Ghost of You

12

Today is the day of Ely's funeral. I am just fixing my hair and after that we'll go to the cemetery. I am wearing a black tuxedo, black pants, and black shoes. I am wearing all black. I used to love the color black but I kind of despise it now. I can't believe that I am wearing this at my girl's funeral.

"Caleb, we're ready! Come down now!" my mom shouted from downstairs. I took a deep breath before I went downstairs and meet my parents.

"Let's go, son." she said and she wrapped her right arm around my waist.

We went to the car and my Dad started driving to the cemetery. While we were getting closer to the cemetery, I can't control myself to be feel dead inside. My heart is crying but my eyes are dry. This is one of the worst feelings that I am experiencing right now.

The whole drive was quiet. No one dared to talk. Not even my Mom. I can feel her checking up on me at the mirror. I am just staring at nowhere that whole time.

After 20 minutes of driving, we finally arrived there. There are many people at the funeral right now. I am not familiar with any of them. Maybe they are from Ely's school.

The atmosphere at the cemetery was very thick and heavy. I feel like I was being suffocated.

"Caleb, go sit in front. The funeral is about to start." Mrs. Arden said and I nodded my head. My parents are just behind me, following me as I make my way to the front.

I sat down and there I saw the casket again. I can't believe that this is the last time I will ever see her.

"Today we are here to accompany Elysian Arden to her final resting place." the preacher said as an opening. The preacher talked again but I can't understand a thing. It feels like I have gone deaf.

I was just staring at Ely's casket the whole time. I didn't even notice that it was my turn to give my eulogy for her.

Mrs. Arden passed the mic to me. I stood up and walked to the platform.

"'Life can be so hard to fight sometimes. Maybe most of the times. But don't you think that it would be so nice to know that we're trying our best to fight?' That's what she said to me when I was about to take my own life. She was and will forever be my savior. I am just so disappointed at myself because I couldn't be her savior. She told me to fight but she gave up. If only I knew. If only I tried harder to make her open up to me, maybe things will turn out differently. I question myself sometimes. Was there something I could've said or done to help her? To lessen the heaviness that she felt when she was still alive? She was my safe haven. She makes everything alright. She knows how to handle me very well. She knows me more than I know myself. For her, we were the other half of each other. But for me, she was my whole life, my whole heart, and my whole world. And now that she's gone, I feel so empty and dead. I feel like I also died."

I stopped as I chuckled bitterly and I wiped my tears streaming down my face and continued.

"The things that I love about her the most are her eyes and smile. There's something in her smile that gives me comfort and warmth. Not just for me actually. Her smile also gave comfort to other people that she encountered. Her smile can light up my mood. She was a very cheerful person and I also love that about her but at the same time I hate that personality of hers because I can't even tell if she's genuinely being cheerful or she's just forcing herself to not make me or us worry." I smiled bitterly at them and continued to deliver my eulogy.

"Now I know why she told me that the thing she regrets the most is not meeting me sooner. And now, it also became my biggest regret. I wish I met her sooner. Maybe things wouldn't be like this. But I am still thankful that I got to meet her and I got to love her more than anything. I still have a lot of plans with her. I dreamed of her being my wife when we were in her late Granny's kitchen. I made a promise to myself that I am going to marry her and no one else. How can I fulfill that promise when she's not here anymore? How can I build my dream family when she's gone and will never come back?"

I paused to wipe my tears using the back of my hand and I let out a few sobs.

"Her death is so sudden for me. I am not prepared for this kind of heartbreak. I am not ready. I am not ready to let her go yet. I am not ready to say goodbye. I don't want to say goodbye. Because I can't accept the fact that she's... gone. Gone forever. I can't accept the fact that she won't be standing at her usual spot at her school and she won't be running towards me to hug me so tightly. I can't accept the fact that I lost my best friend and my girlfriend."

I paused for a while to breathe.

"I would like to remember her as fantasy. Fantasy that once become into reality. It feels like meeting her was a fantasy because she's to good to be true. Her breathtaking beauty, her kindness, her love for flowers, her smartness, all of her feels like a fantasy to me." I said trying my best to smile genuinely.

"Ely, I want you to know that I love you so much. I love you more than anything, more than my life. You are the best thing that ever happened to me. I am glad that I got to experience genuine happiness with you. You are and will forever be my safe haven. You can rest now, baby." I said. I put back the mic at the mic stand and went back to my seat. My mom was standing and when I got there, she hugged me. And there in her arms I cry my heart out until there's no more tears coming out from my eyes.