the feeling i was so used to, loneliness.

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so long ass time to update but it's getting there. i'm out of school now so i can write more. should i do joãos pov?