IT'S PUNCTUATION, JIM. BUT NOT AS WE KNOW IT.

MYASSA FOUNDERS DAY 2015, PART DAUX "AND THE WINNER IS..."

Due to the shortened festivities caused by confused Sunday religious observances held on Saturday, a second day of contests was held on the day after Founders' Day, an actual Sunday. Once again, opening contests were postponed until after communion services held by Rev Artois Heine at the Myassa First Church of Beer Almighty. The likely reason for the confusion was that lead-in communions were celebrated every afternoon and night of the week preceding Founders' Day, including a Ladies Drink Free Night communion on Friday.

On Friday every longing man in town came hoping to pick up a drunken lady (except for The Mayor, who was tending the bar, excuse me, tending the alter with The Right Honorable Spouse). However, aside from The RHS, all the women in town, knowing what to expect, stayed home. The result was over-indulgence by the men, who were then left with only other guys to puke on.

Sunday's games began with the Yo Mama events, comprised of 100, 200, and 400 meter sprints, plus the 60 and 100 meter hurdles. Contestants in both the male and female events are required to carry their mamas, either living or dead, for the entire race while telling Yo Mama jokes about their opponents' mothers. There were no actual winners this year because they (again, only the men were suckered into appearing) had all attended communion at the Myassa Liquors Bar and Grill immediately beforehand and had to stop every few meters to throw up or relieve themselves, usually on opponents or their mamas. Once again, the women (other than some dead mamas) were too smart to show up.

Or maybe the ladies had been saving themselves for the jumping events which were women-only competitions. The events were the high jump, long jump, triple jump and pole vault, both standing and running approaches. However, the traditional sand pits were replaced by mud pits. When a competitor finishes an event she stays in the mud pit. After each event resulted in an out of the pit Royal Rumble. Last woman in the pit wins the event. Each event has its own golden hemorrhoid awards but the real goal was to win the overall women's championship. After the individual awards had been made and the losers removed from the mud pits, the overall women's champion was determined by the mud rasslin double elimination out-of-the-pit Royal Rumble tournament. Two mud pits were prepared side by side. Beginning in one of the mud pits, all winners tried to throw opponents into the other pit. If they were thrown out of the first pit onto solid ground they returned to the pit to continue Rumbling. If they were thrown into the second pit they continue the Rumble there until they are eliminated by being thrown onto the ground. If thrown back into the first pit the ladies had to return to the second pit within ten seconds or be disqualified. The two ladies left in the mud pits were hosed off and the Finals were held at the Newly Renovated Santorum Ballroom© to decide the winner. Unfortunately we are unable to name the individual event winners because they were covered in mud. However, after hosing off, the two finalists were Lyda Dzgoldynzscheyzes, The Mayor's Office Goddess and Emmanuela H. Kruikin-Feist, Myassa Lifestyle Critic. Much to the exclusively male crowd's delight, neither finished wearing much of anything but mud. It was Ms. Kruiken-Feist's first appearance in the Finals but the eighth appearance by Ms. Dzgoldynzscheyzes, who has been Women's Champion five times, the last three in a row. It was a competitive match, lasting over ten minutes, but in the end, despite Ms. Kruiken-Feist's quickness, acrobatics, unorthodox and slithery moves, Ms. Dzgoldynzscheyzes' experience, greater size, physical development, nastier disposition and underhanded tactics gave her the title for the fourth straight year and six of the last seven. She won the Golden Booty and Ms. Kruikin-Feist took home the Silver Booby Prize. Congratulations to all our lady competitors. With a little more training in dirty fighting, Ms. Kruikin-Feist appears to be an upcoming threat for the title! Look out Lyda!

All of the fireworks had been expended when Myassa's Explosive Diarrh-rama's storage shed received an errant rocket and blew up the night before, providing the greatest fireworks show in the history of Myassa. But the Myassa Senior Consolidated High School pep squad, Up Myassa, stepped in and closed the celebration by providing enough entertainment to force the audience to hurry home.
Report provided by Faux News' "Faux at Fou' ", Myassa's crack reporting team.

THE WINNER!