Being alone never bothered me before. I always enjoyed reading, watching television, listening to music, all behind a closed door where I could look out at the world from a safe distance from my window. Let's just say, I made fun of Sandy and all those other girls whenever they cried over boys. I couldn't understand, but that night, as I looked in the mirror at my swollen eyes, I knew in the past I had been the insensitive person to ever live.
As the night wore on I left my room only to eat dinner with my family, which doesn't seem like much, but keep in mind, the pulse in my head was slamming against my fragile skull, and while I had probably dried up all the tears in reserve inside my body by that time, the lump in my throat that forms before you cry felt like it was latching onto my esophagus, waiting until more tears were ready to flow.
"Honey, are you okay?" my mother began, and since I hadn't spoken since leaving Matt on the street that afternoon, I didn't realize that it was next to impossible to speak without crying. I nodded, staring down at my spaghetti, wishing now more than ever that a meteor would crash through the kitchen window and kill me on impact while my family, unaware, goes on with their life unharmed.
We ate in silence and later after I had laid on the shower floor for nearly an hour, I moved to my bed, hair sopping wet knotting itself into a nest. Sex and The City was on an endless loop on E! and for the first time I felt like my life somewhat resembled Carrie Bradshaw's. I had lost my Mr. Big, and now I was just a single girl in New York, which was always the worst thing to be.
My father came in, not knocking first of course, and sat down on the edge of my bed. I was laying in the smallest corner of my twin bed, hugging the comforter to my chest. My phone was sitting on my wooden bedside table. It hadn't made a sound since yesterday.
"Faith, come on," I didn't say anything, I tried to channel all my thoughts toward him, hoping to force him into leaving silently without having to tell him so.
"He'll come around if he's the right one, kiddo I promise." He said, his hand patting my foot. I felt fresh, hot tears sting my eyes. After a few more minutes my father stood and left, closing the door lightly behind him.
At around a quarter to eleven, I had gotten up to wash my face and brush my teeth, and I somehow ended up laying down next to the heater on the bathroom floor. I caved in and called Matt, and as the phone went to voicemail on the third ring, I knew he wasn't ready to talk to me either.
I dressed to the nines on Tuesday and I boarded the bus like I always used to, before I was the most envied girl sauntering through the junior parking lot. In a pair of the tallest boots I could dig out of my closet, I strutted into Government, taking my seat next to Sandy. I had tried to hide my blotchy cheeks under goopy liquid concealer I found in my mother's make up alcove, and some powder I had bought at CVS when I had tried to get into that "Beauty" obsession every other girl in my high school had taken up when we started ninth grade, safe to say, this was the first time I had ever even attempted to put on any think to enhance myself, and I felt like nothing more than a spice cake covered in powdered sugar.
"Hey!" Sandy said, her face lit up reminded me of how long it'd been since we really hung out together. I felt like I had all together changed. Like every bone in my body was hollow, and the blood running through me was no longer rushing somewhere. My heart was beating very slow.
"Hi," I said quietly. I had barely spoken since last night I feared crying and swallowed immediately, realizing quickly that the lump in my throat was still sitting pretty. "What's up?"
"Jeremy Knight asked me out for Friday! How amazing? It's like, I just said he was cute, what? A week ago? And now were basically, almost going together!"
"That's... great!" I said, feigning enthusiasm. Either she didn't notice, or didn't care, because she plowed on with the conversation.
"Maybe, if we really, really start going together, me and him, and you and Matt can double!"
"Don't count on it," I said looking up from my hands, summoning all the strength in the world not to cry "We broke up yesterday." Sandy gave me a sympathetic look
"I'm sorry Fai, he'll come around."
"I could only hope." I said putting a hand to my eye. Damn it, I had been good for a total of four minutes. I chided myself and let Sandy ramble on about what an asshole he was, and I was barely listening, only nodding in agreement when she hit my arm. As the bell rang for class to finally begin, my eyes were glued to the door, just waiting to get a glimpse of Matt. Little did I know, I would've been better off looking away. I heard Courtney's laugh in my ear like a dog whistle, high, whiney, and most of all, confusing. Matt was right on her heels, his deep heart laugh in contrast with hers, his hand touching the small of her back as they squeezed through the door. Almost late for class.
I looked down immediately. I saw Sandy scowl at Matt as I glanced up. I was sure he didn't even notice her sinister stare. The class was agonizingly slow, and for the first time in my life, I wished I was sitting in Physics, or Algebra II, any place other than here. As the class finally came to a close, I sat quietly reading my book while Sandy picked at her nails. I couldn't fathom the thought of having to sit here less than twenty feet away from him for the next four months. How do you stare into the eyes of someone you love, and keep silent? How do you look at your knight in shining armor, and stay hauled up in the castle tower, staring out the window? You just don't, or at least, I hoped I wouldn't have to.
The next week blurred together, I fumbled through every test, absentmindedly checking off answers, bullshitting schoolwork like it was my job. I read five books to distract myself, I watched an entire season of Gilmore Girls, I felt as lost as Rory after the first of many Dean break ups. I was slipping back into my old, secluded self, and that was someone I just wasn't prepared to face.
Thursday, a week ad a half since our undoing, I sat by the North end of the school waiting for my mother, she was late of course. Everyone who wasn't in a sport had pretty much left, when I looked up and saw Matt staring at me from across the wide expanse of double doors, I immediately looked the other way. I heard someone calling towards me, and I stared down at my phone so intently you'd think it held the secret of the United States foreign affairs.
"Hi," he said, sitting down next to me on the bench. I didn't move, I felt paralyzed.
"Hi." I said quietly, my mouth suddenly felt as dry as a desert.
"What are you doing?"
"I'm waiting for my mom." I said, still avoiding eye contact with him.
"Is she on her way?"
"Yeah, but she had to go out to some doctor out of town, so she's probably just caught in traffic."
"Well, do you want me to drive you?" I didn't even have to think about it.
"Okay."
YOU ARE READING
This Kiss
Roman pour Adolescents“Okay, I could be wrong because I only saw him for a second, but I think, I think it was Matt Sullivan.” The music was loud and the floor of the club was crowded with people, at a concert that would soon become the talk of the year. Straight A stude...
