IT'S PUNCTUATION, JIM. BUT NOT AS WE KNOW IT.

MYASSA FOUNDERS' DAY, SUNDAY MAY 23, 2015

The Founders' Day celebration got a late start because it came on Sunday this year and we had to wait until after church was over at noon. Then everyone took the Myassa Hertz Tipsy Taxi to the Spiritual Imbiblification communion of the Myassa First Church of Beer Almighty at Myassa Liquors Bar and Grill where the Reverend Artois Heine led the flock in imbibing the spirits. Nobody was willing to skip that but the Biblical Misinterpretation Committee meeting was called off to get the festivities started. Finally.

The traditional first event,, Pepito's Undocumented Taco Stand 5K runs to the Porta-John (See picture of the winner's welcoming committee), started after after each contestant finished eating their mandatory three pound burritos. The gold hemorrhoid winner for the fifth straight year was The Right Honorable Rantin N. Raven-Faux VI, Mayor of Myassa. He once again had to beat the "runnin Schitts", Bull Schitt and Batt Schitt, and once again their silver and brass hemorrhoids were withheld when they tested positive for banned substances. They were sent home in disgrace until they could provide enough banned substances for everyone.

The next event, the Punk Chunk, was held in the Myassa State Endangered Invasive Species Flora and Fauna Preserve. The contestants were required to find the evasive Melaleuca, or Punk tree in the preserve, remove one square foot of its extremely lightweight pithy bark, or punk, and return to the starting line within 10 minutes. Then the contestants competed in chunking the punk for distance. Longest throw this year was by Jimmy Billy Bootay, one of the last pure blooded Myassa tribe and Bootay (the Myassa Terrible Tiger Gator) Clan members. Actually, because of a fierce head wind, none of the contestants was even able to chunk their punk across the starting line. Jimmy Billy's piece of punk was six feet behind the line but his was the nearest to the starting line. Kudos to Jimmy Billy. There was no medal to hang around his neck because it was made of punk and also blew away.

In the Underwater Ger-Be-Que Cookoff there were two contests: Best Ger-Be-Que (BBQed gerbil) dish and most gerbils wrangled in one hour. Best Ger-be-que in the contest went to the favored contestant, The Right Honorable Spouse, as determined by the reigning Gerbil Wrangling Champion of the World, The Mayor. The gerbil wrangling winner was, as expected, The Mayor. The official gerbil tally keeper was The Right Honorable Spouse.

Next contest was the Squirrel Hurl. Each contestant had 10 minutes to eat as many squirrel pot pies as possible, annually provided by Myassa's Honey Baked Hamster Half House (For the cavernous appetite try the Honey Baked Hamster Whole). After holding their pot pies down for five minutes the contestants step up to the starting line and hurl squirrel. Again there are two prizes to be won, volume and distance without getting any on themselves or the judges, who were The Mayor and The Right Honorable Spouse. The prize for hurl volume was won by Jimmy Billy's brother, Billy Jimmy Bootay, who won a year's supply of squirrel pot pies provided by Myassa's Honey Baked Hamster Half House. The winner of the distance hurl was Bootay Billy Jimmy (member of the Bootay Clan but unrelated to the Bootay brothers), who received a year's supply of frozen penguin meringue pies, also provided by Myassa's Honey Baked Hamster Half House.

Our local licensed massage therapy shop, Rub Myassa, ran a massage special of one hand for one-half hour for one-half price called the Money Shot Massage. The ladies were treated to free facials.

The event was ended by the traditional fireworks show from Myassa's Explosive Diarrh-rama and everyone went home relieved that it was finally over for another year.

Dutifully reported by Y.A.DUCK?

SQUIRREL POT PIE, BEFORE AND AFTER