Sufi | book 3

Dancing with wolves not to be Confused with the movie

When my mother was a good person she was good and she was decent but when she met the guy from Burkina Faso she was almost a very different person almost mean and nasty and horrible person who said demeaning things to me and said stupid stuff and said that off and laughed at me and stuff like that. And made me look bad. And made me look like a crazy person there were times she drove me to the point where I ended up hearing voices in my head momentarily. Because the guy in Burkina Faso. That guy nearly was the cause of my only ask because she told me to go  kill myself.  And I was thinking shit he was not person she was before not the nice person I didn't know what happened if he shifted personalities or otherwise had a personality make over because of him but she worshipped him and she hated me and my father with a passion to the point where she would treat us like crap and treat him like royalty she was going to bring him to Canada andand I knew he was going to do a terrorist attack anyway so that's why I decided and fed up and moved out because of the toxic drama that was going on I don't when I was at the group home decided to confront the guy from Burkina Faso the jihad us and told him that he had better stay away from everyone else and stay home kind of thing and then he threaten me with my wife and told you about this with a very slow painful death very gruesome death and I would tell you more exactly what he said but I would give you bad dreams. And I didn't enjoy that very much and I still hated my mother for what she had done to her family. Cheating on my father with a guy from Burkina Faso treating me and my father like shit. I internalize a lot of things when I came to the house but when I went I decided I wasn't gonna have anything to do with her and I tried my damnedest not to and then when I really got a friend request from her and I didn't get a warning that she was online again I just saw that I was going to say well go talk to Mohammadi instead of me because you love him more and you don't love dad and stuff and I was an act of your song wind. Yes I just show my mother online very tacky thing to do but I had to do that for my own safety because I knew if she was online he wasn't far from her. And I have had to change my name legally to many different names. It was just one of those stupidity was enough to drive me crazy that I decided to try and talk to her but still I was paranoid about what she might do if he was talking to a religious person Muslim or not or if he was talking to someone who is atheist or someone who is really not a good person to begin with. There's so many psychos out there I think and that's basically yet but I tried to work things out but I have the beginning things were rough because every time she wasn't around I just sound her for being religious or a fanatic. And I don't think I treated her very well in the end until I wanted to meet her until she died that was about the end of it when I come to think of it as I haven't treated her very well to begin with. But then again she didn't treat me very well at the end of our relationship by saying that I was stupid worthless retard whatever else you can think of instead she caused me to have voices in my head so I cautious momentarily so-called psychotic as well as other shit that was call dad stupid stuff I remember having to stay in a motel and she be sitting in the come at the computer talking to this clown and I'll be looking up his stuff on my phone and I say mother God dammit he's a jihad is why are you talking to her you had us. And she said I am not as like well it's on my damn phone and I didn't doctor at. So she ended up having fights with me about this in the franks got worse and worse until the next thing you know I broke from reality and that's why it's in my medical records that I have psychosis even though I don't I was because of how shitty behaviour. She was a very good mother to begin with very good to begin with and spoiled me rotten until the guy from Burkina Faso came and then I couldn't handle anything with her anymore the paranoia the treating her like shit asshole I tried to deal with the relationship as it is instead I was very mean spirited why because I still considered her at her arrest instead of my mother. I am fed up with treat that's why I am done treating people like crap over their mistakes I understand it forgive them. And I also have had a dream where and what happen was is I passed out and hit my head and my heart momentarily stopped and I ended up seeing a Rozehnal house of wildflowers from all over the world and people picking them these are the people that were in heaven or paradise and I was talking to some kind nicer entity and also Buddha as well as Mohammed and I was talking to them and they said it's important that I forgive. When I for gave my mother it was too late she was already dead she was already in the death Rose getting the blood clots and now she's gone so I just saw it is not worth the shit it's important to go to a good place after they here now for a few going to nice after life you want to treat other people with respect and kindness as well that's what I think. I don't believe in treating other people like crap because of their mistakes that's one way to get an auto decent afterlife and that's what I was more envisioning when I was passed out and had knocked my head over the record player. That's basically the size of it. I had a swallow my pride after that when I came to and call my mother and tell her I forget or did I really forgive her no because I still was after her and saying give her a peptalk similar about counterterrorism and airport security and other shit that would make my heart Paul potato find someone was giving me a song brief about their issues. So I don't I'm so I don't think that my mother passing away has anything I think it has really resolved some pain both me and her her physical pain the emotional pain and the worry about religious people. Or having her internalize what she has done to me in the first place one of the guy from Latino Faso came it was this god-awful you don't care about my father is dementia when he was in the picture but one I try to forget ever after knocking my head on after a nasty fall I decided I try to swallow my pride and forgive her but obviously I didn't because I try to talk to her one day and then the next few hours and you're talking to a bunch of terrorists are you. And then start giving her the peptalk that she gave me at great day about Guantánamo Bay and other stuff do I believe that I should be acting this way now so it is important that she may have decided to pass on is she in a better place I don't think so I think she's been reborn because she has made too many mistakes I think she has open up a thing of samsara which is the thing cycle of life and death and rebirth she's and say I'm sorry right now because I would have to agree just think she is done to me and my father. I would bad if she was alive and well today she wouldn't even bad and I about what she has done. When you're dealing with someone with PTSD you don't talk to the person who caused your friend or family member is PTSD it's just bad habits and bad manners and that everything. It's Kathy and is crying saying I don't give a shit about what you're going through with your PTSD so I'm going to go and have my phone and that your experience kind of thing. This was a woman years ago who is paranoid about them as well as I was paranoid about the mayor he was sweet talked. That's what drove me to go into the group home because I couldn't handle it then she tried to friend request me when I was in the group home and then I decided that is it I want to try to rekindle the relationship the mother daughter relationship and just wanna say I was obviously because she's dead now did she die my hair now but she died at my mouth meaning she died because I called her so many derogatory things like terrorist we had asked be the next bin Laden this is not something you want to do to your mother why are you never know when she's going to pass on. 
