𝐓𝐑𝐄𝐀𝐂𝐇𝐄𝐑𝐎𝐔𝐒, james potter

idris's letter.

April 19, 1978

Camellia,

It's a little ironic, isn't it? I have spent my whole life thinking the only ones who deserve to live are purebloods. I have spent so long loathing anyone with even a hint of muggle blood in them that I never imagined that one day I would live and breathe for someone who came from a family with not even an ounce of magical blood.

I didn't expect to fall for you as much as I did. Fuck, if I could've stopped myself, I would have. But it was impossible. I couldn't not fall for you.

That first time I saw you, when we were forced to sit together in Potions, I took one look into your doe eyes and I knew. I knew I was a fucking goner. I knew it was going to happen the second you smiled at me.

It was useless to fight it. Now I wish I never had. Because if I had just admitted it then, we would have had more time.

We never said it out loud, not in so many words. But we both knew what it was. What we were. I guess it was obvious from the start, wasn't it? That I would fall madly, deeply, irrevocably in love with you.

You're my best friend.

You're my best friend, and I love you. And I'm sorry I'm such a dipshit.

I have never even said those words to my parents, rarely ever to my sister. But I want to say them to you every second you're with me. I want to sing them to you and whisper them across your skin.

I want to hold you in my arms every goddamn night and kiss you until the only oxygen we need is each other.

I love you in every way that matters, and yet, I'm not enough to ensure your happiness for the rest of your life. Because that is all I want, all I have ever wanted.

For you to be happy.

And that shit scares me.

That I care about another human being more than I could ever possibly care for myself.

I'm so fucking scared that one day you're going to realize just how fucked up I am, and you're going to leave me. I wouldn't blame you, nor would I stop you. Because you deserve so much more than a monster like me. You would be so much happier without me, I know that.

But I can't make myself let you go.

You are by far the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I hope hell swallows me whole for my selfishness.

They say if you love someone enough, you let them go. I think that's fucking bullshit. If you love someone enough, you do everything you can to make them stay. You show them that you care, that you're so fucking in love with them that nothing makes sense if they're not with you.

I'm so fucking in love with you, Camellia. Nothing makes sense when I'm not with you.

Please forgive me. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for everything.

Ris