𝐓𝐑𝐄𝐀𝐂𝐇𝐄𝐑𝐎𝐔𝐒, james potter

24. are you happy?

NESRIN DOES NOT go to any of her classes. She does not go to breakfast or lunch. When Idris asks why, she makes an excuse about procrastinating on a Charms assignment.

The truth is that she is still shaken up about what happened the day before. She can still feel Garrett's hands on her, can still hear the sound of his voice calling her a name no one has ever called her before.

She can't see him again or else she'll lose it.

Fear and disgust creep in through her cracks despite how long she has tried to fix everything broken in her. She's not sure how she's supposed to act as if nothing happened, as if what he did isn't affecting her as deeply as it is.

She feels pathetic and weak and utterly worthless.

By the time dinner rolls around, she still isn't feeling up to the task of leaving the comfort of her bed. It's quiet in the room, and for a few moments, she revels in this silence. Bathes in her loneliness as if it were a sweet scent she wants to be wrapped in forever.

Eventually, the silence gets to be too much. She can't stand it.

Pathetic. Weak. Worthless.

She needs to leave her room. She needs to get rid of these self-demeaning thoughts before she spirals down a dark hole.

She moves toward the door and leaves the common room. Her feet move on their accord. She doesn't know where she's going until she's already there.

The breeze kisses her skin in a way that she has longed for since she left Hogwarts. Since she left James.

She stands in the meadow where he first took her to make her feel better about her parents. Their secret spot. The one no one else knows about.

Does he take Lily here?

The question comes to her so suddenly, with such painful force, that Nesrin can physically feel the pain of just the thought of him kissing Lily underneath the tree they once talked under for hours. The thought of him resting his head on her lap and her running her hands through his hair the way Nesrin used to.

She doesn't know why this thought makes her want to cry. She shouldn't want him anymore. She can't want him anymore. Not when he will never be hers again.

But how are you supposed to let go of the only person in the world who has ever understood you?

Swallowing down her thoughts, she starts to move toward a patch of grass to sit down when a voice stops her.

"What are you doing here?"

Her heart stills. She turns slowly, immediately noticing the frown on James's face and the frustrated expression he wears.

Her mouth opens, but she doesn't know what to say. She didn't think that he might come here tonight and that if he saw her, he might get mad.

But of course that would happen. This is his spot. The one he shared with her so long ago. What made her think it was okay to come back here?

The frustration slowly dissipates from James's face, replaced by a resigned look. He seems to be debating with himself about something before he lets out a quiet sigh and brushes past Nesrin to sit down where she was originally going to sit.

She still stands in the same place. She doesn't know what to do now. Perhaps she should just go back to her dorm. But dinner has most likely just ended, meaning she may run into Garrett if she leaves now.

She doesn't have to think long about what she should do because James scoots down a little in the place he's sitting even though it is a wide area and he has more than enough space.

Her breathing gets a little faster. He tilts his head ever so slightly, indicating for her to sit down beside him if she wants.

Warmth blooms in her chest, so much so that she has no idea what to do with it except make a fire.

She moves toward him and sits down, leaving space between them because she doesn't want to make him feel uncomfortable or take this small moment for granted. It's silent between them for a long time. For a second, Nesrin is transported back to when she was fifteen and was first falling in love with the boy next to her. Back to when it was comforting to just sit next to him, neither of them having to say anything or fill the silence. Like just the other's presence was enough.

It feels much like this moment right now.

It is a while before he breaks the silence.

"Are you..." he trails off, clearing his throat. "How are you doing?"

He is referring to last night. Nesrin stiffens. She sees him look at her from the corner of her eye, but she can't bring herself to look at him in fear of crying again.

She swallows, taking a shaky breath. "Fine."

He continues staring at her but says nothing. And then she feels his hand brush her knuckles softly, gently, quickly. It happens in the blink of an eye. He moves away so fast that Nesrin can't tell if he did it on purpose or if it was an accident.

Silence falls again.

Minutes pass before she speaks up, voicing a question she usually wouldn't have the courage to ask him but has somehow gained some to ask him now at this second.

"Are you happy?"

Her voice is quiet, hesitant, all too unsure of herself.

James blinks. Then, he turns to look at her even though she doesn't look back at him.

"What?" he asks slowly.

She knows that he knows what she means, but she clarifies anyway.

"Are you happy with Lily?"

He's quiet for so long that Nesrin isn't sure he'll answer.

But then he does.

And she wishes he didn't.

"She was there when I needed someone," he finally explains, looking away from her. "She was the only person who made my heart hurt a little less."

Her jaw clenches, the sudden jealousy taking her by surprise. She has no right to feel this way.

She is grateful to Lily. For being there for James when Nesrin couldn't be.

She doesn't respond.

It's quiet until James shoots the question back at her. "Are you happy?"

He asks in a way that makes it seem like he doesn't want to know the answer. Like the thought of her being happy without him kills him inside almost as much as it kills her.

She doesn't answer. Instead, she just turns her head to finally look at him. Their eyes meet. A silent understanding passes between them as they stare at each other.

His jaw tenses before he clears his throat and looks away.

"I have to go," he says, looking into the distance toward the Whomping Willow.

She remembers that it is near the end of the month.

"Remus?" she asks quietly.

He glances at her in surprise before he quickly covers it up and nods, standing.

He pauses right before he starts moving away. He runs a hand through his hair, his shoulders tense.

Without looking at her, he mumbles, "See you."

And in her head, as James leaves her there, she thinks, No, I'm not happy. I haven't been happy in over a year and a half.

𝗮𝘂𝘁𝗵𝗼𝗿'𝘀 𝗻𝗼𝘁𝗲 !

gracie abrams is opening for the eras tour show i'm going to and i just found out she's only doing 4 songs???!?!?!?

literally robbed. this should be illegal.

the things i would do to scream "she doesn't know i'd let her ruin all my days"