yeah I have to I try to forgive her and stuff she even accepted me as an auto romantic auto sexual it didn't matter what you wanted was was the same thing he were attacking yourself I still thought she had a different agenda behind her words that she might cheat on my father again or do something really stupid or are rated. And I just say I was going to not so I never really talk to her because I didn't know if she was going to answer in Apple she didn't ask for things would go through my head about religion and other bad things that were not good. So it just bothers me more and I just saw that it was the end of the end. By the time when I decided to talk to her again she was in so much pain and so much misery and then when I finally saw her for the last time she was already gone too far not with her actions but with her medical condition and she was in so much pain. When I think about the guy from Boquina Faso I think she may have deserved half the stuff that she suffered in the end. But then again I try not to think that way I try to think of her as my mother and cry I think you are not as a terrorist. But it's very hard because my brother used to say one time there's more bad than good you say I try to counteract that and say there's more good than bad but sometimes it's hard to ignore the bad stuff. Especially when you have PTSD or some kind of mental illness especially when you've been treated like crap all your life. Because of who you are what you are racially or who you are orientation wiser and believe why is just something that sticks with you for the rest of your life. I try to be a positive person Kairi day soon I know that my mother would want me to go up or you know onwards the real mother know that I talk with me in the first place not the bitch that was talking to religious freaks online. I know the real woman would want me to be happy and decent and happy and more human to other people and go or zero in words so I try to do that but as I said I so hard to forget the guy from Burkina Faso and warriors down my family now my father is the next want to go. And he has no one to care for him except for my dear dad because my mother was immediate to begin with to cheat on him and not care about his dementia. And in my code of honour and yes I am at ya Cusa I do believe that you are a three other people with the owner they are very deserving and if you're going to commit to a person goddamn commit to the person and don't cheat on them especially if they have a disability I mean if you can't handle a disability do you say I can't handle that I can get some help that's all I can say and that's why it jerk me off when she was talking to this guy. Manager a car for me and pissed off or pissed me off you know why not as in the obscene gesture. She was really whacking my brain off whenever she talked on the computer and then when I found out what she was really Harding which was an online affair because my father was having medical problems and disabilities with dementia and she was cheating on him because of that some loyalty that was. I just saw that was the end of that and I stormed out and I left my father alone for a few days until my brother is one to pick him up and there was rodents in the house and everything it was the best thing I've done but then again it wasn't as bad as my mother had done I had to protect myself from the trauma of knowing that she had screwed someone else or cyber screwed someone else because my father was disabled I don't believe that you should be disloyal over I guess ability. But I guess that's what it is with some people they just arrange for one thing and then once something else happens and they end up with a disability or medical issue they end up deciding they can't handle it and they cheat. And I say that's not right to handle that no certain way I had nightmares when I was a kid that she was going to remarry and be in love with someone else and it came through right away but she didn't get married and become a nice ride then she ended up becoming what is called a dumb drunk idiot which is just as bad as the nicest ride. She was going to become an iso bride or she was gonna end up dying of alcohol poisoning one of the 23 years ago and then she ended up trying to make amends and I didn't wanna make amends with her so I flipped her off on Facebook telling her to list talk to him instead of me. And then she didn't care about my father's disability. It really hurt to say that but it was like who's at the time is still is the truth to this day I don't think she's in heaven or or paradise I believe that she has been reborn and she's gonna be in a I psycho of being reborn her soul being recycled every time she dies from one life to another being recycled like a used garbage bag is kind of sad a thing that that's her fa and after life but that's what she was begging for when she cheated on my father and didn't give her a flying crap. I remember when I was talking to one person Elizabeth T that she wanted to talk about my mother and I said well listen my mother is a goddamn Islamic terrorist whore and she said that was very vulgar of me to say and I said well she cheated on my father with an Islamic terrorist so what am I supposed to do. As I said I'm the one that has marked up my guitar for the victims are 911 both Canadian and American so I don't play around with terrorism even though I'm gonna say no buddy I'm not an FBI agent or military I'm just a normal human being trying to live a decent life but as I said when you live this kind of a life that has this theme it's very hard to go about trying to live a decent lifestyle. That's one of the things with me that was always on my mind since birth until I age 31 and then I decided it was eating me up alive inside to out and I was like mosquito bites eating you alive and I thought that was just horrible so I cut the semantics and decided not to think about world events and I decided to do tarot cards instead of actually reading the newspaper and being reminded about the idiocy in the world but then when I go to my brothers place he watches the news and I'm kind of like a fuck. Yes I swear when I go and see the news on my  brothers TV as I turn it off do I not care about other people yes I do care about other people in this world but I just don't care about the news or care for the news because it's just a pile of crap to begin with. I've decided that when I saw the news and I said no you're not watching that in front of me I have negative views on the news. So that was the end of the story but do you still want Theresa news and I cringe and I just either read my book or just take my temperature and shove it